Transcendental Sith Lord's OFv2 Journal

[DarthXedonias]

Amazing report!
Which sub would you say contributed more to your clean slate
OF or E4?

Hmmm not sure, felt like a progression. Obviously I first started noticing results with OFv1, then E4 push that further and then OFv2 has probably pushed it the most. Thing is even though the tech upgrade for OFv2 was a major turn around for me I did like E4 for the fact that it not only was removing stuff (Fear, guilt, shame, etc) it also was installing stuff to make you feel good. Not that I don't feel good most of the time now but every once in a while it feels "weird" or "empty". I have a theory as to that. I think whatever minor fears are left over keep on trying to be strengthened by overlapping fears but some of those overlapping fears are no longer there drawing my attention to those empty spots where they should be there. To use an example think of how individual threads in a spider web are connected to lots of other threads to strengthen the entire web. Now what happens once some of those threads start to disappear? I'm sure the web can still hold itself together after missing a few threads but it starts falling a part once too many are missing. 

I do admit this does make me glad to eventually jump on are sub in probably a few months that actually installs more stuff instead of just removing stuff. The empty feeling is nice and refreshing sometimes but others times it feels kind of weird. I do think as well there might be a secondary reason as well. That the sub has removed a certain thread that was central to my previous identity and once that thread was removed it feels "empty". That would make sense to a degree as I have not played any games in a few days or watched any porn. Porn was already heavily on the decline these last few months, games I was already starting to loose interest in though I kept on playing them but now I just don't feel like doing either. I also kept on having this nagging feeling to stop talking to these guys I talk to on PlayStation chat. They aren't bad guys it just feels like they have no aspirations in life. One just works at a gym and then comes home to play games all the time. The other is a cool guy who likes talking about science ,etc but works regular jobs and smokes pot all the time. I don't know I just feel like while I've been making all this progression that I just want to hangout with people who have more ambition. I mean I've talked to them about my plans to get a second degree in computer science and possibly a masters degree at one of the big universities online (Harvard, Columbia, Virginia tech, Georgia Tech,etc) but besides a kind of "good luck" it seems like they really aren't interested in really going anywhere high in life. 

Funny enough I've also had the feeling of finding some outside hobbies lately that I can do regularly to get outside the house. Who knows, maybe hiking or something. My sex drive really isn't an issue anymore. Its like sex, is just sex and isn't some big deal in my mind anymore. Its probably why besides maybe a cursory glance to recognize a women is attractive I don't really care all that much. I feel like I have way more important things on my mind such as getting my degrees and getting the kind of pay and life I deserve. With that in mind in the coming months I'm actually looking more forward to running UMSv2 or MLSv2(This one especially since I should be starting my second degree on March 1st) if they come out then DMSI. I might run DMSI eventually just for fun but that's it. I feel like I have way more important things to do than chasing women. 

In other news I woke this morning to something in my head feeling very, very threatened. I don't know what it was but it maybe me feel somewhat sick to my stomach. Despite that I basically said consciously that I'm not going to run away and that I will change. Soon afterwards it change to a feeling of somewhat sadness and lost and then I was back to normal. No idea what that was. There is one other thing though not sure if its related at all. I think I might need to change my loops to 1 instead of 2 like I've been doing. Reason being that after I made that painfully obvious decision of stop using "you can't tell me what to do" the very next day when I listened to loops during the second loop it felt like my mind was getting annoyed as in "Ok, I get it already I'm executing". Maybe since that resistance is gone my mind doesn't need as much input possibly. That or perhaps I had the volume up to high. Eh, either way I might try it. 

Anyway, besides that not much else to report. I just realized though while typing this that the reason the empty feels a bit jarring at times is probably because it feels like I'm simply existing. No negative thoughts going around in my head a lot and only positive thoughts every once in a while. It makes me realize that fear had become a very foundational part of my old identity. Without it it seems very empty.