10-17-2019, 12:16 PM
Oh MAN! I haven’t had as emotionally rough night as last night in a very long time. I seem to have triggered something when I started talking about giving up on my career aspirations. I felt , not quite a sense of panic last night, but I felt that giving up on that would be giving up on myself. I have been mentally defining a large part of ME by this career choice for well over a decade. Giving up on that would be a major blow to my self image, plus an admission that I have completely and utterly failed at the one thing I’ve really set myself to accomplish, really stuck to, and that succeeding at would really make me feel good about myself. I am not even remotely interested in doing anything else for a living. THIS SUCKS. No sooner did I say I wasn’t ready to swallow that bitter pill than I start to choke it down.
Previous versions of FRM didn’t do this. They were great at erasing fear at shallower levels without me really noticing much, or it causing me much pain. Ever since I mentioned that connection with my subconscious kicking in, it’s been working at a deeper level, and I’m a lot more conscious of it. I’m guessing that that’s a good thing. The fear was still there on previous versions, rearing it’s ugly head most notably when I sat for job interviews. This seems to be getting rid of it on much deeper levels, it’s just rough.
When I woke up this afternoon, I had a very heavy feeling in my head. It feels like I’m trying to move a huge boulder out of my way. It’s a purely mental exhaustion though, it took me a minute to realize that I feel physically fine. I’m only on day two or three of bloom. I don’t know wether to run more loops tonight or not.
Previous versions of FRM didn’t do this. They were great at erasing fear at shallower levels without me really noticing much, or it causing me much pain. Ever since I mentioned that connection with my subconscious kicking in, it’s been working at a deeper level, and I’m a lot more conscious of it. I’m guessing that that’s a good thing. The fear was still there on previous versions, rearing it’s ugly head most notably when I sat for job interviews. This seems to be getting rid of it on much deeper levels, it’s just rough.
When I woke up this afternoon, I had a very heavy feeling in my head. It feels like I’m trying to move a huge boulder out of my way. It’s a purely mental exhaustion though, it took me a minute to realize that I feel physically fine. I’m only on day two or three of bloom. I don’t know wether to run more loops tonight or not.
