SargeMaximus: Blooming to Alpha

[SargeMaximus]

Heh, the title seems gay to me. :o

But I thought it fit since I'm in DMSI bloom and I'm using AM.

A few notables so far:

- Had a wet dream last night. I was f*cking that russian girl from Denny's. My boss was there (who is also russian). I'm not sure if he was participating or just watching. Anyhow, while f*cking the girl I began to get worried she just wanted sex with me to get pregnant. I came inside her and was panicked, but when I pulled out I was wearing a condom, so I got relieved. But then some of the cum dripped out the back and onto the carpet. So I told my boss to hold her hands down while I cleaned up.

- Went to do sales this morning and couldn't justify it. I feel like I'm doing something very wrong which is rediculous, but that's how I feel.

- On the way home I went out to approach girls but couldn't. My confidence is gone.

- Driving, a cop car began following me. I lost him when I turned at a yellow light but he didn't. This is a common thing for me on AM. I can remember police always being around. I didn't think AM would kick in so fast, maybe it's just coincidence.

[SargeMaximus]

Went to the gym today because I only did 3/4 of my workouts last week.

The energy was completely different in there. Very fresh, alive, bustling, and electric.

The woman at the front who took my keys said "I LOVE your superman thing. I have one just like it, but it's pink." I said "Thank you!" and she laughed. I then added "You'll have to show me sometime."

No idea if that was a good thing to say or not but meh.

Then there was a hot blonde working out. I stared at her butt as she did squats and I'm sure she saw me. Then she came over to work out near me but it was weird because it was like "oh man, I have to be social with her now" and I shut down. Lost my desire and she ended up crossing her arms. Very interesting.

I swear being social kills any edge or magnetism I have.

[SargeMaximus]

I fully assume this is all placebo, however, definitely feeling some different feelings today. Better, more pure and empowering.

[Raykon]

Are you using AM now? refresher stage or stage 1?

[SargeMaximus]

Yeah refresher. I'll give it a few weeks. If externals improve, I'll run AM 6 from stage 1 again. If not, I'll go back on DMSI.

This is mostly just to shake things up and (hopefully) improve my sales performance which has been shit ever since I started DMSI.

ION, went out to approach girls tonight.
I went out later than I wanted to so I didn't really come across many girls. There were 2 that I considered:

- First girl was a skinny asian milf. Very cute, good style. She was looking at some baked goods in walmart. So I went to the shelf, and started looking at what was there with the intent of performing the "hover". Well, she left almost immediately. I thought she may come back and so I stuck around, but no.

- The second girl was VERY hot. Like 8/10. Unfortunately, she was browsing the "baby food" section so I decided not to even attempt a hover with her. I don't want to go after married women (till I'm good) or women with kids/babies.

So yeah, that was that.

Aside from that, my anxiety was pretty high with that 8/10 girl. The thought of hovering near her was very aggravating.

[SargeMaximus]

I'm really noticing other people's quirks/idiosyncracies these days.

I was watching a movie with my brother yesterday and he would laugh hysterically at parts I didn't think were funny. I was thinking "He's never been like this before". Same when I hung out with my cousin. It's like I'm not on the same page as people anymore but I used to be (or thought I was).

No idea if this is a good or bad thing.

Also, this morning as I was getting ready in the bathroom, I noticed how terrible my body looked. For a moment I thought I was sickly, like a starving POW. It was crazy. The lack of DMSI's reality shifting? Who knows. But then afterward I thought I looked ok. It was a real shock tho.

I'm getting more and more nervous about sales. I guess that's a good sign. I've often done well when I was nervous. We'll see how today goes.

Lastly, been having long and in-depth dreams. I won't go into details however.

[DarkPlouf]

Also, this morning as I was getting ready in the bathroom, I noticed how terrible my body looked. For a moment I thought I was sickly, like a starving POW. It was crazy. The lack of DMSI's reality shifting? Who knows. But then afterward I thought I looked ok. It was a real shock tho.

Happens to me all the time. Sometimes I looks like 5. Sometimes 7...
Sometimes I feel like bipolar so much that my mood and/or beliefs about myself swing very frequently.

[SargeMaximus]

Also, this morning as I was getting ready in the bathroom, I noticed how terrible my body looked. For a moment I thought I was sickly, like a starving POW. It was crazy. The lack of DMSI's reality shifting? Who knows. But then afterward I thought I looked ok. It was a real shock tho.

Happens to me all the time. Sometimes I looks like 5. Sometimes 7...
Sometimes I feel like bipolar so much that my mood and/or beliefs about myself swing very frequently.

Crazy man. Yeah it's definitely hard on the ol' psyche.

Motivates me to hit the gym more intelligently tho, so I can remove all doubt.

ION approached a solid 8/10 today. Perfect approach but she gave me a very creative version of "I have a boyfriend". It didn't go anywhere.

[SargeMaximus]

Had more crazy and long/vivid dreams.

E.T. is back. For those of you who don't know, I was deathly afraid of E.T. from around my 5th year alive to 25 years old.

I overcame the fear by making myself watch the movie under the same conditions as when I first watched it, effectively bringing up all the fear that had been associated to the character/movie. I felt like I was going to die of a hearty attack but kept watching, telling myself it would be better to die facing my fear than live in terror.

Since then my fear is gone, and when I watch the movie, the parts that used to scare me, send endorphins through my body. It's quite the experience.

So anyhow, that's the backstory.

The dream I had last night was about showing me different versions of E.T. I think they were supposedly getting more scary as the dream went on, but I never felt fear, nor did I wake up in terror like I used to before I conquered the fear.

The next stage of this I suppose is tio find out WHY I was afraid of it, and what it means for me psychologically.

Other than that, it's Halloween so I won't be knocking doors for obvious reasons.

[Shawn]

Other than that, it's Halloween so I won't be knocking doors for obvious reasons.

Haha, you could try the "trick or treat" approach.

[SargeMaximus]

Lol, I actually tried that a while ago. I said "Trick or treat" and the woman was like "I think I'd prefer a trick" lol. Maybe it's a good ice breaker, I dunno.

It's raining today tho so no D2D anyways.

ION, one of my leads got sold. It was a small one but it's better than nothing. I definitely feel like I'm losing standing in the company because of my lack of numbers, which is valid, but their lack of selling is also an issue. The whole thing is just f*cked up. The only thing I can do is try to be the best I can be. Regardless, tomorrow I'm looking for another job so that I have one for when my contract expires.

[Benjamin]

Also you have to dress up as something for more sales!

[SargeMaximus]

Also you have to dress up as something for more sales!

True. Maybe I could dress up as a con man. XD

[Benjamin]

Hahaha