US/LM run

[Paul1131]

I got through another two day break with no increase in negative self talk and self bashing. I realized that it does still crop up from time to time, but now it happens a LOT less. I’m talking things that my mind used to do to me many times a day and were very intense now may happen a couple times, last only a few seconds until I notice it’s happening and push it out of my mind and go on with my day. They also lack the emotional impact that they used to have. It’s like it used to be my “real self” calling me names and making ripping me down, and I was listening. It was damaging. Now it’s a really small part whose opinion doesn’t matter and who shuts up when I tell it to. It’s not doing any further damage and whatever influence it still has is waning quickly.

Good news and bad with my wife. She is now working half a day in the department that she wants to move to three days a week. She loves it, and is more excited than I have seen her in years. She hasn’t been formally hired yet, but the supervisor over there says that she’s trying to make it happen as fast as she can, and the other people are saying they’re looking forward to having her on. A lot of them have said that they noticed she was very intelligent while she was working as a receptionist, and have been saying all kinds of good things about her. I don’t know if it’s the sub, she’s getting very minimal exposure.I’m sure that a year ago she’d have brushed that stuff off and not been excited about it though.
The bad news is that she is complaining more about my use of subs. She complains that she sleeps poorly when I have it playing during sleep, and gets very angry when she sees me with earbuds in because it “gives the impression that I’m not listening,” even when I am hearing and responding normally. I really think that the changes that are showing up in me are freaking her out. She may be worried that I’m going to leave, or that I am becoming “better than her”.
And now that I think about it, boy, have I changed. I have gone from being unproductive and wasting time any way I could (Facebook, porn, etc) to a laser focused guy who makes progress toward goals every day. I actually feel good about myself most of the time, and I actually see myself succeeding. I am also a lot more organized in my thinking, planning, and actions.
I recently came across a reputable online branch of a university which offers the specific obscure subset of psychology that I’ve always wanted to major in. I don’t quite have my baccolar’s degree (cough..lack of follow through and self sabotage). But this would give me the opportunity to finish it and go directly into masters work. It’s pricy, and I already have a lot on my plate, but I’m at least going to look into it.

[Shannon]

I suggest focusing on equalizing her on USLM3. Get her to listen with you.

[Paul1131]

I suggest focusing on equalizing her on USLM3. Get her to listen with you.

I think early 2019 will see me on day shift so we’ll be sleeping at the same time, so that may become possible. If not, I’ll take your suggestion of leaving it going 24/7 in the bedroom after I have three months of version 3 used as directed. That’ll be February 7th.

[Paul1131]

I’m coming up on one month running version 3 on the seventh of this month, followed by a total of three months on USLM in general on the seventeenth. My results seem to have mellowed a bit. I haven’t had any kind of blatant feelings or major inspirations hitting me over the head in the last few months, but it seems to me that that’s because I’m kind of used to it now. The shock to my system part is over, and now it’s working on whatever it’s working on steadily and less noticeably. It is still doing something though. I find that my self talk has changed in subtle ways. I used to be very impatient when I thought of a goal that I was trying to achieve, especially when I was waiting for something to happen that was outside of my direct control. I used to repeat “come on, come on,” in my head, and had a stressed feeling to go along with it. Now I still start doing that, but replace it with “got it” as if I had already achieved the goal, and I feel better about it. There are a few other patterns that have altered.
I still have anxious and fearful thoughts sometimes, like what if our financial turn around turns back around, but I no longer get the physical stress symptoms that came with them, and they are more fleeting than they used to be. I don’t go into a downward spiral of anxiety when these thoughts start.
Nothing really to report as far as outward results, but they’re coming. I can tell that my primary goal is firmly embedded because it occurs to me to repeat it to myself several times throughout the day.

[Paul1131]

I had a bizarre dream this afternoon. I seem to be remembering more dreams, but only during the four hour nap I take on Saturday to switch from being awake during the day to being awake during the night.

I was with my wife and roommate at this animal shelter. We were looking to adopt one of these things (which don’t exist far as I know) that look kind of like a long legged badger. They had a name but I don’t remember it, and you supposedly could teach them to talk.
We were looking at one, and it was really affectionate with my wife and our roommate, but it growled whenever I came near it. My wife kept talking me into trying to pet it. So I kept trying until the critter finally chomped right down on my hand. It hung on for quite a while until I was able to pull my hand free, taking a piece of it’s lower jaw with me. I did not see any blood from it or me, and didn’t really feel any emotion other than a vauge feeling that getting my hand savaged by a talking badger was a bad thing.
After that there was some dealings with the staff at the shelter. I thought that I should get a rabies shot (interesting, that’s the second time that’s come up) but no one else thought it was a big deal. They captured the critter in a modern looking box thingy that was a lot smaller than it was. It fit somehow and wasn’t harmed.
Then the dream kind of segued. I was a guard at the gate to some kind of very important facility (I’ve done a lot of security work). I saw this weird airplane land in front of the facility. It was shaped like a fighter jet, and it landed vertically on it’s tail. These people wearing weird orange radiation suits got out. They walked up to the gate and informed me that this was a drill and I was “dead”. Now I got a sense that I had failed in some way, and might or might not be in serious trouble. Once again, I really didn’t feel much of a sense of fear, just a vauge sense that this was a bad thing. From a waking perspective I should have and would have been screaming on the radio as soon as I saw a bizarre airplane land. They proceeded past me and “killed” a bunch of onlookers who were coming out of the buildings as they proceeded to do whatever they were trying to do. I eventually heard an alert come over the radio, and the doors began to automatically close and lock including the one at my station.

[Paul1131]

In other news, I’m completing the last night of my break, and there was no “down” whatsoever this time. The break days feel just like the non break days now, so we definitely have some progress being made here. The above dream makes me think that it’s really going after some fears that I have, and the fact that I dreamed of two situations in which I would feel fear, but didn’t feel anything tells me that it’s working.
I talked to the supervisor I’ll be working for when I get going with that part time job. He was talking about it like it is a fact that I’m going to get the job. I’ll take that as a good sign. He also said that he can probably arrange it so that I get enough hours to bring home as much or more than I am with my current job.

[Paul1131]

Nothing much to report lately. I talked to the recruiter for that part time job I was in for. She said that things are in a holding pattern, and that I could expect to be called for an interview at some point in the near future. I noticed earlier this evening that they posted the job again. That’s actually a good sign, it usually means that they didn’t get many applicants, and I got the impression from talking to them that I am the only one at this point. I am finding it easy to think about it as a fact that I’m getting the job, and I am quite sure that I will.
My wife is now working part time in her new department and she loves it. Her soon to be boss is trying very hard to move her forward and hire her officially. I haven’t seen her this excited in quite a while.

[Paul1131]

Great news. My wife has officially been hired into her new department. She starts on January 2nd and she’s extatic about it, not only that, but her new boss says that since she has been with the company for so long, she’s going to get paid significantly more than they were planning to pay a new person who would be going into that slot. So she’s getting a considerable raise. I don’t know if her minimal exposure to the sub has anything to do with this or not, but she used to have a tendency to just cling to whatever position in life she had rather than taking any kind of risk to change. This was definitely fear based.
The bad news is that she has been nitpicking at me a lot more this week. She is having a bigger, angrier reaction to a list of smaller and smaller things. For instance, I took about two steps away from her to look at something while she was talking, and she berated me for a good fifteen minutes for “ignoring” her. I had been listening, but she wouldn’t hear it. I have been really good lately about avoiding reacting with anger, but I have yet to find any reaction that does diffuse things.
I had thought that I was slowing down on the to do list, but I realized that I was taking on larger jobs, and having to drive our roommate to a large number of medical appointments. Truth is, I pretty much spend every spare moment cleaning the house these days, and it sometimes seems like I’m not making any headway. I am of course, but it’s not always that apparent to me.
I’m no longer consciously feeling this sub doing anything. Im not saying that it isn’t, but I’m not having the euphoric feeling that I got sometimes on the first two versions, nor am I getting the sudden flashes of insight and inspiration.
I forgot to run my loops last night. I set everything up, but then had the argument with my wife that I described above, and didn’t press play. I felt down on myself in the morning, but then I realized that my down feeling was nowhere near as bad as it was before I started running this sub. I mostly made up for it during my Saturday nap, but since we had run some errands earlier, I was about half an hour short of finishing my five loops.

[Paul1131]

Also of note, I used to have considerable aches and pains upon waking and throughout the day mostly in my lower back and shoulders. This week I noticed that this has lessened considerably.

[Paul1131]

I had a realization in the shower this morning. I still have a LOT of fear, but USLM is allowing me to do a better job of holding it off. This is primarily fear of failure and inadequacy stemming from various things in my childhood.
I had kind of a, call it a visualization about it. The little point that is ME is standing in a circle of light. The fearful thoughts are in the darkness of what I presume is my subconscious mind trying to break in. I can still hear them, and they do still have some effect on me, but they are being healed away from “me” for the most part. The circle is being guarded by soldiers, and they are fighting the negative things in the dark.
The light is a new thing. The fears used to have full access to “me” without any kind of barrier or protection. I think that the circle of light is expanding, and the soldiers are being reinforced day by day, but I’m not out of the woods yet.
Does this make sense to anyone else?

[Zane]

True, Fears are there you can feel them but something is giving us strength and pushing us forward even though we are not sure if we are gonna succeed or not.

I guess all years we living in fear really fuked us bad,cause with time passing all these fears only kept on becoming stronger.

I am taking steps which I am scared to cause of all the bad memories I had or illusion you can say,.but when I take it then things just turn out fine.. Like some miracle.

Its like I was in a reality/world which was kinda bullying me, Always being mean to me, always harming and bringing/ attracting bad people and situations which would just fuk me Up more and more emotionally and mentally.

Sometimes I find it hard to believe that this is my reality cause the horrible memories horror of previous reality still remains in my head..

But after being on USLM for near about two months. I feel as if I am in a reality/world that is so kind and generous to me, always helping with problems and getting me out of it, bringing/attracting people and situations when only gives me More hope peace and motivation. Cause I know I will reach my goal eventually.

The level of changes and manifestations I have seen with this sub is mind blowing.

This is why I am not interested in DMSI anymore.. Cause I fallen in with love with this sub. All the small stuff in life which would usually Suck the soul out of you is being taken care off by USLM.. I can finally focus on big stuff.

All I ever wanted in my life was success but sadly my negative subc and life fucked it all and I lost hope.

I am slowly becoming ambitious/hope towards my career again something which I lost along time ago and I am slowly working towards it and making progress..

[Paul1131]

I totally agree, the first version of this sucker pulled me out of some real financial trouble, and it started with the good luck and manifestations right off the bat. Really averted disaster. Two and three seem to be doing internal stuff. I’m a little less driven on three, but I may have been a little TOO driven on two.
I really wish this thing had existed back in 2006 when I made the first really bad career move out of fear and lack of confidence. Although that’s what lead me to get into subs in the first place, I’d be a lot further along career wise. I do think I can get back on track.

[Paul1131]

I’ll be trying something new tomorrow. I found some soft silicone attachments for the earbuds that came with my IPod that will hold them in my ears, and make them soft enough that I should be able to sleep comfortably in them. I will be running through earbuds while i sleep for at least one six day cycle starting tomorrow morning. This saves me from having to hide any kind of ear gizmos at work, but still allows me to get any benifit there is from the stereo separation and clarity. We’ll see if I notice a difference.

[findingme]

I had a realization in the shower this morning. I still have a LOT of fear, but USLM is allowing me to do a better job of holding it off. This is primarily fear of failure and inadequacy stemming from various things in my childhood.
I had kind of a, call it a visualization about it. The little point that is ME is standing in a circle of light. The fearful thoughts are in the darkness of what I presume is my subconscious mind trying to break in. I can still hear them, and they do still have some effect on me, but they are being healed away from “me” for the most part. The circle is being guarded by soldiers, and they are fighting the negative things in the dark.
The light is a new thing. The fears used to have full access to “me” without any kind of barrier or protection. I think that the circle of light is expanding, and the soldiers are being reinforced day by day, but I’m not out of the woods yet.
Does this make sense to anyone else?

That imagery makes perfect sense to me Paul. I, too, am making progress, but am not out of the woods yet myself.

"Fear of failure and inadequacy stemming from various things in my childhood": you are not alone there. I've always known that's where they came from, and that's why I'm using USLM3, for the FRM itself. We're facing some brand new affects and results now.

I'm actually looking forward to the FRM 4.2 in LTU 5.5. I'm reading about people becoming assertive with it on DMSI 3.3, which has 4.2. To me, that's great since I've requested some assertiveness modules in E3. USLM4 will have it too, but I'll be going with LTU. It's an "all in one" sub.