The saga continues: AM 6

[kalmah0804]

Sorry to be a dumbie, but what day/stage are you on now? Very curious as to how much running you have left!

[mat422]

Sorry to be a dumbie, but what day/stage are you on now? Very curious as to how much running you have left!

Right now I'm on stage 5. Switching over to stage 6 sometime this week. Hoping all this comes together more, we'll see.

[kalmah0804]

Sorry to be a dumbie, but what day/stage are you on now? Very curious as to how much running you have left!

Right now I'm on stage 5. Switching over to stage 6 sometime this week. Hoping all this comes together more, we'll see.

When I did my first run, Stages 1 and 2 were generally pretty awesome, Stage 3 was mixed, and Stages 4 & 5 were exceptionally tough. Stage 6 was freaking brutal, too, but somehow it all completely wrapped itself up really, realy nicely only in the last 2-3 days.

My 2nd run, I grew so tired and out of control that I actually quit the sub midway of Stage 6. I had about a week left to run to finish it, and it left me really fucked up and unbalanced, even still, now, to this day (I think). Props on making it this far on a really brutal and challenging program. You might not feel any positives until only the very, very, very last day or two of the final stage, but I can assure you once that wrap-up phase hit for me it felt really, really good.

[mat422]

Sorry to be a dumbie, but what day/stage are you on now? Very curious as to how much running you have left!

Right now I'm on stage 5. Switching over to stage 6 sometime this week. Hoping all this comes together more, we'll see.

When I did my first run, Stages 1 and 2 were generally pretty awesome, Stage 3 was mixed, and Stages 4 & 5 were exceptionally tough. Stage 6 was freaking brutal, too, but somehow it all completely wrapped itself up really, realy nicely only in the last 2-3 days.

My 2nd run, I grew so tired and out of control that I actually quit the sub midway of Stage 6. I had about a week left to run to finish it, and it left me really ***** up and unbalanced, even still, now, to this day (I think). Props on making it this far on a really brutal and challenging program. You might not feel any positives until only the very, very, very last day or two of the final stage, but I can assure you once that wrap-up phase hit for me it felt really, really good.

And here I was thinking stage 6 would be smooth sailing haha. It's definitely been a tough journey. The hardest part has been remaining productive in what seems like the eye of the storm. But good to know it does wrap it all up in the final days. I'll have to see what stage 6 is like. Stage 4 I think was the roughest for me. It started out ok, but it was like the longer I ran it the worse everything got.

[mat422]

So it turns out the music production opportunity I thought I had was a bust. The guy was entirely focused on the business aspect of it, and while I probably could learn something from it, I'm not trying to go down that road with business. Too many cutthroat, spiteful, egotistical people and I want none of that. People like that just ruin music. Maybe if the guy was higher up I'd keep going with it, but he's just small time trying to make it in an industry that's already established and well dominated by talented producers, pop music.

Kinda bummed out. I thought this was a step in the right direction. But my time is valuable, I can't waste it chasing dead ends. Nowadays I usually go with my gut and intuition and they both said to look for something better and skip this one over.

If nothing else the lesson I learned from the experience was to keep my integrity with my music and not be afraid to create what I want, not what the masses want. If that means keeping my music as

[mat422]

Now I'm officially on stage 6 of alpha. Lately I've been noticing I make my own decisions more without feeling the need to get validation from others. This is actually a huge step for me for two reasons. One, I'm trusting my intuition more and it's growing stronger. Two, I no longer feel guilty when I trust that intuition over the advice of others. One thing I've learned is a lot of the time people present the world to you through their belief system. If you aren't strong enough or confident enough to say "no that's YOUR belief system, not mine" it rubs off on you and you slowly internalize it. There's a lot of crap I've internalized over the years that's made me feel this sort of panicked feeling, like I need to do the right thing instead of just doing what I want.

Also taking on less responsibility at work when it's not my fault. Like the other night nobody was in the store to clean it up during the day. So my manager tells me we need to get this store really clean. Normally I'd be all nervous and anxious to get it done, burn myself out, feel like crap. But last night I was like screw this, I'm going to work at a healthy pace and if enough stuff doesn't get done it's not my fault. I'm not here to pick up the slack because we don't have enough workers. That's this store's problem, not mine. I'm looking out for myself from now on. I'm not even angry anymore about it. I just stopped putting ridiculous demands on myself and worrying about getting fired if I don't do a good enough job. This is the kind of crap that eats away at you if it goes unchecked. I feel like AM6 is definitely helping me detach from these unhealthy stressors.

[mat422]

I kind of thought I was on the right path this month. I had the music making opportunity, thought I'd learn more, get an in somewhere. I had assumed that this opportunity was a manifestation I've been working on. In reality transurfing the author talks about doors. You have to be careful not to push yourself through the wrong door because of what you should do. If you do that you'll be miserable and miss the true opportunity. So now that I think about it, maybe it wasn't the job itself but it was supposed to be the people I met. I don't know, sometimes the way things unfold are weird. Not how you'd expect them to at all.

Having said that, my part time job is going to shit. I hate corporations. We need more people at my job to actually get shit done. But corporate only gives so many hours the managers can use. Then they expect the world from you for such a meager pay, it's a real slap in the fucking face. The other day they offered me an assistant manager position because I'm so important there. But I'm not taking it, more headaches, pretty much non-existent pay bump, and having to deal with even more of corporate's shit. On top of that I have to placate the terrible customers that frequent the store. I'm not a grumpy you all suck type of person, but lets be honest here there are some real assholes that come to retail stores for the power trip of having someone serve them.

I've pretty much stopped caring about coming across as entitled. I had a lot of guilt and shame surrounding wanting better things for myself. But I don't care anymore. If I come across as entitled I don't care, as long as I get what I want. Not gonna let people make me feel guilty or ashamed for wanting better things out of my life than the typical bullshit people deal with everyday.

[mat422]

I'm not done with AM6 yet, but there were some points where I shut down or closed off during the process. It's like a threshold and once I cross it I'm not going to benefit. That's why I think E2 will do me some good after I'm done with this. It's tempting to think that I can just psyche myself up and bulldoze through AM6, but I've learned not everyone is the same and not everyone has the same threshold for what they can tolerate. Consciously I told myself one thing, but subconsciously I had different feelings. It's kind of funny how in control I assume myself to be at times when really it's the subconscious running the show.

I guess what I'm saying is, it's important to recognize that the mind is still very much undiscovered territory. We don't really know all about it and how it works and what works. If we did, people would be a lot happier than they are. I guess for me my core issue has always been fear and being too afraid to make changes even if they are good for me. And I tell myself over and over how it's good or there is nothing to fear and it just doesn't reach my subconscious all that well. I'm just a little sick of fighting this battle because it only takes one day of being a little weak for things to crumble a bit and give in to the fear. It's like I have to be incredibly aware of all my self sabotaging and destructive behavior and it's tiring.

I don't know, maybe it's wishful thinking but I wish my life was smoother. Like an upward progression of growth instead of this crazy up and down rollercoaster.

[mat422]

Driving around the other day I had some stuff that was on my mind. So I'm just gonna dump it all here.

I sort of follow the teachings of the law of attraction. But I've realized a lot of the books I read were written with control in mind. A very human thing, to want to control everything. Anyway I was driving around in a really dense area and as usual people were driving like assholes. I was just really irritated. Then I thought of the law of attraction and I thought if I focused on shitty drivers I'd just get more shitty drivers in my life. But that completely misses the point that some things are just the way they are. Which made me realize why I've been resisting a lot of the alpha programming. I want to believe in my heart that most people are good natured and compassionate, caring for others. I always give people the benefit of the doubt. Which makes me a target a lot of the time for manipulators. I'd rather live in some delusional world than face the harsh truths of the world to be honest. But I think AM6 has been challenging that delusion a lot and trying to get me to see that the world can be rough and I have to be strong enough to survive in it.

But it deeply saddens me. I have this inner vision of what the world could be and external reality rarely lives up to it. Refusing to accept the reality of things is what's been causing me problems. Holding this inner idealized version of the world, not being able to live in it, and then blaming myself for not thinking right or doing whatever else is what has caused me so much pain. In a way I hold all the burdens of how people act and behave on my shoulders it feels like. Like I'm supposed to do something to change it or figure out why they do the things they do and help them be a better person.

[mat422]

Alright so I never talk about my dreams, but I had 3 that were pretty memorable. Also stage 6 has been anything but smooth for me, A LOT of stuff coming up.

First dream, well the memorable part anyway. I'm in this dimly lit tank of murky water. I'm swimming around the visible part. But there's a darker part where I can't see. And I hear a voice telling me to go into the depths. But it's terrifying. Like you know the darkest parts of the ocean where you have no idea what lives there? That kind of stuff. All I can tell is I feel trapped and suffocating in this dimly lit part and want out. But I'm too afraid to go deeper. I mean the meaning is pretty damn obvious. That dimly lit part is my comfort zone and the dark depths is the unknown, the parts I have to face to make my life better. The thing is in this dream it's not like the dark depths was a guaranteed way out, I couldn't see what was on the other side. Normally this is what I feel every day, but consciously I tell myself there are better things out there and I have to push myself. But this dream captured the really raw fear in my subconscious. The part I constantly try to override with my conscious mind in day to day life.

Second dream. Weird one, but whatever. Water again, no idea what the water theme is here. But it was like a really large pool. Everyone is hanging out having a good time. I try to join them, but don't fit in. Say screw it, swim to the edge of the pool and get out. Just completely alone. Then I see some girl and she tells me I'm a terrible person. Don't get angry at her. Just start saying I know I'm a fuck up, everything I try ends in failure, I don't expect people to like me, I've never fit in, and if I'm cold and detached from people it's because I don't know how to connect. All said pretty much with tears in my eyes. She gets more understanding and apologizes to me, gives me a hug.

With this dream, I don't know. I think there are parts of me I don't acknowledge. Parts I try to keep hidden because I don't want to seem like I'm wallowing in self pity. Like I think I'm more emotionally healed than I actually am, I convince myself that these deep wounds don't effect me or I've somehow transcended them but they just lurk beneath the surface outside of my conscious awareness. It's like at one point I split off into two separate halves. This really emotionally hurt person, my core self, split off into this side of me that's productive and gets stuff done but is a shell of a person. Autonomous, but not really embodying a part of myself. I don't think I'm broken as a person anymore. But I do think there's a part of me that's never healed or grown. And some people may say I'm overthinking all this. But what I've learned is people are complex. Some people have easy lives, things line up for them, and life is all about just doing what they want. But my entire life I've had to figure out how to navigate the labyrinth of my mind because I was given challenges that it seemed like nobody else around me faced. Where all of it came from, I have no clue.

Last dream. Aliens. I was running around a house with someone else. Then the aliens would put stuff outside. Like my dog that wanted to get in or another person. But I'd watch through the glass and feel like it was a trap. The other person was telling me we need to go out there. And I told him no. They create these illusions to lure you out and you have to check inside first to make sure it's not a duplicate. I think this was my brains interpretation of the subliminal trying to bypass resistance. Coming up with clever tactics, but my mind still perceives it as a threat and doesn't fall for them. I don't believe the aliens were hostile in my dream. But it was mixed emotions. A part of me felt like they could help me, but another part of me was fearful that the helpful demeanor was a trick to lull me in to a false sense of security and do whatever they wanted with me.

So that was a lot of emotionally heavy stuff. To be honest I don't know anymore where I stand with all this. I thought I knew, but clearly I don't. I've got some issues and not saying that in a negative way or putting myself down, just stating very clearly that there's stuff that influences me day to day that I'm probably not even consciously aware of and just accepted as part of life.

[mat422]

Yeah so it feels like I'm really starting to notice the changes from AM6 now and I'm cooperating more with the program. I guess a lot of fear was removed. I don't know how to describe it, it just feels like a block is gone and I'm executing the script. There's no more of that feeling of being afraid to make the changes for fear of something bad happening. I can't tell if it's because stage 6 is lighter or I've made a lot of growth and I'm not resisting the subliminal as much because I got rid of a lot of unnecessary fear. I'm hoping it's growth and from now on I don't have that knee jerk fear reaction that immediately resists any sort of change.

I've seen a lot of change in my overall mentality. Fear isn't dictating my choices as much. I'm not thinking about "safe" routes in life, I'm thinking about fulfilling ones away from any kind of bullshit. It's a big step in the right direction. The only thing missing now is a plan of action. It feels like even though I have made growth, I still have a bad habit of shying away from things that push my comfort zone instead of embracing them.

Debating if I want to run DMSI after this or just go another round with AM6. Right now I feel like I'm smoothly accepting the programming. But like I said I don't know if that's a permanent change or a result of stage 6 not being as heavy as others so I'm just naturally resisting less. Leaning towards DMSI, seems like it would be fun and I need more fun in my life. Plus the healing is closer to E3 and I loved E2. Hands down my favorite sub, so I think I'm going to jump on the DMSI bandwagon

[kalmah0804]

I would highly recommend polishing this run off with 32 days of the refresher stage. It's only 32 days, definitely can't hurt, and as someone who ran right to E2/DMSI after finishing my 2nd run-through of Am6, I can definitely tell you that I wish I had spent those extra 32 days trying to even out any leftover fears/insecurities/flaws I still had from my AM6 runs.

[mat422]

I would highly recommend polishing this run off with 32 days of the refresher stage. It's only 32 days, definitely can't hurt, and as someone who ran right to E2/DMSI after finishing my 2nd run-through of Am6, I can definitely tell you that I wish I had spent those extra 32 days trying to even out any leftover fears/insecurities/flaws I still had from my AM6 runs.

Isn't that what stage 6 is doing? I thought the refresher stage was meant for after a few months. Either way I'm not jumping right into DMSI. Going to give my brain some time to process AM6. I have a strong feeling that after I'm done with it I'll start executing the script more and I don't want any subs to interfere with that.

[Frosted]

Stage 7 is a refresher but it's also like cruising after the stages. Also you can use it to grow after you've ran the stages a few times.