Transcendental Sith Lord's OGSFv2 5.11G Journal

[DarthXedonias]

Well, things are still going well so far.

Looking forward to listening to the sub every time I can and I think I might go with listening to the full loop for now on.

I did notice one thing within the last couple of hours. Found out I only have basically 2 weeks to move out of this apartment. Instead of procrastinating till a few days beforehand I decided I'm going to go over different sections of my room each day to sort stuff I will put in my car and other stuff I will just throw out. Literally started last night then afterwards even though I will probably go to Korea I decided I will try to apply for government tech jobs while I wait for that 50 days for that one document I need to get stamped by the department of state. Ended up making a profile at one of the main sites local and state governments post their job openings at. Saw quite a few I could apply to throughout the country including small towns with low cost of living. Literally did this for like 4 to 5 hours straight with no real break. Yeah, tech jobs at governments don't pay as well but the benefits are good, its generally easy to get one since most tech people don't apply to them, its easy to get experience which is what I need and the pay is good if your in a small out of the way area. For example, one job I applied to was in a small town in Wyoming yet it was paying like 90k USD a year. I assume they were offering that much because its out of the way and they just couldn't attract tech workers out there. Funny enough I applied to a job in Shannon's neck of the words (Florida). I think the city was Kissimmee and luckily its pretty safe from hurricanes so I applied for it.

I was impressed because that was basically hours of me being very productive with no real breaks in between. I'm actually looking forward to moving if I can. If i don't get one of those jobs real quick I will need to stay with my sister until I leave for Korea while being on unemployment. Either way i will be happy to finally be away from my family to be honest. All of them are toxic to some degree though my father is the least toxic so far. It seems like me executing the instructions is really pushing me to get out of any toxic environment or influence that might slow my results. I can't agree enough with this as that is probably why progress was so slow over the years. I also notice that once I started this it seems like people who were toxic but able to hide it very well just seemed to tip their hand and they weren't able to really hide themselves. This then made it easier for me to just cut them out of my life.

[DarthXedonias]

I fully admit I am fully dazed still right now because something major did happen last night. I should start with things that happened a few days ago though. 

A few days ago I was basically able to finally just let go of most things. There was still a lot of anger, hurt and rage underneath. I took an honest examination of myself and thought if all this was really helping me. In the end I came to the conclusion that none of this was helping me however these things had been so much a part of my identity due to all the injustices I suffered at the hands of people throughout my life. In the end it didn't matter though and I mostly let it go. I remember while listening to the subliminal that my perception of reality changed. I will try to be honest about this because I think its a profound revelation to me and also I think in a meta physical sense it doesn't cross rule 4 territory too much however if someone brings it to my attention that it won't work so I will rephrase it or maybe delete it later. However I think this is an insight that might help others without crossing that part. 

Had someone asked me I would have said my ultimate belief is in reality itself. Its something everyone has to obey no matter what. However that day there were 2 major things that changed my mind on things. In order the first thing was it finally crossed my mind that the old beliefs I was holding can't work for me nor contain me like a cage anymore. I literally had this imagery in my minds eye of a cage or cell that was built to house maybe a 10 year old trying to contain me as an adult. Just seeing that imagery made me realize the ridiculousness of this all. That these were all beliefs that I gathered when I wasn't even mentally all there nor emotionally at my peak yet. Why am I as an adult holding so strongly onto beliefs that I either erroneously came to as a child/ teen or were taught by adults some of which I realize now might not have had my best interests at heart (whether intentionally or unintentionally)? That's when i literally felt myself breaking away from a lot of these old beliefs as if I was growing out of the cages themselves. I realized how illogical and not solid thinking these beliefs were based on. The second perception that shifted was what I mentioned before. Instead of seeing reality as this insurmountable thing that can not be changed I started to see it as a painting. I am a painter and reality is an unfinished painting. Many before me have added things to this painting called reality and there will be many people who come after me to paint. I saw the start contrast of my former deterministic view of reality as if so much of it was unchangeable compared to this new view that was more realistic and dynamic in action. Where "Change" is the only real constant. Billions of people painting, some aware of others and some only really concentrate on themselves as they paint. Some too "scared" to barely make any strokes on the painting while others make grand strokes with reckless abandon with little thought at all. 

It took me a while to even write out that last paragraph because it just hit me even more all the revelations in those sentences. The grandness of it all. As if just by existing I do have meaning and purpose due to the abnormity of this undertaking that is constantly happening. It feels as though once I got rid of these old beliefs my mind was finally able to expand into something much bigger and I was able to take a step back to look at things more objectively, to look at the whole picture instead of my small little corner of existence. This does bring me to what happened last night which is one of the most interesting experiences I have ever had. I think while processing the instructions I was in some state of lucid dreaming for a very long time. It was like I was on the razor edge of consciousness. There would be times where I didn't really feel conscious to other times i felt more conscious though not enough to be fully awake. While doing this I had dreams but mainly one. I should say during this, time felt all over the place. There were 2 dreams in particular the first which I thought I had weeks ago in real life but the more I think about it I think it was actually time being different during this experience. In other words I had the first dream earlier in the night then by the time I had the second dream it felt like it had been weeks later to me consciously. The first dream was where i had a room and filled it with cages, and large glass containers that you might keep pets in. I filled them with all matter of creatures, insects, and birds. I left the room then began the second dream. It had been weeks and I saw in some of the containers the animals or insects were dead. There were still some alive. There were even some cages or containers where some animals might be alive and some might be dead. I vividly remember a container where a giant lizard was dead and a large insect was feeding on its corpse. I ended up throwing out all the containers and cages that carried dead animals in them. If there were some still a live I just moved them to containers or cages where other alive creatures were. For some reason a particular bird stays in my mind. Its as if I could read its thoughts. After all those weeks it was still happy and as if it wasn't really all that hungry or on the verge of starvation. I moved it into a cage with some other flying animals. 

The only conclusion I came to is that what died in that room were beliefs I turned away from and starved of giving them any attention/ energy. Some others were alive by feeding on those animal's dead corpses. Some like the bird were just fine, nothing really bad happened to them. I will say this, over the last few days my attitude is very much different and emotionally I feel great. There is no great weight holding me down. I also notice when I talk to people I am very much more engaged. I actually enjoy conversating. I will keep updating as new changes arrive but I even have the feeling that by the end of the 6 month mark I might just be done. I'm not sure I am even have to be at this for a year. I will go for a year though if I have to so everything is cleared out.

[ncbeareatingman]

Amazing !! Fan-Tas-tic journal Darth. Bold Warrior of the Heart & Spirit !! Thanks for sharing all of that. WOW. thats like a go back and triple re-read that stuff.
One of the things Ive become keeinly aware of since I've been back "Home" caregiving and around family all too often in the past 3 1/2 years,is
"Toxic Loyalty" & " Learned Helplessness" and being on the path of Undoing all this stuff and letting the shit go, over time!! Layers of this 'stuff'
So grateful for awareness of such !!Bingo !! Game changers!! More Power to Ya DZ. Respect !! Keith.

[Shannon]

Darth, do you believe that you had PTSD and that this program is helping you heal and move on from it? It sounds like that might be a possibility.

[DarthXedonias]

@ncbeareatingman Thanks. Its interesting while I was writing that I actually had to stop and think a lot because as I was reviewing what was shown to me I just realized how deep my subconscious is trying to get me to think on these things. Also i realize i could of have used any number of examples instead of painting to explain the overall concepts and underlying assumptions but for some reason at that time painting was the method that seemed to best explain this type of thinking to me.

@Shannon I do think most likely it is. The curious thing is with that type of thinking exhibited by the "painting reality" example i seem to be able to look beyond good and evil as it were. As in by stepping back to a much larger view of the world good and evil just become different strokes on the mural that humanity is making. That then makes it so that I look at the horrible stuff that happened to me and I almost have this sense of indifference. Its just another stroke on the painting and i just so happened to witness it. It could have just as easily been someone else. Just because I was there for it doesn't mean I have to let this stroke mess up whatever I have planned for my work on the mural. As for other things I noticed with the PTSD I have less "flashbacks" as it were but if I have one now I kind of act differently from before. usually I notice they have less emotional turmoil and right afterwards I get right back to normal. I sit there and think why that happened and why I felt that way. Oh also forgot, though I don't know if its important. I noticed during that time when I was lucid dreaming i was actually talking in my sleep while those dreams I mentioned happened. I'm pretty sure I said no a bunch of times out loud. I only see this as significant because this is the first time this has ever happened. I never, ever talk in my sleep. This is the first time it has ever happened to my understanding.

[Shannon]

With regard to "good" and "evil", I have come to understand these as different poles on a spectrum of maturity. Those who do "good" understand the key fact that harming others harms themselves, so they try to help others without harming themselves, and make the world a better place. This requires maturity, wisdom and understanding.

Those who do "evil", on the other hand, invariably do so in an effort to benefit themselves in some way, without understanding that hurting theselves or others, or themselves by hurting others, is harmful to themselves and has repercussions. They often seek to gain money, power, etc. at the expense of others because they do not understand these things.

In effect, through this point of view, those who commit the most and worst evils are infants in maturity and understanding, and those who do the most good are wizened, seasoned and experienced adults who understand. One does not get angry with an infant for doing what an infant does, because they don't yet know any better. One must be understanding of this situation, and do the best they can to either help the infant grow, or avoid their influence.

As for having been harmed by the immaturity and resultant actions of another... consider that it helps YOU grow, become wiser and more experienced to have those experiences and work yourself through them. That brings you closer to the understanding that results in the natural outcome of doing good in the world, and making the world a better place.

This reminds me of one of the best and wisest quotes I have ever encountered, by Mahatma Ghandi:

"Be the change you wish to see in the world."

Profound words indeed.

[DarthXedonias]

@Shannon Thanks for what you said it actually had a lot of good information that I need to think on. On two things in particular I found quite enlightening. First the thing about maturity and them not seeing their survival being connected to others that had actually answered something i've been thinking on the last few weeks. Mainly where it concerns greed especially it seems like so many powerful people who lack any awareness of this. Where they think they can just keep treating people badly or over abusing their power then they are surprised when enough people get angry that ends with said person losing power or even losing their life. This despite there are so many powerful people in history who did the same and paid the price. Whether its because they got a whole populace angry enough to do something or you cross that one person you shouldn't have crossed. Maybe its the lie they tell themselves that says "That won't happen to me, i am different". Also what you said regarding I need to basically grow to overcome the these issues. I have come to that conclusion earlier this week because as I see it I only have 2 choices. Keep on giving into the hurt and pain which will lead me no where. I will just live a miserable life until the day I die. The alternative is I face the fear and pain to resolve everything so I can move on and make something of myself. Its clear to me option one gives me nothing really. Yeah, i avoid truly facing everything but in the end I still suffer and face a huge amount of mental and emotional torment. With the second option I face that torment head on but by facing it at least I get something out of it in the end, I get peace and joy. So if I'm going to suffer either way I might as well get something for my struggles.

Update: well there was one major thing that happened recently and it happened after the 2nd to last time I listened to the subliminal. I literally haven't watched youtube (except for my online class) in the last close to 48 hours. This is huge because quite frankly all summer I was trying to beat this addiction basically. I would have time where I would manage to go maybe 2 to 3 weeks without watching then slowly I would start watching again and it would be compulsorily. Like I would start refreshing the main page to see what else pops up and start wasting hours and hours of time. However after the second to last time of listening to the sub its like a switch was flipped. I didn't really notice until the first 24 hours was almost over that I hadn't watched a single video. Its like I just went cold turkey. Now I have tried to go cold turkey before but it was usually me thinking about it for a while then having to consciously choose not to do it. This was just effortless and without thought. I just didn't think about watching any videos. I'm sure eventually i will probably watch but it feels like it would be in control now and besides I noticed my wanting to socialize is way more enjoyable to me now. This is all big because as a young kid I was very extroverted but as stuff happened I just withdrew into my shell to hide away.

This is also big because this was the last dopamine chasing behavior I really had left. I noticed since highschool and then throughout the years I seemed to be adicted to dopamine rush producing behaviors. At first it was mainly video games, and TV shows. Later on it was those 2 plus porn and web surfing. I noticed though especially the last 3 years as I have done the subliminals that I started eliminating things though as I eliminated them I would up my usage of my other behaviors to compensate. So after a while I couldn't really watching series online as much because I guess i wasn't getting as stimulated from them along with stuff being resolved. So I upped my usage of video games. As things got resolved with that I dropped video games for the most part and then upped my usage of youtube with porn going and off. I noticed especially this last year and half the porn usage got to levels to the point I wasn't even thinking about it and if I watched it was maybe like once every 3 to 4 weeks. Now I noticed I can't really even get excited about it at all. This left youtube as the last bastion of those behaviors which I upped the usage by a lot to compensate for dropping all those other behaviors. Now whatever was producing me seeking these behaviors to begin with seem to just be gone and so is the compulsion to engage with youtube for anything besides work. I have the feeling as well that my brain chemistry or something has reset because normally if I watched something regarding my computer science courses on youtube that would not be enough to trigger enjoyment at all. It wouldn't stimulate me enough but now I found myself enjoying it and saying "learn this isn't so bad after all".

Either way something has just changed. Most likely some underlying issue was cleared up along with my brain being reset somehow if I find learning more stimulating now. I don't know what the underlying issue was but giving that I was chasing dopamine rush like activities it tells me that it must have been some kind huge underlying fear and anxiety that made me want to drown it out by doing such activities. There is 2 other things I have forgotten to mention these last few days. Ever since having my mind grasp on to that painting view of reality that I mentioned in another post its like my fear of death is just gone. As in my actual eventual death. Before thinking about that would promote this fearful response of really trying to escape that moment. Now its just an event that I will need to deal with eventually. Its just there and its going to happen eventually and i have made peace with that fact. The second thing is probably something that added to the last I mentioned. I realized how much my life does have meaning and purpose just by being here. With that painting analogy I realized we are all interconnected in ways that are unbelievable. I actually thought of the butterfly effect in this instance. For those that don't know the butterfly effect basically elaborates that if you changed even a small thing in the past that would cause a ripple affect that would change everything after that point. If you really thinking about it that meant if someone even went into the past and killed you earlier than you were supposed to that would mean your mere death would affect lots of people in ways you couldn't even fathom which then their difference in choices in response would affect even more people and so on and so forth. Even you by living instead of dying produces a different outcomes. I think from that mere fact alone everyone's life has some level of meaning and affect. We aren't as disconnected from each other as we believe.

I don't know why I didn't realize so many of these thing early. I guess I was just so blinded by my pain, mental anguish and anger to really understand these things to this level. When I really got to think about these things without being blinded by the things I mentioned I realize so much that my outlook on reality was so wrong. That is about it for now but I will report again soon when more stuff comes up. Its obviously to me so far picking to run this sub was the correct decision to make.

[DarthXedonias]

Just a quick update. Out of curiosity I tried watching a youtube video that was what is in demand for tech careers. I only watched like the 1/5th of the video that talked about my field (AI). After that I tried watching more but found I just got uninterested. This is quite different for me as I would normally even look at other possibilities of tech careers in the meantime. Whatever this is, even when I look on the home page I'm just not interested unless something that has practical information. I'm actually having the urge to start watching stuff regarding my course of study.

Speaking of which today I do start my new term for the next 6 months. I looked at the courses I have left and I have very good reason to believe I can finish all the rest of my course to finish the computer science degree (program is self paced so i can finish as quickly as I want). Reason being that i loaded up the schedule so that the first 4 classes are all test taking as the final and the last 5 classes have nothing but papers as the final. I think I can even get things done before the end of this year if I really work at it which would be great as I would be able to make it for the dead line for a lot of top Universities' masters programs in Artificial intelligence for fall next year. Unfortunately I'm just going to have to go straight to a masters program because trying to get an entry level in tech in the general sense is absolute crap at the moment. Its mostly layoffs right now and entry level positions have shrunk to literally 8% of the market. Every company just wants people with years of experience at the moment. So unless your in a special niche that has high demand but low competition (Artificial intelligence is one of those areas for obvious reasons right now) then its rough. So plan is to get into a masters program while probably still teaching in another country (most likely Korea at this point), study by myself on AI principles while leading up to entering the program, and pass the program within a year (taking summer and winter courses) if I can. That's all I can really do unless I look into maybe getting a tech job in Europe since some countries really lack technical talent at the moment. Germany being one I am eyeing a lot right now because of the high demand for skill workers and citizenship law changes (allowing dual citizenship and taking 3 years to obtain if you learn German). So I got a lot of work ahead of me to be honest.

However if I execute this subliminal and clear out what I need to clear out I should be fine. Even if i did run it for a whole year the year would be done by the time I enter the masters program then I can start running MLS for like a year until I finish the program. I still might want to run maverick eventually but I think its better to run it after the masters program. It would be dumb of me to maybe run it during the program then part way through I i give up on the program because Maverick makes me realize I rather go into medical school like I had been thinking instead of this. I would have gotten into debt for nothing at that point. At least if I do it afterwards I will still be able to do AI work which makes good money while I transition into medical school (most likely in another country so the training is shorter). So pretty much that is the final plan. This subliminal for 6 months to a year then switch to whatever version of MLS is available for a year.

[DarthXedonias]

I'm going to write this because just yesterday something very big did happen.

I've had a major reduction in PTSD symptoms including flashbacks. This all happened simply because I woke up yesterday and then first thoughts were "I want to change, I'm done living this life. I'm just going to forgive everyone whoever hurt me and move on. I will just choose to believe for now on". Literally, I just woke up and decided to forgive everyone from my past. I was still holding on to too much resentment and anger. It just felt like I woke up, decided something and a light was switched. All that anger, rage and resentment I still held just evaporated. I've even decided that if I see some old thought habits or flashbacks happen I would automatically remind myself that I have forgiven everyone and just wish them the best.

Once I made this decision its like all that hatred, bitterness and anger I was carrying within just vanished. I was reminded of a Buddhist saying "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." I should mention something ,which for some reason I felt compelled to reveal this even though its quite personal, that will reveal just how bad the hurt and suffering goes back. I actually remember clearly when I was 9 or 10 years old and thinking of ending my life. I just remember being at the sink cleaning stuff then all of a sudden I cleaning a knife then stopped all of a sudden. Wondering if it would just all end if I just took the knife and brought it close to my throat. I was able to snap out of it and drop the knife in the seek with clear fear in me but looking back that was the pain of neglect and emotional turmoil talking. Things didn't get better over the years as you know some people can sniff out people they consider weak and abuse the crap out of them while having a smile on their face. I realized like that quote I mentioned I just kept on holding on to that under the surface anger, hatred and hurt. I kept on drinking the poison, hoping it would hurt others.

I realized over these past many years I was the one making it worst. I literally took what people did to me and made it 10 times worst by constantly having them be rent free in my mind and agonizing over it. I was the one causing pain to myself at this point. I was the one in control and I could make the pain and suffering stop. I simply needed to forgive. I think forgiveness is a very misunderstood concept right now. There seems to be 2 extremes as I can tell. Those that simply think the idea of "forgiveness is for yourself" is hogwash and you should just take vengeance no matter what in anyway you can. The other extreme seems to think forgiveness means you rug sweep and act like everything is back to normal. I've realized overtime you can choose forgiveness but still decide not to have a relationship with someone of anything kind who has betrayed you. You know how they are and the trust is gone so no point in having any relationship with them for your own protection.

So, at this point after carrying all this for so long I'm just done. I give up all this so i can move on. If that means forgiving everyone who ever hurt me and forgiving myself then so be it. I just immediately had what was weighing me down all these years just lift off of me. I'm not weighed down anymore and I feel free to move on to whatever is next. This really put in perspective that Marcus Aurelius quote I've said before: “Choose not to be harmed — and you won't feel harmed. Don't feel harmed — and you haven't been.” Its like as soon as I choose to forgive all the pain just went away. By choosing to forgive I was no longer harmed. I really realize the power of forgiveness after finally being able to leave it all behind now.

Other than that not much has happened. I'm just sitting here the last day or so trying to figure out how I proceed with this new found freedom. I still know I want to spend one year in Korea, then 3 years in Germany to get citizenship then 1 year in Japan to get permanent residency. I'm just coming out with new details regarding that. Funny thing is yesterday when I woke up and decided on all that I was actually able to get done a whole bunch of stuff I was being too lazy to do lately. Its like there isn't as much stuff weighing me down from accomplishing my goals now. That's about all for now but I will post here again when new stuff comes up.

[Shannon]

Congratulations! That step you describe above is a HUGE one, and very, very few people come to be able to make it. It requires an understanding that few possess, and gaining it requires the readiness to do so, which only happens at the pace at which you are ready to grow. Congratulations for growing, and for achieving this important accomplishment and milestone. It is a huge deal, and it does my heart good to see you making this progress.

Now I ask that when you are ready, you help one or more others achieve the same thing.

[DarthXedonias]

Well more has happened so thought I would report. I also want to draw attention to a self sabotaging technique I was able to uncover in case it needs to be addressed in future subs or people might be having the same issue. I think though since I overcame it current anti fear tech in the subs is probably enough.

So I realized in order to get the most out of all this I had to do something I should have been doing a long time ago. While listening I have been actively thinking and trying to reconcile every single major traumatic event in my life. On top of this I have gone to the times when I felt the most guilt, shame, and/or fear. I won't lie trying to do this was not pleasant at times but it needed to be done. The only way your going to get over such events is by facing them and overcoming them within your own mind. I found though that doing this whatever event I was thinking about would either start rectifying itself in my mind and/or its like my mind put myself back in that same circumstance and I acted completely different from how I did. As if I was overcoming the traumatic event within my mind. I notice with things starting to get resolved all of a sudden I got happier, more joy and I just started seeing everything more positively. I actually had decided within my mind that I'm just going to see things more positively now and do things from a positive viewpoint. My mind has been very quiet. I don't have as many rapid thoughts and especially thoughts on more negative situations. The daydreaming is basically gone. Its like I am in the here and now without being distracted.

One other important thing I noticed is that the voice in my head basically started believing and following the instructions. When I mean voice in my head I mean when your actively thinking within your mind or talking (think analyzing something out loud in your mind). Its hard to explain but that part of me it just felt like it started believing and that was a major turning point. I always felt like this part of me was always sitting there trying to be objective, etc and analyzing the thoughts that occur in my head.

Lastly, I figured out a self sabotaging technique that was being used which would help regrow the fears and negative beliefs over the years after I thought they had originally been done with. While listening I started having that thought of "what if it all comes back?". However this time automatically my mind just froze and it was like all my attention was drawn to that thought. Like my eyes were finally open. I saw that for what it was and its like my mind followed the train of thought to what it would lead to and the game was up after that. Essentially I realized what was happening over the years has been That thought goes through my head, it produces fear which strengths the "belief" that everything I dealt with will come back which produces more fear, etc, etc. The part of me resisting was using this feed back loop of fear and belief in order to regrow anything that got "resolved". If not right away it would regrow within 2 weeks. However I caught on to what was going on and its like that didn't work anymore. As soon as the method was found out I saw it for what it was. I dealt with that belief and fear right away which means basically any gains I make for now on stay that way. Thought I would share this in case anyone might be going through the same thing or/and it needs to maybe be dealt with directly. However the fact that I caught on to this finally after years of using other subs means maybe this sufficiently dealt with in 5.11G.

Anyway, that's about it for now. Major changes keep happening and I'm glad I decided to stick with this sub. At the rate I'm going I think i might only need to stick with this till the 6 month mark. I think most of everything will be cleared out by then. After that I think its on to MLS as I will need to both learn more tech over the next year and German.

[Ruffian]

...While listening I have been actively thinking and trying to reconcile every single major traumatic event in my life. On top of this I have gone to the times when I felt the most guilt, shame, and/or fear...  The only way your going to get over such events is by facing them and overcoming them within your own mind.



Lastly, I figured out a self sabotaging technique that was being used which would help regrow the fears and negative beliefs over the years after I thought they had originally been done with...  Essentially I realized what was happening over the years has been That thought goes through my head, it produces fear which strengths the "belief" that everything I dealt with will come back which produces more fear, etc, etc. The part of me resisting was using this feed back loop of fear and belief in order to regrow anything that got "resolved"...  However I caught on to what was going on and its like that didn't work anymore. As soon as the method was found out I saw it for what it was. I dealt with that belief and fear right away...

Thank you for your insights and helpful suggestions. I'm going to give them a try.

[DarthXedonias]

Well, thought I should update here.

Interesting thing is as I have gone on this journey the less desire I have had to check in on this site. I've actually have started to believe what the sub is doing more and more. One noticeable thing was just a few days ago I literally woke up and just said I'm not going to allow stuff in the pass to affect me anymore. Its like I just decided this isn't helping me at all anymore and I will just decided what I believe and want with my own life. Also something else happened last night where literally I was just going over all the stuff mainstream society has instilled in me or that it has to offer. I just realized that mainstream society and its messages don't have anything to offer me and I just felt a shift in myself. I closed all my youtube tabs (the main last bastion of time wasting it seems) and am contemplating either just blocking the site on chrome or making another google account so I can have access to study materials that I might need in video form but since its an all new account it won't be able to use the algorithm to tempt me with recommended videos. It will overtime just recommend videos that have to do with my field in tech and study materials. Its like I took an honest assessment of the main things I see right now: the constant push for consumption (could be youtube, drama, etc, etc), and things that will just pleasure you in the short term but have negative long term consequences. Once I was just honest with that and some of the things I was still having issues getting rid of its like something just died in me. I couldn't make excuses anymore for some things.

With that in mind I actually plan on losing weight and stop eating out as much. I looked at my account and realized I really need to stop ordering food as much. So plan on being a lot more disciplined within the next few weeks if not months. I don't know why but for some reason even though it is slowly lowering the amount of negative emotions and the PTSD to a certain extent I feel like in order to fully get rid of it I am being pulled to maybe trying hypnosis directly aimed at the PTSD. I will probably due that within a few months though for now I still plan on continuing this for another couple of months until I'm done with the full run through. I should be done with this run through around late February. I have to say though besides AM6 this is the longest I have stayed dedicated to a sub so far. I will see if I need to go for an additional 6 months once I get to that point. However with the way I'm reacting to all this being half way through this run I think there is a lot more to come. If I were to comment on my emotional state each day I would say it is either neutral or slightly above that. This is quite different from before where I felt like there was this constant negative fog following me around. One other thing which is a major change is that on command if I give attention to it I can just make myself happy in that moment if I want. I never was able to do this before so it shows some kind of emotional control i have over myself now.

As for my plans for those interested unfortunately seems like I might not be headed to Korea until late February or first week of March. Many schools just aren't looking for new teachers until around that time. Will need to move from this place by the last of this month though. So looks like I will be staying somewhere else until I have to leave at that point. I'm actually glad to a degree because I've actually decided I am going to work my hardest to finish my degree before March along with learning one programming language (python) before then. I might actually try to learn Python before the end of this month. I've even thought of if I learn everything pretty well I might try to see if I can head over to Europe right away instead of spending one year in Korea.

There is one other change I noticed since yesterday as well and I think it was after I was convinced by the subliminal that this society just didn't have much to offer me. I feel like I'm just done with living in big cities now. I still want to do major stuff in AI but I feel like I can try to do that remotely while living in a more rural area surrounded by forests and mountains. This does seem possible as I have been looking into Rural houses that are in good condition and the Japanese government wants people to buy. So I'm actually learning more towards that once I make my way to Japan to get Permanent residency eventually. Might make Japan my base of operations eventually instead of Europe. At least by the time I head there I would have already been done with my Masters in AI and should have no problems financially anymore. I think for me that is the major thing, I just don't want to have to worry about finances anymore.

So overall have to say I'm doing well. At first while on this sub I had to get through a lot of stuff but now it feels as though I'm just improving at a steady pace. I will probably post again when something major happens. Until then everyone take care.

[Shannon]

Pleased to see you're getting good results.