09-26-2019, 12:54 PM
Ok folks. I’m going to get into something here that I would need t reveal to any other person if they knew who I was or knew me in real life. So if by some weird chance you know me as more than a screen name, please don’t read this. At least please NEVER mention it to me.
When I woke up this afternoon, much earlier than usual, I noticed two things. First that what were my usual fall allergies last night have evolved into being sick as a dog. The second, is that I had that feeling that some part of my mind was doing something that it doesn’t usually. Something was going on under the hood in other words. I think I’d awakened suddenly and caught a process that would normally happen in my sleep, but I woke up because I couldn’t breathe and had to cough up (unpleasant).
It had brought a memory up which I never consciously think of. It’s normal t like I’ve repressed it, I know it happened, and I remember it normally, but it just hasn’t come to the surface of my mind in more than a decade, maybe two. This is something I now realize causes me deep shame and has severely impacted how I see myself since it happened.
I was somewhere in my Junior high school years, and I had gone to an auto race of some kind with my father. It was a multi day event so we camped. I was wandering around that night visiting other campsites (read that finding cool adults willing to share a beer) When I ran across this camp of guys who were in their late teens or early twenties. They didn’t react like everyone else, they were hostile and when I walked away they chased me. They ended up catching me and grabbing me. They demanded that I give them the hat I was wearing, which my dad had given me, and it was somewhat special to me. I handed it over. They then demanded that I give up my jacket which was similarly special. I started to and would have, but they decided not to take it and walked away laughing derisively. I went to some bikers who I’d been hanging with earlier. They said they’d help me get the hat back, but I was too afraid to go even with them. I failed twice that night.
My father got on me for being irresponsible and losing my hat, and didn’t believe me about what happened.
I have never been able to get back what they took from me. I had an opportunity to show courage and I proved myself a coward, and I’ve never been able to prove otherwise to myself. This might not sound like much to you, but it was a pivotal moment in my life. A bad one. I could have fought, we were surrounded by thousands of people in tents who would have woken if I made noise. I also had a knife on me. I should have used it ( it was three on one, they were between 16 and twenty, I was somewhere around twelve to fourteen. Justifiable). Any trouble I’d have gotten in would have been better than the loss of my sense of manhood at that age.
Seems that FRM is at work.
Please keep touchy feeley comments to a minimum here. Whatever I was trying to do there didn’t get finished because I woke up.
When I woke up this afternoon, much earlier than usual, I noticed two things. First that what were my usual fall allergies last night have evolved into being sick as a dog. The second, is that I had that feeling that some part of my mind was doing something that it doesn’t usually. Something was going on under the hood in other words. I think I’d awakened suddenly and caught a process that would normally happen in my sleep, but I woke up because I couldn’t breathe and had to cough up (unpleasant).
It had brought a memory up which I never consciously think of. It’s normal t like I’ve repressed it, I know it happened, and I remember it normally, but it just hasn’t come to the surface of my mind in more than a decade, maybe two. This is something I now realize causes me deep shame and has severely impacted how I see myself since it happened.
I was somewhere in my Junior high school years, and I had gone to an auto race of some kind with my father. It was a multi day event so we camped. I was wandering around that night visiting other campsites (read that finding cool adults willing to share a beer) When I ran across this camp of guys who were in their late teens or early twenties. They didn’t react like everyone else, they were hostile and when I walked away they chased me. They ended up catching me and grabbing me. They demanded that I give them the hat I was wearing, which my dad had given me, and it was somewhat special to me. I handed it over. They then demanded that I give up my jacket which was similarly special. I started to and would have, but they decided not to take it and walked away laughing derisively. I went to some bikers who I’d been hanging with earlier. They said they’d help me get the hat back, but I was too afraid to go even with them. I failed twice that night.
My father got on me for being irresponsible and losing my hat, and didn’t believe me about what happened.
I have never been able to get back what they took from me. I had an opportunity to show courage and I proved myself a coward, and I’ve never been able to prove otherwise to myself. This might not sound like much to you, but it was a pivotal moment in my life. A bad one. I could have fought, we were surrounded by thousands of people in tents who would have woken if I made noise. I also had a knife on me. I should have used it ( it was three on one, they were between 16 and twenty, I was somewhere around twelve to fourteen. Justifiable). Any trouble I’d have gotten in would have been better than the loss of my sense of manhood at that age.
Seems that FRM is at work.
Please keep touchy feeley comments to a minimum here. Whatever I was trying to do there didn’t get finished because I woke up.
