Transcendental Sith Lord's OFv2 Journal

[DarthXedonias]

@Rusty About the fear motivation oh I'm sure there are some fears that push people to do productive things. I believe Shannon has mentioned this a few times where people report lacking motivation because it was fear motivating them to do things before. In the end its probably much better to find a better motivation. Yeah fear might be helpful then but its not easy to control and can keep on propagating itself in ways that to the point it becomes unhelpful and hindering. Not to mention there's been a few examples around here where the fear might have been helpful in a certain situation but once that situation has passed it starts to hinder the person. I think the example that comes to mind is an example Shannon used regarding the weight loss program. It was where some women when younger was getting molested by a relative. Her subconscious because it fear this started eating a lot to gain weight and make herself look unattractive to protect herself. Problem is once she was no longer around said relative having that weight became a hinderance and part of her refused to let go of the weight because it still "feared" what would happen if she was attractive again.

As for today, things went relatively well. Had to take an Uber today to work but it was fine. The Uber ride back especially was interesting as I had an conversation with the driver with no social anxiety or fear at all. Was quite enjoying the conversation. Before I would have been hesitant to say much with being fearful of what I might say, etc. No such issue. Decided to tip the guy since it was a very enjoyable conversation. I find more and more as well I can't really stand much of people's complaining or negativity. If it's just them being playfully negative (like a co-worker is telling me some funny negative instance that happened to them on the job) then its fine but if its just straight up negativity I just don't like it and remove myself from the situation. Don't know why but find it just annoys me and does nothing.

Still can't really play in games. Its like I look on the screen to my PS4 and the games I have just don't interest me anymore. Feels like I have better things I could be doing. I don't think people realize just how big this is. I've been playing games since I was a kid at about 5-6 years old. Back then was playing Sega Genesis then got my real first console with an N64 (my brother had the Play station). I was pretty much neglected as a kid so pretty much was left on my own and as my external environment got worst I believe I just got myself more and more involved in these fictional worlds (video games, reading fantasy books,etc). Over the years I had lost a little bit of interest in games though that's only due to many video game companies being complete crap and more interested in how to monitinize a game instead of making the game actually good for the consumer then when said consumer complains the company and directors just blame the consumers (< never thought I would see the day when this would be the norm for a lot of companies in many industries now). Thing is it seems a major fear has been dealt with and the fact that this one has been dealt with means the sub is at least dealing with deep fears from when I was 5-6 at this time.

Assuming that OFv2 might deal with more recent fears first then reach further and further back to older and more foundational fears then this might explain the new slate type feeling as I'm assure I was still developing some foundational stuff back at that age. I also still feel no connection to my previous company. Sometimes I think I might just open a party on PSN chat and talk to them but then it just feels like "why"? I just don't really feel a connection with them anymore. Sure they might have been entertaining to a degree but you need more in life than entertainment. You need purpose, meaning and goals that actually make life worth it. Its obvious to me that they are too afraid. They rather just live in their comfortable, meager existences and achieve nothing of importance in this world. It actually reminds me of a quote from Teddy Roosevelt (arguably one of the most go getter people you have heard of) that I had read many, many years ago:

“Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.”

I did just remember something else touching on the video game topic. That I forgot which E-book it was but I remember reading part of it. In one section is was trying to argue that avid videogame playing (along with a few other choices of entertainment) are basically the realm of the beta. I don't think he was saying playing every once in a while was bad but that most betas try to get the "feeling" of being alpha and masculine through some fictional character in a fictional world or try to be "competitive" in such worlds instead of showing those attributes in the real world. Probably because they are fearful of acting out those alpha like traits in the real world or think its too difficult but doing it in some fictional world that doesn't really matter is ok. Alphas are on the other hand too busy actually doing stuff that actually makes meaningful difference to their lives to be wasting time on stuff that doesn't really matter.

Lastly, still been thinking about my future plans. I will definitely be running UMS and MLS. As mentioned if it comes out before March 1st I will definitely be running MLS for a good time while I finish my Computer Science degree (then in the future Masters degree). Eventually I will have to run UMS as I do want to do research in the area of AI and research means funding. Rather be quite wealthy myself instead of having to rely on funding from corporations and being answerable to them. Also rather own all the rights to my inventions. I will definitely being trying to save up enough money to leave the US back to China by some time in early march. I rather not be here when a currency crisis happens. Funny thing about that though is that when I was warning about a possible currency Crisis since like 2008 a lot of the people I knew were in denial. I could show them all the numbers of why it would happen along with the outrageous money printing yet they would just say "That's not going to happen here", etc, etc. Funny how now some of those same people are saying to me "Hey, maybe you were right that something was going to happen" smh. I swear you could draw people graphs, charts and show them the numbers that something is unsustainable and is going to have bad consequences in the future but they won't believe you until the situation is practically on top of them.