I'm still running UD. It's been almost 3 months, and I am feeling some old things returning that I felt in my first 2 months: grief. I've essentially held on to a mindset and rules that kept me safe and supposedly free from harm. I sit here this morning, feeling small feelings of grief since UD is pulling me away from that.
The reason? Lying to myself has been my norm. I learned it growing up, and I've practiced it daily, knowing nothing else. I considered going back to E2 this last 24 hours (again), I stayed home today, and while being quiet I realized UD is doing something E2 never did. It changes me.
Thinking over experiences I've read on this forum, it's all resistance. E2, for me, was easy; no internal resistance popped up. However, I've considered jumping off UD half a dozen times.
I"ll be uncomfortable using UD (resistance), will be angry that program goals are not specific, so I'll look at E2, MLS, BASE, even DMSI since I can plan on what I might expect if using them. I jumped on UD for emotional reasons, and I've not had clear manifestations of just "feeling good".
However, something did show up early, it's tied me to it continually, and it's what hit me this morning. UD keeps me honest, with myself, and even others. Lying has been my life-long habit. I wrestled this morning, considering E2, and it hit me: do I REALLY want to go back? Can I live with myself when I had big moments with others, never planned, when I dumped my heart out? Last Thursday, after having a tense discussion alone with my sister, I broke down in loud tears admitting I had "no idea where I was going" in life, and I was scared. It was my honest release, and it felt so natural to do it. I give credit to UD, as strong fears held on to me when considering expressing myself my whole life long. UD has been eating those fears and reasons away.
So, I'm listening to UD right now. (I did put on E2 (US) overnight since I couldn't "see" an outcome.) I'm glad I wrote here though, for I cried while writing this. UD has no explosions. Just manifestations of cleaning out my BS. That's why I'm still on it.
The reason? Lying to myself has been my norm. I learned it growing up, and I've practiced it daily, knowing nothing else. I considered going back to E2 this last 24 hours (again), I stayed home today, and while being quiet I realized UD is doing something E2 never did. It changes me.
Thinking over experiences I've read on this forum, it's all resistance. E2, for me, was easy; no internal resistance popped up. However, I've considered jumping off UD half a dozen times.
I"ll be uncomfortable using UD (resistance), will be angry that program goals are not specific, so I'll look at E2, MLS, BASE, even DMSI since I can plan on what I might expect if using them. I jumped on UD for emotional reasons, and I've not had clear manifestations of just "feeling good".
However, something did show up early, it's tied me to it continually, and it's what hit me this morning. UD keeps me honest, with myself, and even others. Lying has been my life-long habit. I wrestled this morning, considering E2, and it hit me: do I REALLY want to go back? Can I live with myself when I had big moments with others, never planned, when I dumped my heart out? Last Thursday, after having a tense discussion alone with my sister, I broke down in loud tears admitting I had "no idea where I was going" in life, and I was scared. It was my honest release, and it felt so natural to do it. I give credit to UD, as strong fears held on to me when considering expressing myself my whole life long. UD has been eating those fears and reasons away.
So, I'm listening to UD right now. (I did put on E2 (US) overnight since I couldn't "see" an outcome.) I'm glad I wrote here though, for I cried while writing this. UD has no explosions. Just manifestations of cleaning out my BS. That's why I'm still on it.
I want to be FREE!
