12-02-2019, 01:14 AM
ME: A bit over an hour later and the stress has passed. I’m not sure what it was, but I have a few theories.
- There is still some fear causing me to resist. I may understand the roots of the fear of achieving stability better, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that those fears have been totally eliminated. This should be closely related to the fear of stability. I don’t think that I’ve accepted that the notion that anything that looks solid to me will suddenly collapse under me as soon as I trust it is a lie quite as deeply as I have some of the others. That’s an old one that I’ve been living with since I was a toddler, so it might have a more difficult time with it. The reasons that I give myself for it not being true just don’t have the same ring of truth to them as the others. I may have to dig deeper. That part of me may be working up negative emotional energy to manifest some kind of sabotage. I don’t think that it has the strength anymore, but this felt similar to what I’ve felt previously before something came out of the blue and derailed things. I think I’m fine if it doesn’t happen very often. Oddly, this is also how I was feeling consistently while on the USLM family of subs just before some really amazing things manifested to pull us out of the fire, so maybe something like that is in the works.
- It’s my subconscious telling me to accelerate the time table (Read hurry the hell up). It might feel that I need to have a fire lit under me, and the stress is motivation.
- The anti clutter module is really kicking in. I look around and see a severely cluttered house, and it causes me stress. Most of my thoughts during the episode were centered around the general clutter and disorder in the house rather than anything bad happening.
- My mind is now much more ordered, and my personal environment doesn’t reflect that. I now feel like someone who would live in a neat, squared away space, and have a squared away life.
- Awwww CRAP! I’m blowing the mess out of proportion and not addressing it as effectively as I could because I’ve convinced myself that I HAVE TO get it done before the appraisal and I’m using that as an excuse not to start the bloody process. I’m both afraid to end the years of struggle, and afraid that it won’t work. I’m procrastinating so I don’t have to do that.
- All of the above, but that last one is definitely the main thrust of it.
Ok, time to throw clutter in boxes and put them into the basement for the appraisal. We will sort them and impose real order as we bring them back up right after.
- There is still some fear causing me to resist. I may understand the roots of the fear of achieving stability better, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that those fears have been totally eliminated. This should be closely related to the fear of stability. I don’t think that I’ve accepted that the notion that anything that looks solid to me will suddenly collapse under me as soon as I trust it is a lie quite as deeply as I have some of the others. That’s an old one that I’ve been living with since I was a toddler, so it might have a more difficult time with it. The reasons that I give myself for it not being true just don’t have the same ring of truth to them as the others. I may have to dig deeper. That part of me may be working up negative emotional energy to manifest some kind of sabotage. I don’t think that it has the strength anymore, but this felt similar to what I’ve felt previously before something came out of the blue and derailed things. I think I’m fine if it doesn’t happen very often. Oddly, this is also how I was feeling consistently while on the USLM family of subs just before some really amazing things manifested to pull us out of the fire, so maybe something like that is in the works.
- It’s my subconscious telling me to accelerate the time table (Read hurry the hell up). It might feel that I need to have a fire lit under me, and the stress is motivation.
- The anti clutter module is really kicking in. I look around and see a severely cluttered house, and it causes me stress. Most of my thoughts during the episode were centered around the general clutter and disorder in the house rather than anything bad happening.
- My mind is now much more ordered, and my personal environment doesn’t reflect that. I now feel like someone who would live in a neat, squared away space, and have a squared away life.
- Awwww CRAP! I’m blowing the mess out of proportion and not addressing it as effectively as I could because I’ve convinced myself that I HAVE TO get it done before the appraisal and I’m using that as an excuse not to start the bloody process. I’m both afraid to end the years of struggle, and afraid that it won’t work. I’m procrastinating so I don’t have to do that.
- All of the above, but that last one is definitely the main thrust of it.
Ok, time to throw clutter in boxes and put them into the basement for the appraisal. We will sort them and impose real order as we bring them back up right after.
