02-12-2021, 10:10 PM
Well, time to write a short update.
Results have held steady and indeed the removal portion of FRM does work for me. Whatever fears were dealt with have not regrown or come back. I have not watched porn in weeks now and have no desire to do so. Matter of fact I have women I talk to right now that are interested in me but at the same time they aren't my main concern. Its like that obsession with women just isn't there anymore which honestly helps it so that they might be attracted in the first place. Also just normal women at my work I talk to with no agenda whatsoever. I just talk to people to talk to them and that's it lol. I think I mentioned that one time where I noticed there was starting to be sexual tension with a women at work. Its like I just took notice of it , said "hmmm?" and then just went back to talking since I didn't really care lol.
Along a similar lines something happened today that needs mentioning. So I told them one women that I've been talking to for a while that I might help her out in this serious situation she is in (She's pretty good looking and doesn't mind when we meet up if we have threesomes with other women, etc). During part of the discussion she started getting bitchy as it were and started getting disrespectful. I called her out on that stuff immediately and the next words out of her mouth is "I'm sorry". I've noticed this quite often now where if someone tries to act disrespectful towards me I immediately call that shit out and they back down because they realize I don't take that shit anymore.
The funny thing is when it comes to women who try to do that now a familiar thing goes through my head where I think "Well because of this this relationship might end or I might end up blocking her but that's fine with me". Its like I make peace with the fact that I might let her go. Its not a fear thing really its more of a I'm not attached to her and willing to let her go at any moment if she doesn't treat me right. So far every time I think they have sense this that I'm willing to let them go if they keep that shit up and then they just fold because they see I'm serious. Before shit tests like this might have really annoyed me and they do only slightly now but for some reason some part of me now enjoys calling out people when they cross my boundaries. Its like I get energized doing it.
Another thing that has held strong is I am definitely a lot more extroverted and get energy from being around people. I was pretty much like this when I was very young, before the trauma and everything. Funny thing is when i think about any of that past when shit was bad I don't even really think about it or I have some vague sense of it. To be honest that didn't even feel or seem like me at all. It was a totally different person as far as I'm concerned. It feels like I have been like this forever not just a few weeks. That old person seemed like another lifetime ago.
As for other things going on I have become a workaholic in a sense. The only thing that seems to give me any purpose now is working towards my goals and being productive. Games, movies, entertainment do nothing for me really. In a similar vein due to some mess ups at the university I might not start till April 1st. I really hope it doesn't come to that but if it does I will just work on learning some programming before hand and possibly Chinese while on MLSv2. Hopefully the learned programming will enable me to finish within the a month anyway once I start so I graduate around May. The more I think of it though despite the coming currency problem I think what I will do is get a job here paying a lot for a few more months and transfer my money to my Chinese account so I'm not affected so much. It would also make it so when shit hits the fan here I can just go on vacation for a bit somewhere else that might allow Americans for a bit, could even work remotely elsewhere or in another English speaking country until stuff here settles down.
The other option is that I really, really try to get back to China even though its difficult at the moment or I head to Korea to teach English though it will be lesser pay than I can get here and has its own issues. I do admit funny enough if DMSI comes out I wouldn't mind taking a breather to have fun and run it in South Korea as lets say there's some pretty good looking South Korean women that I've seen. Granted, most women there get facial plastic surgery real young there so that is part of the reason why lots of them look good.
I did find out an answer to something which Nietzsche had pondered. He was trying to figure out a way to overcome the coming Nihilism he foresaw in the future (The one lots of people are experience now) and he had thought that the best way to live is to imagine that you lived a life that you were to repeat 1000 times and never get tired of living. I think he over thought it. If you simply love live itself without any pre-conditions then you will live a life like that. That is where I am at, I love life itself and therefore though i might not have reached my goals yet I would be happy to live this life thousands of times if need be.
@Shannon Interesting thing that you might want to know. I know in your concept yours didn't have anything to do with "death" but I did feel like in my case there was some of that. It seems like when I got to the point of just saying "Screw it, I'm going to change and if I die in the process or have to give up my life then so be it". After that it seemed like the subconscious didn't have jack shit afterwards. I mean when you get over the ultimate fear of any living thing "death"... what else can it possibly use? I called its bluff and it had nothing else after that. I faced the fear of my own mortality and came out the winner. Funny, now I want to live not because I fear death but because I love life. Since I love life without preconditions I can then live any life in any reality I guess you could say and be happy with that. Not sure if that makes any sense but that's how I like to think of it.
@Shannon btw, there has been something I've been thinking of that I've been meaning to ask you. In your opinion do things like "difficulty" really exist? I've been going it over in my head and I really wonder if it really does. Like maybe its more of a thing of the mind? Sure there are some things that are more time consuming than others but I wonder does this thing called difficulty even exist or is it something purely in our minds? I wonder to get your opinion on it as I haven't really come to a conclusion myself. I guess a bunch of fear must be gone from me if I'm even questioning something like difficulty.
Results have held steady and indeed the removal portion of FRM does work for me. Whatever fears were dealt with have not regrown or come back. I have not watched porn in weeks now and have no desire to do so. Matter of fact I have women I talk to right now that are interested in me but at the same time they aren't my main concern. Its like that obsession with women just isn't there anymore which honestly helps it so that they might be attracted in the first place. Also just normal women at my work I talk to with no agenda whatsoever. I just talk to people to talk to them and that's it lol. I think I mentioned that one time where I noticed there was starting to be sexual tension with a women at work. Its like I just took notice of it , said "hmmm?" and then just went back to talking since I didn't really care lol.
Along a similar lines something happened today that needs mentioning. So I told them one women that I've been talking to for a while that I might help her out in this serious situation she is in (She's pretty good looking and doesn't mind when we meet up if we have threesomes with other women, etc). During part of the discussion she started getting bitchy as it were and started getting disrespectful. I called her out on that stuff immediately and the next words out of her mouth is "I'm sorry". I've noticed this quite often now where if someone tries to act disrespectful towards me I immediately call that shit out and they back down because they realize I don't take that shit anymore.
The funny thing is when it comes to women who try to do that now a familiar thing goes through my head where I think "Well because of this this relationship might end or I might end up blocking her but that's fine with me". Its like I make peace with the fact that I might let her go. Its not a fear thing really its more of a I'm not attached to her and willing to let her go at any moment if she doesn't treat me right. So far every time I think they have sense this that I'm willing to let them go if they keep that shit up and then they just fold because they see I'm serious. Before shit tests like this might have really annoyed me and they do only slightly now but for some reason some part of me now enjoys calling out people when they cross my boundaries. Its like I get energized doing it.
Another thing that has held strong is I am definitely a lot more extroverted and get energy from being around people. I was pretty much like this when I was very young, before the trauma and everything. Funny thing is when i think about any of that past when shit was bad I don't even really think about it or I have some vague sense of it. To be honest that didn't even feel or seem like me at all. It was a totally different person as far as I'm concerned. It feels like I have been like this forever not just a few weeks. That old person seemed like another lifetime ago.
As for other things going on I have become a workaholic in a sense. The only thing that seems to give me any purpose now is working towards my goals and being productive. Games, movies, entertainment do nothing for me really. In a similar vein due to some mess ups at the university I might not start till April 1st. I really hope it doesn't come to that but if it does I will just work on learning some programming before hand and possibly Chinese while on MLSv2. Hopefully the learned programming will enable me to finish within the a month anyway once I start so I graduate around May. The more I think of it though despite the coming currency problem I think what I will do is get a job here paying a lot for a few more months and transfer my money to my Chinese account so I'm not affected so much. It would also make it so when shit hits the fan here I can just go on vacation for a bit somewhere else that might allow Americans for a bit, could even work remotely elsewhere or in another English speaking country until stuff here settles down.
The other option is that I really, really try to get back to China even though its difficult at the moment or I head to Korea to teach English though it will be lesser pay than I can get here and has its own issues. I do admit funny enough if DMSI comes out I wouldn't mind taking a breather to have fun and run it in South Korea as lets say there's some pretty good looking South Korean women that I've seen. Granted, most women there get facial plastic surgery real young there so that is part of the reason why lots of them look good.
I did find out an answer to something which Nietzsche had pondered. He was trying to figure out a way to overcome the coming Nihilism he foresaw in the future (The one lots of people are experience now) and he had thought that the best way to live is to imagine that you lived a life that you were to repeat 1000 times and never get tired of living. I think he over thought it. If you simply love live itself without any pre-conditions then you will live a life like that. That is where I am at, I love life itself and therefore though i might not have reached my goals yet I would be happy to live this life thousands of times if need be.
@Shannon Interesting thing that you might want to know. I know in your concept yours didn't have anything to do with "death" but I did feel like in my case there was some of that. It seems like when I got to the point of just saying "Screw it, I'm going to change and if I die in the process or have to give up my life then so be it". After that it seemed like the subconscious didn't have jack shit afterwards. I mean when you get over the ultimate fear of any living thing "death"... what else can it possibly use? I called its bluff and it had nothing else after that. I faced the fear of my own mortality and came out the winner. Funny, now I want to live not because I fear death but because I love life. Since I love life without preconditions I can then live any life in any reality I guess you could say and be happy with that. Not sure if that makes any sense but that's how I like to think of it.
@Shannon btw, there has been something I've been thinking of that I've been meaning to ask you. In your opinion do things like "difficulty" really exist? I've been going it over in my head and I really wonder if it really does. Like maybe its more of a thing of the mind? Sure there are some things that are more time consuming than others but I wonder does this thing called difficulty even exist or is it something purely in our minds? I wonder to get your opinion on it as I haven't really come to a conclusion myself. I guess a bunch of fear must be gone from me if I'm even questioning something like difficulty.
"I have no use of disciples. Let everyone be their own true follower" - Nietzsche
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