USLM3- The Journey to Success

[mat422]

I thought you might find it interesting/inspiring so just sharing the vid:


I like it when she says that you can subconsciously hear it

That was cool, thanks for sharing. Gonna have to check out more of her videos, she seems really chill.

[mat422]

I think I'm getting better at not fighting the frm. Last night I was able to let go more and I felt this deep feeling in my gut like something was being removed. But it was relaxing too. Getting closer to dealing with the source of all the fear without triggering the fear.

It's clear to me that my decision making is compromised so long as this fear is in place. Just have to keep going deeper into this

[mat422]

Reading Shannon's post on the types of resistance gave me some perspective on things. Particularly the stop smoking one. Now I'm not a smoker, but I have bad habits. It just so happens most of these habits are daydreaming, spacing out, watching tv, or mindlessly browsing on my phone. Instead of fighting tooth and nail to make sure I don't fall into those bad habits, I should just relax and accept they will be dealt with in time. Obviously not an excuse to slack off, but if I happen to slip up from time to time I shouldn't make a big deal out of it. If I stress about this stuff, I'll just cause more stress which will actually make me more likely to do it.

So something lucky happened to me or rather something I was hoping for. Apparently at my job it was requested that I help come inventory time. Now I'm not an elitist or anything, I don't look down on warehouse workers or any of those types of jobs. But I got this job specifically to not deal with that kind of stuff. To be honest it pissed me off a bit. That someone could just make a request like that. It wasn't even like a "Hey we might be short handed do you think you could help out?" No, it was "We're gonna be shorthanded, get one of the IT guys to help". But anyway I don't have to do that shit anymore, apparently they have enough manpower now. I don't know how it happened and I don't really care lol, I'm just thankful I don't have to do that anymore. Maybe I'm overreacting a bit, I don't know. But the fact that someone thought they could just pluck me from my job and dump me somewhere else sent an unspoken message about what they think of my contribution at this place.

On a positive note I feel like my attitudes are shifting when it comes to women. I realized a lot of the time I try to say the right thing instead of being myself because if I say the right things I'll get a more positive outcome. Online dating sucks in general. So many conversations go nowhere because the girl just won't put in any effort. I thought I was doing something wrong at first, then I realized it's just them and I shouldn't waste my time. So I'm talking with this new girl and she's been pretty receptive, I'll see how it goes. Mind you I'm not going for just sex, I actually want to get to know her and see what happens. Enjoy the experience of it even if it goes nowhere, I don't really mind.

[RTBoss]

That's how I felt when I was expected to clean toilets during downtime at a big box gym when I was a degreed, certified personal trainer.

Nope.

[mat422]

That's how I felt when I was expected to clean toilets during downtime at a big box gym when I was a degreed, certified personal trainer.

Nope.

That's a real slap in the face.

[mat422]

Was chatting with my coworker about some stuff today and he asked about my music because he wanted to hear it. Honestly I'd like to reach a point where I don't feel guilty/ashamed of my stuff. It's come up in casual conversations sometimes and people are like "hey let me hear your stuff?". And I think to myself "Eh, you don't want to hear it". Meanwhile there are people spamming their stuff left and right and it's just awful. I think it is fear again. Oddly enough random strangers on the internet I don't mind listening to it. But if I have an actual face to face interaction, I don't know I feel really weird about it. I think I downplay my music a lot just so I don't have to deal with inevitable criticism or dislike of something. But I feel like I should be more open about it and proud. Because I do put in a lot of work and it is important to me, I shouldn't worry about how it stacks up to more popular music or famous artists.

[Shannon]

The general public wouldn't know good quality music if it slapped their head off, these days. The key is that you do it for yourself, and if they like it great, and if not, sucks to be them.

That's how I approach my artwork. When I create something, unless it is a custom job for someone else, I am creating to express my creative self and allow it to breathe and live. It doesn't matter if anyone else likes my work, it matters if my creative self lives through that act of expression.

So I never make things for others when I'm looking to make art. I create for me. Others may think what they wish, and it isn't my concern.

The happy result is that most people enjoy my artwork, even if they don't particularly resonate with the subject matter.

[mat422]

Thanks Shannon. I'm getting closer to this freedom. Still some fears left over I guess, but pure creative self expression is becoming easier compared to a few years ago.

[Shannon]

When I was in college for photography, one of the things the college did was have us "artists" attend soirees with wealthy locals, so they could get to know us and we could "schmooze them". But I don't speak bullshit-ese and when an apparently wealthy woman asked me why I create, I told her exactly what I just told you. The woman looked horrified and made a quick exit.

Then someone came over and laughed and said, "Well there goes your career as an artist around these parts."

I just laughed. You make something people like enough, they'll buy it without you needing to bullshit them. No matter what you charge for it.

Go create, Mat. It's none of your business what other people think of you. That's their business, and if it's negative, their problem. Indulge yourself in the creation itself. The result cannot be bad if you are creating from a genuine need to create.

[Omni3]

Yep, studying Fine Art and numerous tutors would add their bit as I'm in my creative flow and they would all be steering me in different directions. On top of that we would have group critiques. The key take away, for me, was ignore their views as that's their creative expression and rely on my own as it is just as valid as theirs and its 'right' for me. Here we know that by its abbreviation: IDGAF

[findingme]

The result cannot be bad if you are creating from a genuine need to create.

These words hit home for me. Who we are is not "good or bad". Just being me, and creating something here, there, or anywhere is a gift--to ourselves.

[mat422]

When I was in college for photography, one of the things the college did was have us "artists" attend soirees with wealthy locals, so they could get to know us and we could "schmooze them". But I don't speak *****-ese and when an apparently wealthy woman asked me why I create, I told her exactly what I just told you. The woman looked horrified and made a quick exit.

Then someone came over and laughed and said, "Well there goes your career as an artist around these parts."

I just laughed. You make something people like enough, they'll buy it without you needing to ***** them. No matter what you charge for it.

Go create, Mat. It's none of your business what other people think of you. That's their business, and if it's negative, their problem. Indulge yourself in the creation itself. The result cannot be bad if you are creating from a genuine need to create.

Wow. I wonder what ran through that woman's head lol. Same thing would have probably happened to me though if I was in that situation.

As always Shannon, I appreciate your advice and experiences you share with me.

[mat422]

I feel a lot like there's two selves inside me right now. One pushing for success and another being afraid to go after it. One self that knows intuitively what to do, how to do it, and be good at it. The other self doubting, breaking flow, and generally staying in one place it's comfortable with.

Each side wants to do it's own thing and they are butting heads. This is reflective on my experience in the past of either completely disconnecting from the sub or pushing too much and having the other side push back. I had assumed one side had to "beat" the other which is wrong. It's really just a severe lack of communication. Self sabotage is a result of one side being overly demanding without communicating what will happen to the other side.

What's missing here is integration and teamwork. Parts working together instead of pulling me in separate directions.

And for all I know there might be more in the background chatting away with each other that I'm not even aware of. This is definitely unknown territory for me. Having a self concept of how your mind works then experiencing something vastly different. No wonder so many people fail to change, there seems to be an incredibly complex ecosystem inside your own mind.

[mat422]

Trying to figure out if I want to get uslm4 or ltu when they are released. Even though ltu will be a higher price, I'd consider it an investment. When it comes to money I'm not a big spender. In fact I often have fear surrounding spending a lot. In the back of my head I'm always thinking, what if something happens and I need that money? Car repairs, potentially losing my job, having trouble finding a new job, health insurance, etc. The list goes on. I don't think buying ltu will put me in a financial hole. I just wonder if maybe I should get uslm4 and then get more financially stable and invest in myself.

I'm not against paying a lot for the work that's put in with these subliminals. Rather my reservations have to do with my history of them and how I respond to them at times. They've definitely come a long way and more than likely my perception of what a multi stage set will be like is based on past experiences.