01-15-2018, 10:12 PM
I think I have a messed up definition of drive. Been trying for months and months to activate and cultivate my natural drive to get my shit together, move forward and create a fulfilling vision to pursue.
Well f*ck me, I think I am mistaking an inner urge to do something for being drive. I am not sure those two are the same. If they aren't the same, then I have no clue what it actually is.
Another thing. I believe life to be utterly meaningless. It is interesting and astonishingly complex and beautiful and full of wonder and awe. But I think individual life is without meaning. Some people leave a legacy behind, some invention, some thought construct, whatever. Other people, in fact most people just live and vanish without a trace. There is no difference between those people, at least from their point of view. If I die a wealthy man or look back on an accomplished carreer or die after a mediocre life full of average or a homeless beggar makes no difference. The difference is only the one the living place on it. Doesn't matter to the dead.
I could elaborate for pages and pages, but this is the gist of it. This believe is obviously flawed from many points of view. Why do I live vegan if life doesn't matter? Why am I polite, understanding and friendly when it is just something meaningless? Why do I want to advance and enhance myself if everything is just some puddle of nothing? Fear of poor health? Fear of social ridicule and fear of getting hurt if I upset people? Fear of social descent and crash?
Suppose I am riddled with fear. Why is there no trace of me adressing those fears? After years of using subs with OGSF, H&C and whatnot?
A construct of intertwined and self-reinforcing 'toxic' believe systems?
Or is it something completely different? Something so very simple that it defies every approach to change it? Like ... it is just comfortable and convenient. Well, one could always argue that this is still based in fear. But suppose it is not. Suppose such believes exist without fear. Being rooted separately in laziness. Why invest energy in change if the outcome doesn't matter any way?
Time to get some sleep.
Well f*ck me, I think I am mistaking an inner urge to do something for being drive. I am not sure those two are the same. If they aren't the same, then I have no clue what it actually is.
Another thing. I believe life to be utterly meaningless. It is interesting and astonishingly complex and beautiful and full of wonder and awe. But I think individual life is without meaning. Some people leave a legacy behind, some invention, some thought construct, whatever. Other people, in fact most people just live and vanish without a trace. There is no difference between those people, at least from their point of view. If I die a wealthy man or look back on an accomplished carreer or die after a mediocre life full of average or a homeless beggar makes no difference. The difference is only the one the living place on it. Doesn't matter to the dead.
I could elaborate for pages and pages, but this is the gist of it. This believe is obviously flawed from many points of view. Why do I live vegan if life doesn't matter? Why am I polite, understanding and friendly when it is just something meaningless? Why do I want to advance and enhance myself if everything is just some puddle of nothing? Fear of poor health? Fear of social ridicule and fear of getting hurt if I upset people? Fear of social descent and crash?
Suppose I am riddled with fear. Why is there no trace of me adressing those fears? After years of using subs with OGSF, H&C and whatnot?
A construct of intertwined and self-reinforcing 'toxic' believe systems?
Or is it something completely different? Something so very simple that it defies every approach to change it? Like ... it is just comfortable and convenient. Well, one could always argue that this is still based in fear. But suppose it is not. Suppose such believes exist without fear. Being rooted separately in laziness. Why invest energy in change if the outcome doesn't matter any way?
Time to get some sleep.
_ - Third Stone From The Sun - _
