USLM3- The Journey to Success

[Shannon]

Get yourself a good GPS. It has helped me a LOT with my anxiety about driving in unfamiliar areas, and especially in big cities.

[mat422]

Get yourself a good GPS. It has helped me a LOT with my anxiety about driving in unfamiliar areas, and especially in big cities.

When I rented the car for this trip I got the GPS option. I've also got a backup gps on my phone that works without data in case that one craps out for some reason. I'll have to look into it more just to have. Any recommendations?

[4Kingdoms]

Waze Navigation & Live Traffic
Avoid traffic, police, hazards

https://play.google.com/store/apps/detai...e&hl=en_US Android

https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/waze-nav...29106?mt=8 iPhone

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I had a Garmin with a 5-inch display. As soon as I put in the address, it died, no power and it was plugged into the accessory outlet!!

It was a good thing I was a passenger because I downloaded the WAZE app and it gave us a different route because it was using live traffic patterns!!

[Shannon]

Get yourself a good GPS. It has helped me a LOT with my anxiety about driving in unfamiliar areas, and especially in big cities.

When I rented the car for this trip I got the GPS option. I've also got a backup gps on my phone that works without data in case that one craps out for some reason. I'll have to look into it more just to have. Any recommendations?

I don't think you really need more options, although Waze looked good but I never used it. Just make sure you set your GPS options to your preferences first; for example, I hate toll roads. And make sure you are familiar with your GPS before using it. And if using the one on your phone, make sure that using it doesn't distract you from driving, and that you can hear and understand it well.

[Kol]

Waze never dissapointed me.

[mat422]

So I think lowering the volume might have been resistance. I actually raised it last night and noticed I was more responsive. Lowering the volume felt like I was slipping or able to run from the instructions. But with the higher volume it felt like it kept my mind on track. It didn't deviate towards negative thoughts or fear. I also didn't wake up as tired today for some reason. Nothing has really changed with my sleep schedule. My only guess is that boosting the volume made me cooperate more which meant less stress. Otherwise at the previous volume I might have been battling for control.

[mat422]

I had a whole word vomit of a post written out that I deleted after reaching the end and realizing I was just feeding the fear with excuses.

Basically I'm really anxious about this upcoming business trip. I have to make sure everything runs smoothly. Instead of visualizing success, putting that intention in place. I've been thinking of catastrophes, how I'm going to fuck up somehow, get fired, get yelled at, etc. Basically all the wrong stuff.

You see deep down I still have this fear of not being good enough. And that's directly reflected in my fears surrounding making mistakes and the way people judge me for those mistakes. Or just in general my competency at this job. But I'm going to remind myself this. I'm not my job, I'm not my skillset, my worth isn't dependent on how productive or successful I am. I can value the skills I have, but I don't have to feel bad for the ones I lack.

I'm going to finish packing today. Work on some music. And then meditate on all this and really drill it into my head why I shouldn't care nor be afraid of this upcoming event. Because all this month I've been fueling the fear with what could possibly go horribly wrong at this thing and what it meant for me as an individual.

[mat422]

Having some time to meditate on this I've reached two conclusions. 1. Fear has to be removed before success based thoughts can stick. Otherwise it's like throwing positive intentions and energy into a black abyss that swallows up everything. 2. It doesn't feel particularly good to let the fear come up and sometimes it takes a while for it to clear completely. It's important not to ignore it and try to jump ahead. It has to be completely and thoroughly removed. Not just removed enough for a tiny bit of execution towards goals, but killed off completely. That means it's going to feel like moving backwards at times with the fear heightening and the hopelessness. And the fact that the success based thoughts might not be there yet.

Fear for me is not just some little speed bump I have to overcome. It goes deep for me. Sometimes it feels like I'm not making a dent in it and I'm just pushing up against a wall vs overcoming anything. But I guess that's the best way to get me to stop by trying to convince me all my efforts are pointless and won't amount to anything.

[mat422]

I went deeper into the whys today for my fears. Usually that feels like a rabbit hole that leads nowhere, but I have to understand why.

It's all come full circle. The same realizations I had a few years ago. I am a sensitive person, this left me predisposed to developing a number of issues in my life. My mom could be quite distant at times which I interpreted as her not caring about me so I learned to switch off from my feelings. Any perceived hurt or rejection stung really bad due to my sensitive nature and as a kid I didn't have the higher cognitive ability to think about what I was feeling. I just felt it deeply. And it hurt, was overwhelming, and the only way I could survive was by numbing myself out. My father would have some emotional outbursts at times when he was stressed out. This caused me to be overly cautious in my behavior, what I said, and made me very afraid of making mistakes that could set him off. Dumb stuff like spilling a cup of juice, dropping a plate, or even me and my brothers getting into an argument.

I love both of my parents deeply. They're only human and given their own pasts they provided me with more than I could ever ask for. It's unfortunate that at that age my coping methods were highly dysfunctional.

Which brings me to why this is all important. It's becoming more and more apparent I have very poor emotional regulation. I'm either swimming in chaos or completely shut off from myself. There's never any in between. But that in between is really important. And I never developed that. And as I got older I got more and more dysfunctional as I became more and more avoidant of those emotions inside of me.

So I guess you could say my biggest fear, the one I've been battling for a while now, is bridging that path into my emotional core. I feel things with such intensity, my fears lie in the fact that I don't want to experience those same painful emotions I felt as a child. I know keeping myself closed off like this has left my life feeling very bleak, drained, and empty. Cutting myself off from it stopped the negative, but it blocked the positive as well.

I know for most people it doesn't seem like any of this would amount to the struggles I face in life. Hell, I didn't believe it could. But by overlooking this and continually seeing fear as this amorphous blob that just needed to be destroyed, I completely neglected responsibility in evaluating what perpetuated my behaviors. The fear is always there for a reason.

[mat422]

There's definitely a solution to all this. There's a solution to any problem. But I feel stuck. I feel like I keep banging my head against the same old problems coming up in different ways. And it's not just a "grrr let's grit our teeth and push through this" type of thing. A lot of it is defeating behavior. Small little actions and decisions that add up vs one big noticeable reaction. Being mindful of when I slip into these behaviors is the most important part because then I can change how I react.

But it's a process and that's the hardest part. There's such a strong desire to not deal with this anymore. I feel like I've gone through most of my life already struggling and I don't want to struggle anymore. A lot of my fear based avoidant behavior is becoming more apparent to me. I'm seeing what I'm doing wrong, which is a step in the right direction because prior to that it was pretty much hidden. But man what a mess. It's like walking into a messy apartment, needing to clean, but having no idea where to start so you're paralyzed with making any kind of decision.

My biggest mistake is looking for the one thing that will fix everything or thinking I've found it. This assumption that the solution is dead simple vs ridiculously complex. Really I just get a glimpse into what's going on, I cant really know for certain what's going on in my mind behind the scenes. So maybe I shouldn't put so much weight in trying to figure out what's wrong. It's probably just fear causing me to cling onto something in the hopes it fixes everything vs addressing the real problems that might be hidden. I feel like this is a stupid game with my subconscious sending me on wild goose chases and inevitable dead ends. All the while making me think I'm closer to solving everything so I let off actually getting to the core issues.

[mat422]

So I'm reading a book about healthy movement. It went into neural pathways and how movements are remembered as sort of maps in the body. When you don't move a lot you actually lose these maps, essentially become disconnected from your body. I've felt like garbage lately because I don't exercise or engage my body. But it got me thinking about body awareness in general.

I'm very detached from my body. My chronic overthinking is an attempt to pacify the panic that still exists within my body at times. I think this is why logic has failed me and trying to change my thoughts in general doesn't work as well as it should. Last night I worked on relaxing every part of my body, breathing, not tensing up, not triggering that fear response. Not fighting fear, not trying to use stress or anger to overcome it. Rather gain control over my panicked responses to what the sub was bringing up.

I came to realize there's a level of fear, panic, stress, whatever you want to call it that is untouchable at a conscious thought level. Meaning whatever you tell yourself doesn't even reach it. That's why steady breathing, relaxing, and to a certain extent posture is important for communicating there is no threat. It feels like the intensity is turned up in my nervous system. I've very easily triggered into panic or anxiety, but I never paid enough attention to it. Now I'm trying to gain control over my reactions and to stop those spikes when they happen.

I feel like this past month my nervous system has been overloading because I haven't been taking the time to turn it down so to speak. So it just kept getting hit with it and the more I got hit the more my tolerance dropped until little things started throwing me into a highly anxious state. Once I hit that overloaded frozen highly anxious state, that's it. I'm not going to be improving anymore until I address it because it's essentially a locked up state where any of the subs instructions will be disregarded.

[mat422]

So I'm currently in Dallas and it's not going as well as I anticipated. I mean my overall mindset. Prior to the trip I was prepared, being positive, and felt like I had a handle on things. But it was like a cheap image that just crumbled when put to the test.

I still have trouble not being awkward around unfamiliar people. It's like I pretty much reverted back to myself from 4 years ago. I'm not confident at all. I'm surrounded by people who know what they're doing and are good at their jobs. Meanwhile I feel like I'm just getting by.

I'm gonna go ahead and say I'm currently exhibiting the exact opposite of success right now. Doing my best to counteract it, but it just feels like I don't have a solid base.

[THolt]

So I'm currently in Dallas and it's not going as well as I anticipated. I mean my overall mindset. Prior to the trip I was prepared, being positive, and felt like I had a handle on things. But it was like a cheap image that just crumbled when put to the test.

I still have trouble not being awkward around unfamiliar people. It's like I pretty much reverted back to myself from 4 years ago. I'm not confident at all. I'm surrounded by people who know what they're doing and are good at their jobs. Meanwhile I feel like I'm just getting by.

I'm gonna go ahead and say I'm currently exhibiting the exact opposite of success right now. Doing my best to counteract it, but it just feels like I don't have a solid base.

I have those days too. It feels like the program is working in reverse. The longer you use the program and the more time you use the program the better it works.

[mat422]

My biggest issue with it is it interferes with my job. If I was home and felt like this, it's alright. But in a job, it's dangerous. I've sabotaged myself on more than one occasion in the past and I don't want to do that again. I don't want to be in the position of "wow that was stupid. I'm glad I'm better now." Because once you fuck up something that's it, you can't go back. And it's painful realizing down the line how self destructive you were being.