04-10-2014, 12:47 PM
Round and round I go. I feel like I never really get to the bottom of the reason why I am the way I am. So I've established that yes, the anxiety is a problem. But it's a symptom of a much larger problem. I've realized that if I don't get this problem under control then my life is nothing more than a series of highly traumatizing events.
At first I thought fear of failure was at the heart of things. But it goes deeper. It's part of it, but fear of failure is what causes the procrastination and the stuck feeling. At the bottom of things I think it all comes back to shame. For whatever reason I have great shame tied to myself. At first I thought this idea was crazy, but the more I looked into myself I realized that I was ashamed of being a human being with emotions. Which is unhealthy on so many levels because we are emotional creatures.
It made me realize that it's not the actions of others that hurt me or being rejected. It's not them, it's me and how it echos that part inside of me that still feels I should be ashamed of who I am. I'm not saying that emotions like sadness won't be there from being hurt, but it becomes an emotion that I experience instead of reminding myself of being ashamed of myself.
My perfectionist traits were a constant attempt at avoiding the deep feelings of shame. So I kept building myself up, or attempting to, in order to become immune to the shame. But obviously that didn't work and caused serious issues.
And don't get me wrong, this isn't about accepting myself for who I am and not working on improving myself. Like so many people out there do. It's about returning to a healthy state of mind where improvements can actually be made. There's a certain foundation you have to have before you can even think of building.
I guess the subliminal kind of bubbled up to my conscious mind and this is what my subconscious revealed to me. Just becoming aware of it was cathartic, but I'm not sure if I've completely healed that shame yet. But now that I'm aware of it I feel like all those negative feelings and thoughts I'd get stuck in are easier to dismiss because they were a symptom and not the cause.
It all makes sense why I never took to the AM subs that well. I utilized them as a type of protective armor instead of improving myself. I might still have some trouble looking at improvements I need to make without completely disowning where I am right now.
At first I thought fear of failure was at the heart of things. But it goes deeper. It's part of it, but fear of failure is what causes the procrastination and the stuck feeling. At the bottom of things I think it all comes back to shame. For whatever reason I have great shame tied to myself. At first I thought this idea was crazy, but the more I looked into myself I realized that I was ashamed of being a human being with emotions. Which is unhealthy on so many levels because we are emotional creatures.
It made me realize that it's not the actions of others that hurt me or being rejected. It's not them, it's me and how it echos that part inside of me that still feels I should be ashamed of who I am. I'm not saying that emotions like sadness won't be there from being hurt, but it becomes an emotion that I experience instead of reminding myself of being ashamed of myself.
My perfectionist traits were a constant attempt at avoiding the deep feelings of shame. So I kept building myself up, or attempting to, in order to become immune to the shame. But obviously that didn't work and caused serious issues.
And don't get me wrong, this isn't about accepting myself for who I am and not working on improving myself. Like so many people out there do. It's about returning to a healthy state of mind where improvements can actually be made. There's a certain foundation you have to have before you can even think of building.
I guess the subliminal kind of bubbled up to my conscious mind and this is what my subconscious revealed to me. Just becoming aware of it was cathartic, but I'm not sure if I've completely healed that shame yet. But now that I'm aware of it I feel like all those negative feelings and thoughts I'd get stuck in are easier to dismiss because they were a symptom and not the cause.
It all makes sense why I never took to the AM subs that well. I utilized them as a type of protective armor instead of improving myself. I might still have some trouble looking at improvements I need to make without completely disowning where I am right now.
