What I needed to learn [MLS 5.5G]

[LionKing]

Prologue

For my last week on DMSI, I only listened for 1 loop per day. I felt like this was a good amount to still keep processing.

Chapter 1: One Week Down

What I noticed first on MLS was the complete lack of sleep. I would almost literally not sleep at all for several nights - slept for one or two hours on each. But last night I slept quite well already.

There has been healing. The day before yesterday was some sort of culmination; I felt very vulnerable. The gf attacked me right away - or that's what it felt like in my state, exhausted and overwhelmed right after work - and then was trying to make up for it for the rest of the evening and had to be checking on me asking if nothing's wrong every other minute, when I *really* wanted to just be alone. Was feeling trapped and just wanting to not have her start a fight that'd last all evening and half of the night, making me feel even worse equipped to handle it all the next day.

But yesterday was different. I came home prepared for a fight, for anyone to say something against me. None came. And that's where I'm at today as well. Loads of energy and I'm actually feeling a bit like my old self again. I've had absolutely no energy in the evenings for as long as I can remember atm, but these last two days I feel like I can just do and do and do, and still feel motivated to do and kick ass. Clear. Don't know if this is me learning stuff, or DMSI healing fading (not triggering my insecurity buttons all the time). DMSI - like effects are noticeable though, e.g. I had a good nice convo with someone at work, and was flirting and feeling strong as hell at a clothing store.

I'm excited about MLS. I'm already seeing myself wanting to learn and try new stuff. That's gold for me. Its what I've always enjoyed. And the lack of energy to do it when stressed etc is what makes triggers a lack of meaning, leading to depressive feelings. But now, love it.

[Ars0n1sT]

Hey Lion! Great to see another MLS journal - I can't get enough of reading them I'm on day 5, not too far behind you, so it will be cool to monitor what you're going through. Cheers

[LionKing]

Day 10

Feeling less angry already. I finally have a small break from all the hurry, and I've been sleeping a lot today & yesterday. Helps a lot - feels like I can function again.

Yesterday, after a long nap, I felt like watching a little porn again. A haven't even remembered its existence in a long time. Really liked these 2 brunette hotties. Then I'm thinking I'll grab a beer and go outside and read for a bit, I get of the elevator and almost stumble into this crazy hot brunette in gym clothes who had a similar strong dark look than the girls in the clip. Didn't say more than hello and what floor is this bc I was so surprised. Never seen anyone hot here, really. Looks like the drive is back, love it.

Something I read yesterday about sexy archetype styles made start thinking about getting a tattoo again. Idk, needs some thought. What I'd want is a clean look with some sort of tattoo(s) adding a little edge to it. My face isn't naturally edgy, facial hair doesn't grow much, and I can't really do anything with my hair type, so I guess I'd want to express some sort of edge, still. I used a bit edgier jeans & stuff in the past, but I don't want to anymore.

Feels like I could sleep again, any sort of planning seems to burn me out so quickly. But I'm feeling good, like there's lots of options to do - just too drained to do much. Gonna read about N(i) vs N(e) etc personality types, as it seems interesting. As I said elsewhere, I'm most likely INTP or else INTJ.

EDIT: Ok, read some. Definitely INTP.

[LionKing]

Day 12

Very horny weekend behind. Had a top-10 sex experience with the gf on Sat, then a pretty good on Sun. Was super horny just thinking about what just went down the whole Sat-Sun night. Now I'm chemically inclined to focus on other things again. Which is great because I have lots of stuff I want to look into. It does help that I have just a little time of from work, and can relax on the obligations a bit.

Definitely have a feeling of feeling of getting "unstuck" a bit. There are many things I'd like to do, and pretty much all of them include some, or a lot of, learning.

Gonna try Open focus again also, as it was mentioned elsewhere. The gf has serious issues on getting fixated on her worries, and then everything seems dark to her. Did a personality test on her also.. ESFJ, so all the 4 letters reversed, yikes... but on the other hand, it seems we also have the exact same "functional stack", just in reversed order (below). The way I've thought about us for a while now is that we're completely different, but somehow surprisingly the same, so maybe this has something to do with that - or maybe I'm just rationalizing. Anyway, I got that as a person matures, he/she would first use the Dominant function, then more of the others, so I guess a reversed pairing could help integrate more. Obviously it goes against playing to one's strengths, though. Oh well. Prob gonna read a book on the INTP type soon.

NTPs’ Functional Stack
Dominant function: Introverted Thinking (Ti)
Auxiliary function: Extraverted Intuition (Ne)
Tertiary function: Introverted Sensing (Si)
Inferior function: Extraverted Feeling (Fe)

ESFJs’ functional stack
Dominant: Extraverted Feeling (Fe)
Auxiliary: Introverted Sensing (Si)
Tertiary: Extraverted Intuition (Ne)
Inferior: Introverted Thinking (Ti)

[LionKing]

Day 22

MLS

I've practicing open focus a lot ever since my last post, which is when I got into it. Hard to say if I'm going with or against the sub, but I know that the last time I learned about it I couldn't keep myself focused on it for very long. Now it's like it instantly became a habit to practice it all the time. Atm I think its very helpful, but of course I'm purposefully avoiding narrow focus, which I usually associate with doing something productive. Which, of course, is the problem. Burnout. But, gotta go overboard to learn at first. I've sent two job applications lately. One was a bit weird and the other one was really out there. I have no idea how the future will look. Kinda scary and lacking control.

DMSI

Now much to say here, but I think what's left of dmsi is my increased willingness to sometimes just hold that eye contact and enjoy it and enjoy letting some special lady know I'm interested in her through that. And those times I don't even mind if they then look away and get uncomfortable. I just feel good about it. There was one waiter that I looked at like this when we were out with the gf. She wasn't our waiter initially, but she soon hovered and took over our table. At first she was looking at me and being talkative, but then later she'd seem embarrassed and looked down all the time. She then tipped me/us to go see this exhibit they had in the back room, even if the place was just closing and they didn't seem to guide anyone else there. Cool. Ego boost.

[LionKing]

Day 29

Been sick for a good while now with something that just doesn't seem to want to leave me, so definitely not at full mental capacity. The h/c has been surprisingly strong, meaning that I've been dealing with a lot of crap, but difficult to say if that's more due to MLS or bring sick. DMSI-like effects I cannot estimate at all.

I got a promotion at work, with excellent feedback for my previous work. This means that I'll now have a time period where learning becomes critical - so time to shine MLS! Very nice timing.
It could be that some things feel.. simpler, or that I sort of just see the shape or pattern of it instead of the whole mess and viewed like that it seems surprisingly clear. But, to be honest, I think its way too easy to be affected by placebo here. My goal for tge next time period is to learn what I can and need to regarding work at maximum speed, regardless of how much the sub amplifies this speed. I do feel good and enthusiastic about learning, and am reading a book I would otherwise not read - and I like it.

I'm reading about Inner bonding as a side quest if mine. Still thinking about Open focus constantly. Actually concentrating on inner bonding is time away from doing that on Open focus, so they're competing, but I do feel that they complement each other. OF takes away all tension in the body and makes you open which tends to bring about joy. But if that tension arises all the time due to unaddressed (internal) emotional needs, then IB will mist likely help a lot. But IB will likely be much easier to do once the "noise" of all that tension had been reduced. Plus, if an emotional issue is encountered, then going into OF is what allows the emotional charge to spread out and dissipate in tge same way than for physical pain and chronic tension. Its funny how I'll usually have to blink and swallow a lot once I return back to the real work from being in OF, because I haven't been using my body at all for a good while.

Oh, and another thing: I'm somewhat convinced that Sleep phones ain't no good for me. They filter the sound heavily, and I'm especially not convinced the US track getting through properly on the hybrid track. Even though Frequensee does show some output.It just sounds like its only mids and no highs.So I'm trying to learn how to sleep with normal Sennheiser in-ears. I ordered a set of sporty in-ears that are very flat aginst my head, but they are still quite uncomfortable when sleeping on my side.

[Duke.Togo]

Day 29

Been sick for a good while now with something that just doesn't seem to want to leave me, so definitely not at full mental capacity. The h/c has been surprisingly strong, meaning that I've been dealing with a lot of crap, but difficult to say if that's more due to MLS or bring sick. DMSI-like effects I cannot estimate at all.

I got a promotion at work, with excellent feedback for my previous work. This means that I'll now have a time period where learning becomes critical - so time to shine MLS! Very nice timing.
It could be that some things feel.. simpler, or that I sort of just see the shape or pattern of it instead of the whole mess and viewed like that it seems surprisingly clear. But, to be honest, I think its way too easy to be affected by placebo here. My goal for tge next time period is to learn what I can and need to regarding work at maximum speed, regardless of how much the sub amplifies this speed. I do feel good and enthusiastic about learning, and am reading a book I would otherwise not read - and I like it.

I'm reading about Inner bonding as a side quest if mine. Still thinking about Open focus constantly. Actually concentrating on inner bonding is time away from doing that on Open focus, so they're competing, but I do feel that they complement each other. OF takes away all tension in the body and makes you open which tends to bring about joy. But if that tension arises all the time due to unaddressed (internal) emotional needs, then IB will mist likely help a lot. But IB will likely be much easier to do once the "noise" of all that tension had been reduced. Plus, if an emotional issue is encountered, then going into OF is what allows the emotional charge to spread out and dissipate in tge same way than for physical pain and chronic tension. Its funny how I'll usually have to blink and swallow a lot once I return back to the real work from being in OF, because I haven't been using my body at all for a good while.

Oh, and another thing: I'm somewhat convinced that Sleep phones ain't no good for me. They filter the sound heavily, and I'm especially not convinced the US track getting through properly on the hybrid track. Even though Frequensee does show some output.It just sounds like its only mids and no highs.So I'm trying to learn how to sleep with normal Sennheiser in-ears. I ordered a set of sporty in-ears that are very flat aginst my head, but they are still quite uncomfortable when sleeping on my side.

Once you start using the Sennhieser's, it will make your entire sub experience so much more incredible. The right headphones make all of the difference.

[LionKing]

Yes, I had some indication that I might be getting much more strong effects this way, but its very challenging to measure objectively, as sometimes you just plateu and sometimes things are happening.

Day 35

Right now the things that are happening are that I'm feeling sad and re-evaluating everything. Though I often do that in response to feeling sad, I guess effectively seeking for the solution to my sadness from external sources. Probably part MLS and part because I'm reading the Inner bonding book and looking at my feelings from a "Please tell what's this about and what you need from me" angle, as opposed to just either brushing them off or to treating them as body sensations only, without the feeling part. Its surprisingly difficult sometimes for me to actually label or answer to myself what it is that I'm feeling, and then why.

Btw, the Inner bonding seems really good. Very good chapters on codependency and its development, ideal childhood vs the norm.

Last night I dreamt of going back to university for another degree. Definitely not going, but I do often long for those times socially. So much more freedom and friends than when compared to working life.

[LionKing]

Day 36

Wow, I'm really getting a lit out of this Inner bonding book now. Props to Ben for posting on it for so long and thus reminding me. I feel like I'm finally starting to understand what self-respect really is, and how one can increase his sense of self worth - and its not there in the first place. I did not really think too much of this inner parent/child (rational vs emotional processes), but in practice it's like I didn't even see myself before, so of I couldn't really take myself into consideration, so I essentially ignored myself, thus setting the message that I am not important. Then when I intentionally set out to respect myself, I was looking at things from a value perspective and hardening myself so that I could become more high value, which would mean that I want things for myself, which I took to then mean I demanded respect. But I think that's misleading and just the wrong way to go about it, since self respect means respecting yourself, and to respect yourself you have to be very aware of the self as it is without the protections. And not assume that this is self is the rationally constructed self, meaning the you you think you need and want to be so that you are high value and important. I feel I can also feel much more safe if I can think that its the job of the parent to protect me. Because its feel relatively quite easy to face fear with rational processes, while allowing the emotional side to not become as hardened. Cool stuff.

[Benjamin]

Glad you're getting something from it. It's definately awesome and i've realized so much from it and it's opened me up to going deeper into these things.

It can be challenging, but it's brought me so much awareness. And working on the core wounded emotions is bringing progress.

[LionKing]

A big thing for is that I tend to take responsibility for other's feelings. Its good that the book provides several examples of this - I can relate so easily to some of them. Father was emotionally absent, and mother was/is definitely needy, and never has had much trouble making me feel bad in order to make herself feel better. Also just generally assuming that its good to do everything for me, even speak for me and speak about me as I wasn't right there. Yes of course she means well, but she was definitely expecting herself to be taken care of emotionally (not doing it herself). Prob daddy o was/is the same, and always acted angry and resentful because he was caretaking and resentful for not getting that caretaking back.

Just now at breakfast, the gf awoke late and she was running around the apartment very nervous, trying to get her things. The default reaction from me is to feel like she is attacking me, or is about to, and then defend against that, and in doing so actually cause it. Any irritation I sense in my presence, I interpret as potentially dangerous to me, and then I defend. It might be that if she's acting like that, then its likely that she might do something I don't like and ask me to do something I don't like, which would then require me to tell her something she wouldn't like, which would make her feel bad, which would make her blame me for it, which would make me feel bad. Or I'd not answer as I'd like and caretake her, which would lower my self-esteem thus also making me feel bad. So both options are for me to feel bad = attack on me -> defend.

It seems I just have to remind myself and repeat it until I also convince that child part of me that I am not responsible for other's emotional state, I'm only responsible to take care of me (child), and that if me not taking care of them results in them feeling bad/pain, then that pain is an opportunity for them to learn something and it would not be loving of me take that away from them (I'd be fooling them). I guess this will take some time. Gotta add thought that the gf did not actually give me any grief now when doing this, and it has worked before also. There was a time earlier when she was under heavy stress and was definitely leaning on me, but otherwise she is much more independent than some of my posts make her out to be. I think my default assumptions and the resulting protective behavior are what make it come about more. Anyway, feels freeing to have the permission from myself to disconnect. If she does act out at some point, then it will be my adult's job to analyze the situation and tell her that I'm not available for that kind of abuse, and we can talk about any real issues a little later. I'll also get a change to practice this part with me mummy very soon. Usually now as she makes shitty demands of me, my default response is just to be extremely blunt in an angry way in the hopes that the weight of it would make her consider it more. But she's pretty resistant to that it seems. And it makes me feel a little shitty, and very closed off. I'll have to explore some different approaches.

[LionKing]

Due to circumstances, I had to take a week off of MLS, and I thought its close enough to three months.

I've been playing with the idea of running AM again for a long time, but stepping back because of the time commitment and uncertainty - would I feel it more now than before, and will there be "must" title that gets released when I'm 2-3 months in. Also, I'd like to see the description of the new Overcoming anxiety sub. I'm expecting something that will focus fire on anxiety, but also bring in other kinds of healing (only) if necessary. Kinda like OF that has a switchable EPRHA backup (emphasizing only if necessary).

Anyway, I'm now on AM6 refresher, day 5. So far, this is gold! Felt the mindset switch from the first day, plus great dreams and a sensation of fear on the second night.

Wrt. MBTI, I identify with the Perceiver trait, and I've always thought of myself more of an (independent) observer and learner than a doer and experimenter. Not sure how much I'd attribute this to DMSI or MLS, but I've really gotten quite passive. Or... idk, I'm progressing at work and such, but in general it just feels like I'm waiting a lot for things to just take care of themselves. This is what the dominance focus in AM seems to "cure"; the theme of AM, for me, seems to be "Sure it all sucks a bit, but its not going to improve itself.".

Its the desire the assert my will over my reality, whereas in the past months I've just been waiting for my reality to change itself for me. There is a slightly-increased sense of control, even though nothing has changed.

How this has manifested so far (all are still subtle changes in amplitude):
+ More dominant (as in will to take control of) attitude for work
+ More dominant (controlling, participating) attitude in sex. I always used to throw her around and sort of impose my will on her (subtly), control her hands more, etc. Lately, its like I've given most of the control to her, since I've not really cared otherwise. Now suddenly it was more like before where I'll get these ideas and do them, and in general there's that feeling of penetrating and controlling that I haven't felt in a long time. Now sex was awesome at some point on DMSI, but also then I think it was mostly me receiving and there was that reactivity and uncertainty for what she will be in the mood to do next time and such.
+ (related to the previous) More dominant "date" planning. I know in my AM/SM days when I had (especially) the current gf coming over, I'd plan for it and think what I'd like to do to her and how are we going to lead up to it. I'd prepare in my mind what I want, and (gently) impose that will on her and the event. I've been thinking longingly about this, because I've not had this lately. I've been thinking that its because now we live together and there's so much work stress and all. And then a couple times she has grudgingly mentioned "I never do things for her", which is that general bs that women complain about - and I always had the red-pill-reaction that why should I - as the man - do such things that I don't care about and what has she done and so on. But now as she was away doing something she didn't really want to be doing, I had this dominant feeling of wanting to take charge of the situation and what was happening, so I did some "fluffy" things I would have previously connected to (me) being needy and women requiring special treatment and so on - but how I thought then was passive way; a passive resistance to how things are. Now I was saw it more as a dominant thing, in that I decided what I wanted, and did the actions because I wanted to. (I brought her most comfortable clothes and foot warmers right close to the door with a piece of chocolate, put all of the candles and evening lights on, prepared fancy tea for us, and chose a series on netflix that I'd press play on when she got on the couch.) This felt more like planning to fuck than subjecting to serve her. Its just interesting for me that the reason she might want this kind of "special treatment" is maybe not because she feels entitles to it in a red-pill-thinking kind of way, but more like she wants to feel a basic dominance (which instills trust in her) in that her man will accept the reality that they need such stuff and take control of (asserts his will over) the situation. From his actions, she can then clearly see what he wants, and everything is clear. Now, whether I will want to do this or the opposite in the future is irrelevant - what's important is to decide and create; not hope, wait and resist resentfully.

To sum up: I think DMSI needs dominance, bad. Just last night I had a lovely, explicit, and long dream of me having a wet threesome and taking them in turns. On DMSI I felt much more reactive. I also just flirted with a pretty women at work because, again, I felt like that was what I wanted and could risk it; on DMSI I usually just tried to let it happen somehow automatically. SM was piercing and powerful when I felt it working. I miss that. There's so much healing and self-acceptance and good things that have happened since then, but still I hope we will reincorporate the basics for men again.

I'm still waiting to see what Overcoming anxiety will be about, and I have always had a degree of PE problems. I'm thinking I might want to tackle that one a bit before moving on, because its holding me back from expression. I have somehow learned to last a long time with the gf now, but its mostly by having her on top and/or moving slowly and slowing down. Its uncomfortable and I can't really go hard at any time for more than some seconds. Note that it can often be that I haven't blown my load in 5-7 days. I like to build up since if I come too often I'll starts to experience the ED-side of things. If I have some pressure built up, I feel I'm always ready - and thus at ease. If I don't, the body chemicals won't flood me as strongly and I'll have doubts and I won't feel the sensations as strongly and I'll just be distracted by the anxiety, I think. So yeah, maybe OPE (or OA) is a more fitting program than OED - though I hope they will be combined at some point. I don't watch porn anymore, and I didn't get improvements on SM3 - if fact it got much worse on stage 6.