Last night I had tons of dreams, dreams similar to other dreams. Suddenly losing people on a event, environmental changes and visual blockages by huge square formed building. I think it was some mix between seaworld and other elements.
Anyways, my dad is getting older, as Ive written in earlier posts and last couple of days I feel subtle suicidal ideation. Hopelessness, powerlessness, not wanting to lose him even tho hes a stubborn guy. It really send me into panicky mode, thinking "what if" followed by scenarios that hit me in my core. An sense of panic driven urgency and feeling utterly stuck. These scenarios really scare the shit out of me and make me uneasy.
UMS is the first sub that effects me like this. Its really a life or death situation, atleast, in those moments. To add; what happens in these moments, is a overwhelm in all the areas that are "lacking" comin all together and thinking "im so fucked" its like my subc fights tooth and nail. Yet, this might give my subc a wake up call aswell. Idk.
It doesnt affect my active life in a weird way, like im autopiloting my things im doing still. Like a second entity that handles it all.
Im really not sure if I should run loops tonight again or letting FRM unknot, untangle and dissolve in my bloom period.
There is a celebration factor in it, that is, I feel im entering the market in a new light. Seeing how all companies are a stepping stone and lead to my goals. Awesome. A subtle detachment from the 9-5, instead of utter opposition to it. Negativity around is dissolving and oppurtunities abound.
Anyways, my dad is getting older, as Ive written in earlier posts and last couple of days I feel subtle suicidal ideation. Hopelessness, powerlessness, not wanting to lose him even tho hes a stubborn guy. It really send me into panicky mode, thinking "what if" followed by scenarios that hit me in my core. An sense of panic driven urgency and feeling utterly stuck. These scenarios really scare the shit out of me and make me uneasy.
UMS is the first sub that effects me like this. Its really a life or death situation, atleast, in those moments. To add; what happens in these moments, is a overwhelm in all the areas that are "lacking" comin all together and thinking "im so fucked" its like my subc fights tooth and nail. Yet, this might give my subc a wake up call aswell. Idk.
It doesnt affect my active life in a weird way, like im autopiloting my things im doing still. Like a second entity that handles it all.
Im really not sure if I should run loops tonight again or letting FRM unknot, untangle and dissolve in my bloom period.
There is a celebration factor in it, that is, I feel im entering the market in a new light. Seeing how all companies are a stepping stone and lead to my goals. Awesome. A subtle detachment from the 9-5, instead of utter opposition to it. Negativity around is dissolving and oppurtunities abound.
