Transcendental Sith Lord's OGSF 5.9G Journal

[DarthXedonias]

I enjoy seeing your progress.

Thanks a lot for the kind words. Thank you for the good subliminal. It was just what I needed. 

Update:

So something happened that delayed some of my plans. Its quite a big event but I think due to the sub I was able to actually handle it quite well. I should explain at first I am one of those people right now in my life who is horrible with getting back to people on the phone. Mainly because I'm working 40 hours a week from 12am in the morning to 9am in the morning and then on top of that doing my Bachelors in computer science full time. This means I'm usually quite tired sleeping a lot of the rest of the time. Usually for 7 hours (this is quite good still considering I used to sleep 10 to 12 hours when younger due to depression and other things). My father has known this for quite a long time though he tries to call frequently but on top of that I'm just not a person who is on the phone a lot. I used to do that maybe in Highschool but afterwards it seemed like a waste of time to be sitting there talking to someone for hours everyday or every other day. I know people are different and I get that, this just applies to me. I understand as well there are times when you legitimately might want to be on the phone for a while especially if its someone you haven't talked to in a long time. 

Anyway he was calling a bit more frequently last week so I eventually got back to him on Friday night I believe but he didn't answer. So I had my last night of work last night, before having 2 nights off, and checked my voice messages only to get a message that said, "I ain't going to call you anymore, bye". Now I do want to say I will take responsibility for what I could have done differently despite him knowing that I'm not good with getting back by phone, etc. I could have probably texted this and that is my fault. However given this was only over the span of a week and I had already explained all of this too him (the constant working, studying and being tired, etc) I do wonder how much was my fault and how much is him. However what was interesting was my response. Before I know for a fact I would have been totally devastated, probably go into a PTSD fit, and just increasing my own suffering through my own thoughts. Have I thought about it the last 2 hours or so? Yes, but I have noticed myself using reasoning to get through it and succeeding in when I notice myself starting to think on it too much to stop myself for a while. I just listened, realized what this means, tried calling him, and blocked him afterwards. Quite honestly there was 2 things that came to mind. If you as a parent knows what the other parent did to your son but then abandon him yourself over something so small that you already knew about and did so when he needed your help the most I am done with that relationship. Th second thing is that I know ,and I think some people who followed me from back when I started posting here on the old site, that very young me forgave people way too easily. Well I should say forgave but rug swept people's grievances against me to the point that I know for a fact I was a doormat. I would say over the last few years and especially the last year and half I have grown out of that. You burn that bridge "intentionally" and with aim to harm me then that bridge will stay destroyed. I will make a bridge with someone else then. There is no coming back for me after that. 

As a side note to point this out I think some might remember that a year ago I was really distraught over about a month with a "friend" I had that had literally burnt bridges with me. You want to know why? Because I wasn't interested in getting the type of computer setup he was trying to sell me on (despite telling him 2 times I'm not interested) so I ignored his messages to cool off for 2 days then he flew into a rage. Anyway ended up blocking him everywhere. Funny thing on discord he tried to message me in a certain discord room he was still in (had him still blocked but I could clock on the blocked message to see what it said). It was literally him trying to contact me with some sob story I think it was to get me to start talking to him again as if nothing happened. Apparently his cousin visited him and messed with the wrong type of women and got accused of "you know what" and he tried to back up his cousin that that didn't happen. She then turned around and accused him as well so that the government there got involved and he was going to flee the country. No comment on it really as that is his situation and I don't know all the details nor do I want to know. Either way I read that and someone else had responded to him in the discord. I just responded to that person asking who they were responding to, basically giving the hint I hadn't even read it and had no intention on doing so. He got the hint and left me alone. No more messages after that. So yeah, I've gotten to the point that if you burn that bridge it ain't coming back. 

Now the reason I'm going over all this is because I feel totally different than how I would normally react to something like that. I think I've made peace with the fact a few weeks ago that sometimes people are just going to leave your life and I'm ok with that fact. It just happens and people's paths diverge. That is in accordance with nature as the stoics would say so I shouldn't be upset about something that is in accordance with nature and can happen to anyone. So I've just let go of it, blocked my father, and will reach my goals without him in my life. For once in my life I feel as if despite any bad situation that might happen I have the confidence and courage to keep going. I know where I want to go. I want to make big discoveries and strides in AI. I've already rededicated myself to my studies (basically been studying everyday), plan on graduating and then doing a masters degree. I even came to the realization that eventually I will need to start my own tech company and I am fine with that if that is what is needed in order for me to reach my goal. The idea of starting my own company would have scared me to death years ago but now its not a big deal. Its just something else I need to do in order to reach my goal. Also one other way I notice the logic part of the sub is working is I'm able to use logic to get through any pain now. The thought that came into my head is "what did I really lose in the end?". I still have alternative pathways to get to where I need to be eventually besides moving to Texas and quite frankly someone who would leave me high and dry during a time when I could have used them in a bad situation is someone not worth having in your life in the end. They are doing you a favor. I believe in myself that despite who might abandon me, whether it be friend or relative, I can reach where I need to be. At this point I'm just writing this down here to go over this situation one more time then just leave it be after this post as far as thinking of it in real life. The past is dead and done with. It can't be changed, I can only make choices that affect the present and I choose to move on. 

As one last thing that is unrelated but is connected to the sub in some way. I find I don't like just getting "pleasure" or immediate pleasure. Whether that's from watching a bunch of youtube videos, playing video games for hours often, watching tv, or especially watching porn. I find now that I'm way more willing to take the way of working towards a more meaningful life which gives meaning, purpose and greater satisfaction. I find this satisfaction everytime now when I complete some of my programmer problems for my course, etc which works toward my ultimate goal. Its funny how fast things have changed for me. I realize now the reason why so many people feel empty and their lives feel meaningless is because they keep on going to reward themselves for essentially doing nothing. When your binge watching youtube for that dopamine hit to reward yourself when you could be doing something way more meaningful that will move your life forward. But of course most don't want to because the path to meaning is full of difficult times or unpleasant situations. It might require self discipline and delaying immediate gratification but some people just don't want to do that. I learned through this as well that word "difficult" doesn't even exist in the way it does for most people. Difficulty is nothing but added time needed to learn or do something. It doesn't mean impossible or unsurmountable as it seems in some people's minds. It just takes added time which requires patience. I mainly learned all this due to the sub and then being pointed in direction of Miyamoto Susashi. He became the number 1# samurai in Japan because he fully dedicated himself to his goal. He would even forgo basic pleasures in order to remain self disciplined and not to have his eyes stray from his goal. 

Overall ever since I started this sub things have changed in very meaningful and tangible ways. I am fully dedicated to keeping this going until I reach the 3rd or 4th month.