S Magnet 3

[Life]

Looking forward to your stage 7

[eternity]

Looking forward to your stage 7

i probably won't run stage 7.

as of now, my plan of action at this moment is finish stage 6, then:

OGSF 5G for 96 days
AM6 full run through
SM3 second run through

[Life]

I'll let you know how it goes then

[eternity]

stage 6 day 12

i hit another road block of negativity. i don't really remember feeling this in stage 4 or 5, but there's a general disconnect I feel, perhaps with the last bit of programming trying to sink in.

reading what catman wrote on ben's journal helped me identify what's going through my head in a more concrete manner.

perhaps deep down i feel like i don't deserve sex. maybe it's connected with the death of my unborn child in 2010 that scarred me to the point where i'm afraid that having sex will result in risking the loss of another potential child. i've come to the conclusion that any guilt/shame/fear and emotional damage preventing me from moving forward sexually is directly due to these issues.

i also feel just so far removed from those around me. i share a room with this 31 year old dude who's "hard as f***", and 2 of the other guys I live with are also ex gang bangers, and even though these guys are GREAT friends of mine, I've been feeling so DISTANT from them, because of how different I am than them. It's creating a division between us that is unnatural, because I've known and loved these guys for at least the past 11 months. And I know for FACT they don't view the fact that we have vastly different pasts as any reason to be a form of division between us.

It all started when two weeks ago, the 3 of them sat me down and "warned me" about the black girl that I've mentioned in my previous posts. they said "be wary of her motives" and "she's not a very honest person", etc.... Then last night, they busted my balls about spending so much time with her, in a JOKING and LOVING way... but man, all it did was made me feel even more different than them. These guys have "99 problems but a bi*** ain't one", they can pull women more effectively than flowers pull bees toward them. So all of this adds to the "shame" of having had a 5 year long dry spell, when these guys feel shame for having a week long dry spell.... The way they talk to women is also a lot smoother than mine. So MAN I have literally CREATED this disconnect in my own mind, and convinced myself a whole world of this bullsh** is true when it's not.

But what's going on in my mind is what it is, and my thinking is intoxicated by what I know to be "true" based on the past. So I guess there's some shit to deal with regarding the past.


This post has been more of a venting session than anything else, lol.


*** I might run EHPRA instead of OGSF after this, lmao. oh the timing of a song lyric that I heard as I was about to hit the "post reply" button that I should consider as SAGE advice

There is no hope in misery

[JackOfHearts]

Resistance it seems, remember that all this is not true. Its the way you see things in that moment, it can change in a minute.
Think logically when you are facing that kind of shit.

[eternity]

stage 6 day 12

i hit another road block of negativity. i don't really remember feeling this in stage 4 or 5, but there's a general disconnect I feel, perhaps with the last bit of programming trying to sink in.

reading what catman wrote on ben's journal helped me identify what's going through my head in a more concrete manner.

perhaps deep down i feel like i don't deserve sex. maybe it's connected with the death of my unborn child in 2010 that scarred me to the point where i'm afraid that having sex will result in risking the loss of another potential child. i've come to the conclusion that any guilt/shame/fear and emotional damage preventing me from moving forward sexually is directly due to these issues.

i also feel just so far removed from those around me. i share a room with this 31 year old dude who's "hard as f***", and 2 of the other guys I live with are also ex gang bangers, and even though these guys are GREAT friends of mine, I've been feeling so DISTANT from them, because of how different I am than them. It's creating a division between us that is unnatural, because I've known and loved these guys for at least the past 11 months. And I know for FACT they don't view the fact that we have vastly different pasts as any reason to be a form of division between us.

It all started when two weeks ago, the 3 of them sat me down and "warned me" about the black girl that I've mentioned in my previous posts. they said "be wary of her motives" and "she's not a very honest person", etc.... Then last night, they busted my balls about spending so much time with her, in a JOKING and LOVING way... but man, all it did was made me feel even more different than them. These guys have "99 problems but a bi*** ain't one", they can pull women more effectively than flowers pull bees toward them. So all of this adds to the "shame" of having had a 5 year long dry spell, when these guys feel shame for having a week long dry spell.... The way they talk to women is also a lot smoother than mine. So MAN I have literally CREATED this disconnect in my own mind, and convinced myself a whole world of this bullsh** is true when it's not.

But what's going on in my mind is what it is, and my thinking is intoxicated by what I know to be "true" based on the past. So I guess there's some shit to deal with regarding the past.


This post has been more of a venting session than anything else, lol.


*** I might run EHPRA instead of OGSF after this, lmao. oh the timing of a song lyric that I heard as I was about to hit the "post reply" button that I should consider as SAGE advice

There is no hope in misery

it's hilarious looking back at all this bull**** going through my mind just a couple days ago, but in the end none of it really matters because last night I had sex. ^_^

mission accomplished. (said in the voice of fox mccloud : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddmLW3hUIzA )

edit: oh & to make matters more interesting, she said i was "the talk of the town" a few months ago, her and 3 other girls all had the hots for me, but i'm so freaking oblivious and awkward that i had no idea. lol.

the only problem is that the sex came with a whole host of emotional baggage that i damn well could do without. It's really heavy on my heart, and now I'm convinced I'm an empath, who feels others' pain as my own

[Life]

Woooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! Which chick was it? You're an epic mf'er losing it at the end of program and year. What's next bud?

[eternity]

Woooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! Which chick was it? You're an epic mf'er losing it at the end of program and year. What's next bud?

from post # 15 in this journal, the girl I described here:

stage 1 day 28

There's another older white lady who's probably in her mid 40's who seems super into me :O. always hitting me up to help look at her phone or computer, and how she's gonna bribe me with a sandwich. She's great looking with a great body! She would have been a perfect 10 in her younger years, and it's awesome to get such attention from her! I still consider her a perfect 10, and the net result = could and would bang if possible.
****
I'm still thinking OGSF5G or EPHRA 2.0 whenever they come out. She tells me "you think too much" & "you care too much about what other people think".

she did help me squash some negative self limiting beliefs, such as worrying about my dick size and performance capabilities. i made her cum 5 times and we had sex 3 times ^_^ she also said I'm surprisingly bigger than she expected, considering my body and build size.

but i still think OGSF or EHPRA is necessary, however. and then after that, AM6!

[Light]

This is the perfect new years present man. I mhappy for u eternity

[Life]

I'm very happy for you

[dissonance]

YO FUCK YES MAN!!!!!

How'd you meet her by the way?

[CatMan]

My god...

What a journal entry.

Finally, SOMEBODY had sex thanks to SM3. Great job.

I'll be honest, I'm pretty jealous...but still happy for your success and wish more for you in the future.

*slow clap*

[eternity]

YO **** YES MAN!!!!!

How'd you meet her by the way?

she lived in the sober living community i am at/work at.

[Darkness]

If your an empath, dude, SM WILL make borderline psychic as a side effect .
I'm not psychic but dude I felt same thing as you and at first I thought it was my subconscious trauma until I left the person and I wasn't feeling it anymore