Wasted 18 hours on a Video streaming apps watching girls doing nothing except sitting in from of cam for hours and talking all useless crap.
I even donated them $4 Dollars.
I havnt wasted this much time on internet since last July. Where I wasted like 12 hours daily for like a month on chatrooms now its on another level.
Idk why i dont regret wasting time but now I have decided to uninstall that time wasting app.
I wasn't able to stop myself if my subc overtook and by the time I gained control I already wasted 24 hours of my life very effectively. Glued to screen for like 18 hours as if I found my cocaine.
Still for some reason i still wanna continue with this sub.. Cause I do feel some level self-control ever I start this sub.
Maybe my subconscious is seeking a way to socialise whenever i fall into this social networking stuff.. I can't be sure..
Cause tbh I don't feel like socialising on internet or IRL that much.. I like being an observer then being engaged in the event. I just can't seem to get into that frequency.
The reason for that is cause most people talk about shit which really won't matter after few days or weeks or even year, like stupid celebrity talks and politics. It all has the same ending just different shit, you can actually tell who this gonna end up. Its like any movie where u expect the lead actor to win 99% of time, its just that plot is different and people still worry and hoping lead actor won't die. Come On! Havnt u learned anything by watching 1000s of movies.
Going outside to learn something or some skill makes sense but wasting time on shit which wont matter doesn't makes any sense to me..
This might sound odd but I went to theaters for like only 10 times or less in past 10 years. Idk why people try so hard to watch movies as soon as it is released as if they r trying to catch up with the world. They run behind iPhone sales and wait in line like it's some sort of divine gift which is received only once in a century. It will be available in every shop in next few months.. Yet people waste 1000s and fly to another country just to buy it..
I never understood all this and tbh I used to act as if I do but now I can't seem to fake it anymore. I just don't care and people can tell from my expression that I don't give a shit about it.
Believe me I have improved alot emotionally since last year but I am still not yet in total control of my mind. I removed all stupid, negative, toxic and life/blood sucking people from my life. I paused all my religions activities cause I felt I wasn't doing it by heart and was fooling myself and the higher power I believe in.I stopped lying to myself.I just couldn't lie anymore or to anyone. Its take too much energy just to maintain that lie and when u tell the truth people resist at first but it sinks in after a while. I either keep goal and stuff to myself or just dont bother telling others cause tbh I dont give a shit and dont want any unwanted attention.
Ever since the day I was born and became aware of my existence. I tried so hard to change myself but I wasn't able to.My environment was to much hardcore and brutal.Being a Pisces (according to Rashi) I found it hard to control my emotions and was always in my fantasy and imagination. Add to that emotional trauma and my fantasies mutiplied 10x to escape from the pain of reality.Due to this I lost touch with reality and was really ungrounded for a long time. No wonder I find it hard to focus on anything.
Now that I am using sub for past year to get grounded and come back into reality after like 2 decade. I feel this sadness as if something valuable is being snatched away from me on which I have depended for years. Yet when I see the the changes it has bought in me then it only makes my resolve much more stronger.Cause in the end that's what I always ever wanted and just because I feel sad and shit doesn't mean its bad and I should leave it. No one should.
If I hadn't found IML Idk where I would have been right now,cause I saw very little hope,so little that even I wondered if it even existed.
I am not the same person I was last year. Even my family gets that now and when u fix urself everything falls into place slowly but surely Dad doesn't bother me with career/job shit, mom doesn't bother, sister now respect my boundaries and doesn't treat me like shit/crap. Biggest lesson I learned from regularly using the sub is learning to let go of the expectations and it's a huge relief cause its like in my parents DNA to expect the unexpected and in return get disappoints.
Sorry for all this long post,there isn't much in it,just wrote cause I felt I should.
Sorry the errors and typos. I always type from my mobile and my thumbs arnt keyboard friendly and auto-correct makes me look like a fool
I even donated them $4 Dollars.
I havnt wasted this much time on internet since last July. Where I wasted like 12 hours daily for like a month on chatrooms now its on another level.
Idk why i dont regret wasting time but now I have decided to uninstall that time wasting app.
I wasn't able to stop myself if my subc overtook and by the time I gained control I already wasted 24 hours of my life very effectively. Glued to screen for like 18 hours as if I found my cocaine.
Still for some reason i still wanna continue with this sub.. Cause I do feel some level self-control ever I start this sub.
Maybe my subconscious is seeking a way to socialise whenever i fall into this social networking stuff.. I can't be sure..
Cause tbh I don't feel like socialising on internet or IRL that much.. I like being an observer then being engaged in the event. I just can't seem to get into that frequency.
The reason for that is cause most people talk about shit which really won't matter after few days or weeks or even year, like stupid celebrity talks and politics. It all has the same ending just different shit, you can actually tell who this gonna end up. Its like any movie where u expect the lead actor to win 99% of time, its just that plot is different and people still worry and hoping lead actor won't die. Come On! Havnt u learned anything by watching 1000s of movies.
Going outside to learn something or some skill makes sense but wasting time on shit which wont matter doesn't makes any sense to me..
This might sound odd but I went to theaters for like only 10 times or less in past 10 years. Idk why people try so hard to watch movies as soon as it is released as if they r trying to catch up with the world. They run behind iPhone sales and wait in line like it's some sort of divine gift which is received only once in a century. It will be available in every shop in next few months.. Yet people waste 1000s and fly to another country just to buy it..
I never understood all this and tbh I used to act as if I do but now I can't seem to fake it anymore. I just don't care and people can tell from my expression that I don't give a shit about it.
Believe me I have improved alot emotionally since last year but I am still not yet in total control of my mind. I removed all stupid, negative, toxic and life/blood sucking people from my life. I paused all my religions activities cause I felt I wasn't doing it by heart and was fooling myself and the higher power I believe in.I stopped lying to myself.I just couldn't lie anymore or to anyone. Its take too much energy just to maintain that lie and when u tell the truth people resist at first but it sinks in after a while. I either keep goal and stuff to myself or just dont bother telling others cause tbh I dont give a shit and dont want any unwanted attention.
Ever since the day I was born and became aware of my existence. I tried so hard to change myself but I wasn't able to.My environment was to much hardcore and brutal.Being a Pisces (according to Rashi) I found it hard to control my emotions and was always in my fantasy and imagination. Add to that emotional trauma and my fantasies mutiplied 10x to escape from the pain of reality.Due to this I lost touch with reality and was really ungrounded for a long time. No wonder I find it hard to focus on anything.
Now that I am using sub for past year to get grounded and come back into reality after like 2 decade. I feel this sadness as if something valuable is being snatched away from me on which I have depended for years. Yet when I see the the changes it has bought in me then it only makes my resolve much more stronger.Cause in the end that's what I always ever wanted and just because I feel sad and shit doesn't mean its bad and I should leave it. No one should.
If I hadn't found IML Idk where I would have been right now,cause I saw very little hope,so little that even I wondered if it even existed.
I am not the same person I was last year. Even my family gets that now and when u fix urself everything falls into place slowly but surely Dad doesn't bother me with career/job shit, mom doesn't bother, sister now respect my boundaries and doesn't treat me like shit/crap. Biggest lesson I learned from regularly using the sub is learning to let go of the expectations and it's a huge relief cause its like in my parents DNA to expect the unexpected and in return get disappoints.
Sorry for all this long post,there isn't much in it,just wrote cause I felt I should.
Sorry the errors and typos. I always type from my mobile and my thumbs arnt keyboard friendly and auto-correct makes me look like a fool
