US/LM run

[RTBoss]

I'm actually looking forward to the FRM 4.2 in LTU 5.5. I'm reading about people becoming assertive with it on DMSI 3.3, which has 4.2. To me, that's great since I've requested some assertiveness modules in E3. USLM4 will have it too, but I'll be going with LTU. It's an "all in one" sub.

DMSI 3.3 has FRM 4.1. FRM 4.2 is the result of Shannon adding in script to not interrupt sleep for the minority of users who have been adversely affected.

[Paul1131]

Running the sub through earbuds while I slept doesn’t work. I’m a side sleeper and I just couldn’t get comfortable enough to get to sleep for more than a couple of hours so I switched to the Bose speaker I use for my non working nights about halfway through.

Today was a bad day. I woke up feeling stressed out, afraid of losing all the progress that I’ve made financially, and not making any career wise. I pushed it off partway by using that visualization again.
Then my wife came home and told me how little of the windfall and refi money is left. Not much. I gave her control of it because throughout our relationship she’s been by far more financially responsible than I was. Apparently Not anymore. That sent me into a stressed out state that I haven’t felt since before I started listening to USLM in the height of our financial troubles this summer. Maybe a little worse than that.
I have a couple theories on what might be happening here.

- USLM3 isn’t working for me nearly as well as one and two did.

- My fear based negative self image is trying to re assert itself, it may be just now trying to fight back, or it may be trying to make a last stand.

- Running the sub during sleep doesn’t work for me.

- Running the sub during sleep is actually working better and bringing stuff up that it wasn’t before.

I will continue running it by speaker as I sleep all this cycle and see what happens.

[Paul1131]

I’m feeling better. Not only that, but I came up with a solution that will keep us financially afloat for as long as we need until we find a new house and get moved. It kind of occurred to me when I woke up this morning, so I called the bank about it, and they said that since my credit had improved, it was very possible. They checked my wife’s credit too, and she’s gone up more than a hundred points since four months ago. So all the doom and gloom from a few days ago was over nothing.
The wife was pissed that I was calling for permission to check her credit, but she did give permission, and calmed down about it later. I think we are definitely on track for a much better year here.
I’m back to playing USLM through earbuds at work, and it’s starting to feel good while it’s playing again. I don’t feel the kind of excitement I felt on one and two, but there are kind of hints at it tonight. I guess this one lets FRM get some good progress before it really fires up the way the older ones did. I can live withthat, and maybe the down I described in my last post was me getting over some kind of hump.im back to running it through earbuds at work.

[Paul1131]

Correction, toward the end of my loops tonight I was definitely starting to feel that excited optimism, what some of us are calling high on life again. That seemed to have been missing on version three, but it’s starting to come back. It’s the same thing as on one and two, I have an easy time visualizing the better future I’m working toward, and I feel really happy and excited about it. I’d missed that. It’s not quite as manic as it was on previous versions, but it maybe feels a bit more solid.

[Shannon]

It was missing while you were processing fears 1 and 2 couldn't reach.

[Paul1131]

Today I got more Effects that you would expect from DAMSI, and one of the situations was a really weird scene now that I think about it. My wife and I were meeting the lady whose doing our marriage counseling at a restaurant, and we’d been talking about something off topic and I was telling a story where a waitress had poured coffee on me because I’d said something that she’d misinterpreted. Namely that I liked her tats (she had some really nice ink on her arm, and I was the king of putting my foot in my mouth when I was younger). Our waitress (mid thirties and cute) made sure to mention that she’d heard part of that. I told her the story and she said something like “I’d just say thanks, these are all me”. She turned in profile and arched her back so I got a really good look. There was some more, but I don’t remember it precisely. I may be out of practice, but I reciognize when a woman is blatantly hitting on me. Now,the weird part is that my wife was sitting right next to me. Neither my wife nor the counselor reacted at all. I would have expected my wife to either make a smart ass comment or be mad depending on her mood, but nothing. Note that under different circumstances, I could have done something about it and it wouldn’t have been out of bounds. None of this is even in the neighborhood of normal.
Then this evening I was talking to a female friend (probably my longest running human relationship who I’m not blood related to) who I used to hook up with occasionally in high school and college. She was asking me for info on a relatively serious matter, but broke off the conversation by saying that she was naked and in bed. Also not normal. Too bad she lives halfway across the country. During my Saturday nap, I had a sex dream. It’s been quite a while since I’ve had one, or at least remembered it. I notice a theme here, but I have no idea why.
I really don’t get this, my conscious goals all involve money and career right now. If this was what I was going for, I’d be running DAMSI. I own it, but it’s going to have to wait until I get my financial and professional life squared away.
I continue to feel the optimistic high on life feeling. It’s a calmer version than on previous versions, but more consistent. The temporary solution to our financial problems didn’t work out, but I didn’t feel bad or stressed for more than a couple of hours. I came up with three other plans, one of which I am sure will work. I’ve got this, whatever “this” ends up being.
Other than that, I’m looking forward to being done with my three mints on USLM3 about the time USLM4 comes out.

[Paul1131]

I noticed something interesting today. My thinking was pretty negative at times today. This is because we’re back in financial trouble, and we shouldn’t be. I have some of the same patterns of thinking that I was having while I was going through this late last year and there is some added anger at the wife in there. The thing is, the words are going through my head but I’m not having nearly the fear anxiety borderline panic feeling that they used to have. That’s not to say that there’s NO feeling associated, it’s just a lot more muted. I also had periods of very positive thinking today, and those did produce strong feelings and imaginary experiences. I used th try like hell to force that to happen and it didn’t. Now it seems perfectly natural. This is exactly the opposite of the way it used to be.

[ncbeareatingman]

I noticed something interesting today. My thinking was pretty negative at times today. This is because we’re back in financial trouble, and we shouldn’t be. I have some of the same patterns of thinking that I was having while I was going through this late last year and there is some added anger at the wife in there. The thing is, the words are going through my head but I’m not having nearly the fear anxiety borderline panic feeling that they used to have. That’s not to say that there’s NO feeling associated, it’s just a lot more muted. I also had periods of very positive thinking today, and those did produce strong feelings and imaginary experiences. I used th try like hell to force that to happen and it didn’t. Now it seems perfectly natural. This is exactly the opposite of the way it used to be.

F***kin' A! Paul!!

[Paul1131]

I ran kind of a test yesterday. There were certain songs that I could listen to that would bring up painful memories, especially of one of my exes. The last one before my wife who I really had deep feelings for (I just used the F word. That doesn’t happen often). I had been listening to them often, and it really put me in a bad emotional state. I realize now that I was wallowing on purpose, and had been for a long time. Without really getting into it, I suppose I was using an idealized vision of that relationship, and an obsession with it to keep myself from really moving on and living the life I could. This is probably out of fear of something like what happened happening again.
Anyway, at some point after I started on USLM, I stopped doing that. My music listening changed to stuff that was a bit more positive (at least to me, I’m a heavy metal fan. ) and in a way inspirational.
Yesterday I went through the entire playlist, and it didn’t cause me an ounce of pain. I still thought of her, but the whole thing had been reframed in my mind. I’m no longer thinking of how bad I feel that She left, I’m thinking of how bad she screwed up when she left. I know now that over the years I’ve become someone she’d be damned lucky to wind up with. It’s her loss, not mine. That’s a pretty major sign that something is changing.

ADDM: Writing the above, and that line of thinking brought on the euphoric feeling I’ve talked about when listening, and I’m on day two of my ASRB break.

[Paul1131]

First off, would someone more tech savvy please help me out? How do I get a FLAC file to A. Go onto my IPod touch, and B play on it. I keep reading that it can be done, but I can’t seem to figure it out. I downloaded one of them to my archaic computer, but now I can’t find the file, let alone get it onto my devices.
I have been using MP3 and getting results, but I’ve heard FLAC is much better for subs. However I’m not that much of a techie.

[Paul1131]

I was panicked about finances at the beginning of the week, but I think I’ve figured out that we can make it to April when we can do the second refinance and get rid of all of the debt that’s been making our lives such a challenge. It won’t be easy, but we just have to make three more mortgage payments while making minimum payments on everything else. That or, it came to my attention that my wife’s credit has come up significantly, so we may be able to do it earlier. I’d really like to get back on truly stable ground ASAP so I can focus on moving life forward, not just fixing problems.
This week was up and down. There have been some instances of positive thought spirals that lead to that excited optimistic state where I can see and feel myself accomplishing my goals. There have also been some negative spirals, but those now don’t go as far down as the positive ones go up. That’s a million percent improvement from when I started with this sub, and it seems to keep getting better bit by bit. The positive ones ARE a bit more mellow than they were on one and two, but the downs are a LOT less pronounced. Version three seems to be keeping me on a more even keel with a steady upward trend, at least internally. There was sort of a restart period when I switched from two, but that seems to be in theover or close to it.
I have not noticed any real external luck manifestations recently except that we did get more money for Christmas than usual. I haven’t been quite as driven on my tasks either, but that may just be that it’s the holidays and I’m giving myself a break and doing other things.
The bad news is that I put part of my Christmas money in our joint account, and my wife spent it up. She did realize that her spending without thinking is a problem afterwards, or at least she said she did. She seemed to feel really bad about it, but I hate to say it, I don’t know if that’s a show to keep me from calling her on similar things in the future. She spent up a five figure financial cushion in a couple of months, and got mad at me for “chastising” her. Mind you, all I did was mention that it happened, and there was a LOT less chastising than I get when I put a kitchen utensil away in the “wrong” drawer. Matter of fact she got on me for using subs. She asked what I was doing while I was working on the FLAC problem, and I explained it. She then was convinced that I had bought something else, and she accused me of being “addicted” and wasting money. This relationship has to change, but that’s something for after I get life more squared away.

[Paul1131]

The last agency which I got a rejection notice from is hiring again for a higher paying position. I don’t know if I’m eligible to apply for it or not, but there’s a way to find out. A person I know who works for them told me that I can call their HR and they can tell me what happened. I was thinking about doing that and applying for the job this afternoon, and I found a part of myself resisting the idea. Now, this is nothing new. What is new, is that I reciognized the BS excuses I was throwing at myself were BS excuses. My hesitation is entirely based on fear of failure, and to some extent fear of success. I still have a little trouble fully envisioning myself succeeding at this because I’ve been trying so hard for so long to get this type of job. Some part of me expects to just be stuck in the same quagmire I have been in for years. The difference here is that now I see what’s going on in the light of day. I may or may not do it this time, but I see it now, and if I see the problem I can beat it in the near future.

[Paul1131]

I’m having a rough night. It’s a work night, so I’m awake anyway. I talked to my mortgage guy about the second refinance, and it turns out that we have to wait until May. This would be perfectly fine if we still had the money that we got, but that’s gone now. I worked on some numbers tonight, and at first when I got REALLY stressed. I haven’t felt this bad since a little while before I started this journal. It feels like it broke through the barrier that was around it. It didn’t last long though. I came up with a plan that I think will keep us on the rails for the next five months. I had some companies move some due dates on bills so that everything can come out on the day I get paid.
The stress seems to be hitting me in waves. The good thing is each time, it’s kind of motivated to find a solution. I figure something out and I feel better. It’s going to be really tight for the next few months, but I think I can keep it on the rails that long, but it’s going to be rough. Now would be a great time for another one of those incredible luck manifestations I got when I started version one back in August.
I was planning on really focusing on getting my career back on track starting well, now, but at least it seems it’s going to be really hard to keep my head in the game on that until we can get out of survival mode.
I’m

[Paul1131]

I feel much better today. The fear and all that not so fun stuff from yesterday is gone, and I’m calm. I’ve developed a pretty solid plan to financially survive the next four months, and the numbers work. I almost feel silly for feeling so stressed out yesterday, and for about a week before that.
I don’t know if that’s something that needed to happen for the FRM to work, or if I just had a bad day, but it seems to be over. Normally I’m not the most emotional guy in the world and don’t believe that feeling the bad things is a good thing if it can be avoided, but if I’ve gotta go through it to get beyond it, and it doesn’t last long I will. If this is FRM it’s odd because it’s gotten rid of other more deep seated stuff without me feeling a bloody thing on the surface. At least I think it has.
I also realized that my anger with my wife for spending the money is not at all productive. I’m going to have to watch her around money for a while, but she knows it was a problem and she’s watching herself too. I think.