Transcendental Sith Lord's UH / MLS Journal

[DarthXedonias]

Well, some thing really amazing happened recently. I know I am on the right path now. Its interesting because I'm noticing i'm getting this increased in effects when i go on my break from the sub then a few days before i return to it i start noticing these increased affects. Basically a kind of TID right before I head back to using it again for another round. Could be bloom but I don't think so.

Its like I go into this alternative state where I'm really in the moment and start making realizations. Before the last time i started using, a few days before, I had been thinking of how part of me is still thinking like a child but this does not reflect reality. I am already clearly an adult and yet part of me wants to keep thinking in this child like manner regarding fear, etc. That was one of the first realizations.

A few hours before I was to go back to running the sub stuff really kicked off. I gave the parts of me that were cooperating full permission to do whatever it took to get the part of me not cooperating to start cooperating. Its interesting where my mind went to after all that. One of the things that was brought up was that I was believing things that really didn't reflect reality. This then led to a big realization by the part not cooperating. That the future I want is not the danger to me its the future that I am living now (living in fear, stagnation, and not being financially stable) is the one that is dangerous. It hasn't been keeping me from danger, it has been leading me to it with this current course. It was at that moment I felt a very intense fear I had not felt before consciously. For about a minute and half its like my mind was just in this loop of just feeling intense fear. Not towards what i wanted from these subs but from the current reality I was in. It had finally accepted this reality was the one that is dangerous for me, not the one the subs are trying to get me to accept.

When I ran the sub on Sunday i finally found out a major cause of all this resistance for all these years. I will try to explain this as best I can. It was all rooted in self hatred and self loathing. Essentially since I was so neglected at a early age it had come to these beliefs regarding my self worth and even hatred toward myself. Since that it seemed like this part of my subconscious had basically shut itself off in a way from other parts of the subconscious though it still influenced things greatly. Since i wasn't worth shit, deserving of love, etc this part hated itself and the other parts. It practice in a way a kind of emotional self harm since that is "what I deserved" since obviously I am not cared for by anyone. Thankfully with this knowledge and the sub i was able to heal myself of this. I felt it most definetely because that part has stopped shutting itself off from other parts of myself. i can feel it clearly within me. For a long time I felt lost in this world and felt as if something was missing inside of me. Now that I have this part of myself again i feel actually whole again. I feel as if I can do anything. That all those things people told me about myself that had no basis in reality were full of shit.

I realize that now people usually take the easy way out. Instead of dealing with their own fears, issues and traumas they rather run away from those and do the cowardly thing. Take it out on others and pass on their traumas, fears, and issues on to others. When i look at it through that lenses you are the strong one by forgiving and letting go of the past. These people who don't and continue to harm others are also hurting themselves because they are cowards and they refuse to deal with what is inside them. They have decided to run away. I have forgiven myself for what harm I might have done to others and I have forgiven the harm that was done to me. I'm done accepting lies. I will no longer accept lies about myself, I will no longer accept lies regarding others, and I will not accept lies regarding my environment.

Lies might spare your ego and make you "think" you have escape responsibilities but in reality you haven't escaped anything. In the long term accepting lies hurt you in the long term because when you accept lies you will then make decisions based on those lies. Making decisions based on lies you have accept will cause you harm no matter how much you want to think otherwise. Even the idea that you can escape your internal issues is a lie. All you can do is fight and overcome or remain subservient. I choose to overcome and I am a better person for it.

I've already started taking my responsibilities more seriously and just feel great now. I feel so much lighter now that I have taken responsibility, owned up to my issues, and choose to overcome them. I have a knew standard for myself and that is to be dedicated to the truth. Even when i am gone the truth will be hear regardless. It will be there whether i choose to recognize it or not. In dedicating myself to this I feel as though i am dedicating myself to an ideal that is eternal and greater than myself. It adds a high amount of stability to my life now.

I think that is about it for now. I will keep at this for up to 3 or maybe even 6 months i think. I want everything to be the best it can be before i switch to another sub. So i can get the best possible results for now on. I do want to thank Shannon once again for this sub especially. Its really been life changing.