UMS. Let’s get at it

[Shannon]

ME:  Strange things are afoot in my subconscious.  I got four loops in through my sleep phones, and likely would have done more, but I don’t sleep more than that on a work day.  After getting up, I felt a strong urge to run more loops tonight at work.  I wondered why I was having these urges to run more loops when I’ve been responding to minimal loops so well.  Here’s the weird part.  My subconscious, or some part of it answered me.  No, I’m not hearing voices, but a fully formed sentence popped into my head, and it definitely wasn’t the normal part of me that forms language.  It said that they needed some more help back tracing my fear to the source.  They’d gotten further than ever, but needed it to go deeper.  I got the impression that the sub had somehow “drilled through” whatever was between me and this part of my subC that gives good advice, and now it could talk to me directly (Shannon, is this supposed to be happening?).
It makes sense in the context of the things that have been coming to the surface in the last week or so.  I also get the impression that the feelings, and signs (morphine drip ect)  have leveled off.  My subconscious is focused on doing the deeper stuff so we can see much more complete execution.  I don’t think it’ll be much longer either.
Does this make sense to anyone?

UMS is designed to allow your subconscious to guide you in how to use the program according to what you in particular need.  It is also intended to foster cooperation and communication between your conscious and subconscious minds, so they can work together to accomplish the goals of the program.  So yes, that is one way that it can happen when you are executing, and it makes perfect sense.

The part that guides you in use is definitely working, and it’s not subtle.  It just switched on all of a sudden too.  The communication with the subconscious isn’t subtle either, it’s all of a sudden just there, and I can have a full conversation with it.

Good.  Now use it to understand and erase your core fears.  And then when you do understand them, e-mail me what's going on on the back end, so I can finish developing FRM without giving away the secrets to the world. 

I realize you are joking here, but I think I may have an idea that comes partly from this new contact with whatever it is in my subconscious.  If you’d actually like to hear it, I’d be happy to share.  If not, I won’t bother you with it.  It might take me a while to word it, I don’t really have the understanding of what these subconscious entities (lack of a better term) who do the resisting are, but I do at least think I might have an insight.

I'm not joking at all. By all means, send us an email.

[Paul1131]

UMS is designed to allow your subconscious to guide you in how to use the program according to what you in particular need.  It is also intended to foster cooperation and communication between your conscious and subconscious minds, so they can work together to accomplish the goals of the program.  So yes, that is one way that it can happen when you are executing, and it makes perfect sense.

The part that guides you in use is definitely working, and it’s not subtle.  It just switched on all of a sudden too.  The communication with the subconscious isn’t subtle either, it’s all of a sudden just there, and I can have a full conversation with it.

Good.  Now use it to understand and erase your core fears.  And then when you do understand them, e-mail me what's going on on the back end, so I can finish developing FRM without giving away the secrets to the world. 

I realize you are joking here, but I think I may have an idea that comes partly from this new contact with whatever it is in my subconscious.  If you’d actually like to hear it, I’d be happy to share.  If not, I won’t bother you with it.  It might take me a while to word it, I don’t really have the understanding of what these subconscious entities (lack of a better term) who do the resisting are, but I do at least think I might have an insight.

I'm not joking at all. By all means, send us an email.

Copy that.  It may take me a week or so to get it all organized and worded properly, but I’ll get it done.
I didn’t accidentally give away something you didn’t want given away did I?

[Shannon]

Not so far.

[Paul1131]

I carpet bombed for three days, cuz my subconscious told me to, now we’re letting it bloom. I woke up yesterday feeling like my mind had just gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson and I knew it was time to stop. Once again, I felt mentally exhausted, but there was no physical tiredness or pain.
I have been reading other UMS journals, and I see that a bunch of people are setting some pretty lofty goals for themselves. I realized that I’m not doing that. I have a huge amount of difficulty thinking of any goal more impressive than getting the house refinance done so that we have less going out than coming in. I can think of myself being a millionaire or more in the abstract, and it felt possible before I started the program, but now that I have UMS going full bore so, I’m actually opening the door on getting there, actually trying in some sense, it’s gone. I really don’t think about even getting the refi done that much anymore. I was wondering why that was, and I felt it.
There is a ginormous knot of fear in the way. I don’t even really feel afraid consciously, but when I try to think forward to my goals, it’s there, right in the way. It’s kind of like a mountain range in my mind. From far off, it looks small, and I can conceptually think of myself getting through it. Now that I’ve moved toward it, (and gotten more of a view into my subconscious) I’m beginning to see how big that sucker really is. It boots out the sun and completely hides anything behind it (like what achieving my goals would be like). When I think about trying to get through it, I just get this OOOOOHHHH CRRAAAP feeling. At the moment, I’m not sure I can make it through that.
That explains it. That mountain range is the limit I’ve set for myself. It’s why I’ve only been so successful in life, but never let myself exceed a certain level. I’m not sure what I’m afraid of either. I’m not sure if this thing consists of fear of failure, fear of success, or both. I do know that where that metaphorical mountain range starts is where I have to really begin to change my self image and my view of the world on a much deeper level than I ever have before. That in and of itself may be what makes this scary. Not only do I perceive that it will be a hard climb, but if I start pulling on the threads of who I am, how easy will it be to unravel the whole thing? And if it unravels, does that mean my “self” is destroyed? Does that mean I don’t really have a “self” to begin with? I may not like everything about the shape of my “self” but the thought of reshaping it is terrifying because, we’ll, yeah, I have to destroy parts of it in order to put it back together in the way I wish it was. It also means that I’ll have to take a good long look at the knots as I unravel them. I’ll have to really understand why they’re there, re experience what put them there, and worse, realize that in the end it was me that tied them or allowed them to be tied.
Sorry if the stream of consciousness was hard to follow. I’ve got work to do, and need to stop procrastinating by existential overthinking and writing in an online journal.

[Paul1131]

Ok, there’s a little more for today. What subs have done for me so far is that they’ve moved the mountain range (It’s my subconscious, mountains can move). In other words, they’ve stretched the boundary of success that I can conceive of myself having without a full rebuild of my self concept a bit. Or a lot. But what we don’t have so far is a way through the mountains to a whole new field with a whole new and vastly expanded set of boundaries.

[Shannon]

I carpet bombed for three days, cuz my subconscious told me to, now we’re letting it bloom.   I woke up yesterday  feeling like my mind had just gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson and I knew it was time to stop.  Once again, I felt mentally exhausted, but there was no physical tiredness or pain.  
I have been reading other UMS journals, and I see that a bunch of people are setting some pretty lofty goals for themselves.  I realized that I’m not doing that.  I have a huge amount of difficulty thinking of any goal more impressive than getting the house refinance done so that we have less going out than coming in.  I can think of myself being a millionaire or more in the abstract, and it felt possible before I started the program, but now that I have UMS going full bore so, I’m actually opening the door on getting there, actually trying in some sense, it’s gone.  I really don’t think about even getting the refi done that much anymore.  I was wondering why that was, and I felt it.  
There is a ginormous knot of fear in the way.  I don’t even really feel afraid consciously, but when I try to think forward to my goals, it’s there, right in the way.  It’s kind of like a mountain range in my mind.  From far off, it looks small, and I can conceptually think of myself getting through it.  Now that I’ve moved toward it, (and gotten more of a view into my subconscious) I’m beginning to see how big that sucker really is.  It boots out the sun and completely hides anything behind it (like what achieving my goals would be like).  When I think about trying to get through it, I just get this OOOOOHHHH CRRAAAP feeling.  At the moment, I’m not sure I can make it through that.  
That explains it.  That mountain range is the limit I’ve set for myself.  It’s why I’ve only been so successful in life, but never let myself exceed a certain level.  I’m not sure what I’m afraid of either.  I’m not sure if this thing consists of fear of failure, fear of success, or both.  I do know that where that metaphorical mountain range starts is where I have to really begin to change my self image and my view of the world on a much deeper level than I ever have before.  That in and of itself may be what makes this scary.  Not only do I perceive that it will be a hard climb, but if I start pulling on the threads of who I am, how easy will it be to unravel the whole thing?  And if it unravels, does that mean my “self” is destroyed?  Does that mean I don’t really have a “self” to begin with?  I may not like everything about the shape of my “self” but the thought of reshaping it is terrifying because, we’ll, yeah, I have to destroy parts of it in order to put it back together in the way I wish it was.  It also means that I’ll have to take a good long look at the knots as I unravel them.  I’ll have to really understand why they’re there, re experience what put them there, and worse, realize that in the end it was me that tied them or allowed them to be tied.  
Sorry if the stream of consciousness was hard to follow.  I’ve got work to do, and need to stop procrastinating by existential overthinking and writing in an online journal.

The first thing to remember is that in your imagination, you can do anything.  So why not make yourself taller than, and bigger than, the mountain range and the knot of fear, and just walk over and past them?  You can make yourself as big and powerful as you like.  Make yourself so big that the earth is smaller than what the moon looks like in the night sky.  Boom, knot of fear is insignificant, and mountains are too.

I do know that where that metaphorical mountain range starts is where I have to really begin to change my self image and my view of the world on a much deeper level than I ever have before.  That in and of itself may be what makes this scary.  Not only do I perceive that it will be a hard climb, but if I start pulling on the threads of who I am, how easy will it be to unravel the whole thing?  And if it unravels, does that mean my “self” is destroyed?  Does that mean I don’t really have a “self” to begin with?  I may not like everything about the shape of my “self” but the thought of reshaping it is terrifying because, we’ll, yeah, I have to destroy parts of it in order to put it back together in the way I wish it was.

This is based in a faulty belief.  That belief is, the self can only change if parts of it are destroyed and replaced.  That is not true.  Here is an example.

Part of "yourself" physically is your arm.  If you want to have arms like Arnold Schwarzenegger did at his prime, do you have to tear off your arms and replace them?  No, you make them change into what you wanted.  Same arms.  Same muscles.  Just in a different form, with different characteristics.

This same thing is true of the rest of you.  You can change any part of yourself.  No destruction necessary.  No fear necessary.

It also means that I’ll have to take a good long look at the knots as I unravel them.  I’ll have to really understand why they’re there, re experience what put them there, and worse, realize that in the end it was me that tied them or allowed them to be tied. 

Those knots are fear, yes?  Guess what happens to fear when you shine the light of truth on it?  It evaporates.  Just like a shadow.  The shadow of an ant can be huge and scary, but shine a light on the shadow and it disappears.  Light up the whole area - learn "what actually is" - and you see the ant.  Harmless.  Tiny.  Alone.  Not even really worth noticing in the first place.

You have to understand what they are caused by, and then you have to explain to that part of yourself why it's not something to be feared.  It's not the scary monster you're trying to make it out to be.  That's just fear creating scary illusions to scare you away from outgrowing, overcoming and getting rid of fear!

Fear is a liar.  An illusion created by the imagination, usually based on faulty thinking and beliefs, and based in a lack of real understanding.  Knowledge is the key here.  What is the source of the fear, and why is it not something to fear?

[Paul1131]

Thanks Shannon, yes, I do know it’s imaginary and irrational. I also know it’s very surmountable once my irrational subconscious gets the message about what my conscious knows. That’s just what my subconscious is throwing at me right now. I just wanted to record my impressions in case it’s helpful to you. Me being able to perceive that big old knot of fear, and how that was what was stopping stuff from happening is a big change for me. So is knowing more about what exactly those parts of me are afraid of. Now it can be dealt with properly. This is kind of amazing.
As to what the sources of these fears are, simple. Fear of dissolution of the ego, and fear of responsibility for the fears existing in the first place. A big part of me wants my failures and “limitations” to be someone else’s fault. Of course, they aren’t.

[Shannon]

I was just making sure you understood what I said. That's very important for making progress.

[Paul1131]

On to what’s in that knot of fear. Why would I be afraid of fully executing UMS? Well, my first goal is to get us out of a financial crisis situation and onto an even keel. Here’s why I think that scares the crap out of me. My childhood was one crisis after another with no pause. My dad was broken person (I’ve dealt with this a bit in other journals) who placed on me (I perceived anyway) to be the one to make everything come out ok from the time my parents got divorced and he lost the first job when I was six till I was in my mid twenties. It was bad, He lost all ability to regulate and control his emotions, talked about suicide constantly, and I took it as my responsibility to make sure he didn’t do it. That was real difficult because I lived with my mother. So I lived in fear for a long time, and I took all that on myself. My purpose as I saw it became to make it all come out OK in the middle of constant crisis.
That has had an effect on all kinds of a choices I made, and stopped me from finding any kind of stability in life for a long time. Why does this make getting to stability scary? Because that part of me that formed during that time still thinks of constant crisis management as my purpose, and if we’re not in crisis, I no longer have a purpose. It’s an ego dissolution fear.
Is this idiotic? YEEEESSSSS. But that’s what this part of me thinks. I think that this part is kind of frozen in time, and it can’t change its perception of reality from the flashbulb picture of what it was when it was formed, and I suspect that it can only think and act within its own frame of reality.
I don’t know if realizing this will help in and of itself, but there it is. There is of course more than that.

[Paul1131]

On a lighter note, we have another cool effect. I started working on cleaning up the house right after getting up. I kept at it all day, and it really didn’t seem like I was doing that much, or that I worked that long. I knocked off when my wife got home, and looked back. HOLY :$:$! did I get a lot done! I really hadn’t notice. I just kept doing what I was doing all day. I was tired at the end, but nothing too bad and no soreness at all.

[Paul1131]

Last entry today, I promise.
WIFE: she came home late and frustrated. She tripped on something in the living room, got very frustrated, and then managed to hit herself in the face with a metal object. I also managed to lose a couple of things in the course of cleaning. All of these things frustrated her, and it showed. She proceeded to......... control....... herself.........and........not.....go.....off.....on me. Not at all. I could tell she wanted to for a few seconds, but it even had a different feel to it than the occasions when she used to make a show of controlling herself. She genuinely didn’t want to go off on me and found something else to do with the anger. Then she genuinely let it go almost immediately. (Not sure how I know that, but I do. The thing with increased contact with my subconscious seems to let me know stuff like that too)
Before, she’d have torn my head off all night, never mind that only one of the things pissing her off was remotely my fault. Not this time.
Matter of fact we’ve been getting along really well, enjoying each other’s company, for the last few weeks. I haven’t even felt any DEFCON 2 tension for a while.

[Paul1131]

I need some advice. I’ve mentioned some of this before, so bear with me here. My next goal after financially stabilizing us is to get back into the career I really want to be in. I have two ways of doing that. The first, which has worked like a charm twice is to use Find your perfect job in 5G. That got me essentially the same job twice within two months each time. The bad news is that I managed to mess it up both times due to fear, self sabotage and all that fun stuff. The second option is to set that as my only goal and use the next version of USLM. The good with that is that it’ll have FRM and all the good 5.75 G stuff, so I’ll be all FRMed up and on it when on the job training starts. The bad part is that getting the job was my second goal on USLM 1-3 and LTU, and I got nothing. In fact I had some pretty out there stuff happen to stop me from getting one of the jobs I went for.
I have two potential game plans. Number one is th start USLM as soon as I’m done with the purely financial goal and have the goal of getting another job in the field. Option number two is to run FYPJ until I’m sure I’m hired and then jump right on USLM for the OJT part. Thoughts?

[Shannon]

You really want to quit using UMS so soon?

[Paul1131]

You really want to quit using UMS so soon?

Yes and no.  My chosen career is a calling, (I’m pretty sure some have figured it out by now) and the only thing I’ve been really dedicated to.  My professional certification will expire next year if I don’t get back into it.  So it’s pretty important that I get going on that. I can get back on UMS after I get that taken care of. The money will still be there. Besides it’s a pretty physical job, and I’m not getting younger.