Revisiting guilt, shame, and fear

[Geodude]

"This sub has definitely been putting me through hell."

lol. I totally understand. I'm in the same boat.

[mat422]

Ah, so yesterday I got a migraine that followed me into today. It was definitely stress. I think while I was making that post yesterday I was getting excited about being able to let go of some stuff and I took it too far. So I started stuffing emotions down again when they popped up thinking I was moving past them. This has been a recurring problem with my emotions. Moving past stuff vs thinking I've moved past stuff.

There really is no simple answer. I want there to be, but I know I just have to keep moving forward at my own pace and do what's right for me.

[SargeMaximus]

The simple answer is to comprehend your subconscious. Think of it this way, out of all the billions of things your subconscious is working on, you're focusing on one thing. There's no way that it can be "all about" that one thing.

It's this focus that is maintaining the state you speak of.

[mat422]

The simple answer is to comprehend your subconscious. Think of it this way, out of all the billions of things your subconscious is working on, you're focusing on one thing. There's no way that it can be "all about" that one thing.

It's this focus that is maintaining the state you speak of.

True. I guess it's the most readily apparent thing to me at this point. What exactly do you mean by comprehend though? Analyze my subconscious? I've found that the answers aren't always able to be put into a thought or conscious interpretation. Sometimes issues are resolved at a more emotional level which is a completely different skill compared to logically analyzing an emotional response.

[SargeMaximus]

No. I simply mean comprehend how vast it is. How many things is it doing that you aren't aware of? Every little bit of body language, every little thought, every bodily function that is automated, and on and on.

Realize how vast it is compared to you (the consciousness) and try to trust that it knows what it's doing.

Ride it like a wave, instead of trying to move it like a mountain.

Hope that makes sense.

Sometimes it's hard to accept, but we (as a consciousness) are very small. It is my belief that the entire point of consciousness is to simply be a witness to the infinite power of our subconscious minds.

We set a course, but in the end, we're just along for the ride.

[mat422]

No. I simply mean comprehend how vast it is. How many things is it doing that you aren't aware of? Every little bit of body language, every little thought, every bodily function that is automated, and on and on.

Realize how vast it is compared to you (the consciousness) and try to trust that it knows what it's doing.

Ride it like a wave, instead of trying to move it like a mountain.

Hope that makes sense.

Sometimes it's hard to accept, but we (as a consciousness) are very small. It is my belief that the entire point of consciousness is to simply be a witness to the infinite power of our subconscious minds.

We set a course, but in the end, we're just along for the ride.

Yeah that makes a lot of sense. That's actually what I've been trying to internalize these past few days. Just going with it, essentially letting go of that resistance and to stop trying to control so much. I think when I was growing up I had a tendency to try to overpower my subconscious with my conscious mind and the habit has kind of stuck. So now I have to unlearn that behavior because it only served as a band aid solution.

[mat422]

So I think I've been in denial kind of. This actually came as a realization to me the other day when I sliced my finger open after a glass bowl shattered in my hand. Nothing like looking at your bone through a cut to remind you of your mortality.

Anyway, I realized not everything is mental. The subconscious mind, while powerful, is not going to make up for some deficiencies in one's body. On top of that, resistance may be worse because of that deficiency. Essentially physical issues in the body complicate mental issues way more. So I have to start really researching possible physical reasons for the way I feel.

But the problem is everywhere I look it's all unreliable information. One person says sugar is the cause of everything. Another says food intolerance. Another says genetics. Another says fungi. Another electromagnetic radiation. I don't know what it is with humans and their desire to pin one thing as the cause of all suffering. I have a bad habit of doing it as well. But it makes things incredibly complicated. At times I'm left wondering, if stuff like diet is so important to mental health, how come some people eat junk and are still happy and well adjusted? No matter how many times someone tries to make a health rule, there's someone out there breaking it and they are fine. Sometimes I think hypochondria is on the rise and people are manifesting their symptoms purely through their own minds.

Maybe I don't have anything physically wrong with me and it is all mental. Then again, how would I know? That's what kills me, I don't know. I feel like I've had this lifelong problem and I can't find a solution to it. It's just a shotgun approach along with a lot of guessing, and it's so tiring. The technology and tools just aren't there yet and I wish they were. I pretty much battle every day with the question, "Am I just making excuses and not stepping up to the plate? Or am I dealing with something very hard and I'm not giving myself the understanding I need?"

[SargeMaximus]

Maybe it's not a problem? Maybe it's just the way you are, and once you stop trying to kill it, it'll stop fighting you for it's survival and you [might] find peace.

For example: Today I had anxiety crippling me. I had 4 nose bleeds, felt like I was going to have a heart attack/stroke at one point, and even got light-headed. Were I not so accustomed to anxiety, I would have gone to the hospital or stayed at home (as I've done before, and nothing's wrong with me btw).

Instead?

I accepted it and went out to do what I wanted today. It's little things like that that tells yourself you accept it fully. You can't tell your hand you won't walk till it's a foot. Accept it all, learn to live WITH yourself, not against yourself.

You're not broken, so don't try to fix it. Just... understand, accept, and keep moving.

[mat422]

Maybe it's not a problem? Maybe it's just the way you are, and once you stop trying to kill it, it'll stop fighting you for it's survival and you [might] find peace.

For example: Today I had anxiety crippling me. I had 4 nose bleeds, felt like I was going to have a heart attack/stroke at one point, and even got light-headed. Were I not so accustomed to anxiety, I would have gone to the hospital or stayed at home (as I've done before, and nothing's wrong with me btw).

Instead?

I accepted it and went out to do what I wanted today. It's little things like that that tells yourself you accept it fully. You can't tell your hand you won't walk till it's a foot. Accept it all, learn to live WITH yourself, not against yourself.

You're not broken, so don't try to fix it. Just... understand, accept, and keep moving.

I get what you're saying. Nobody solved anything sitting around wishing they were different.

I think there's definitely stuff I have to fix though. I can't deny that. And being honest with myself feels better than telling myself I'm ok.

Maybe I'm misunderstanding you. But my past experience with being more accepting of stuff and not seeing myself as broken caused my issues to weave themselves into my personality. Instead I'm accepting of being messed up because at least then I know what has to change.

[SargeMaximus]

I get what you're saying. Nobody solved anything sitting around wishing they were different.

I think there's definitely stuff I have to fix though. I can't deny that. And being honest with myself feels better than telling myself I'm ok.

Maybe I'm misunderstanding you. But my past experience with being more accepting of stuff and not seeing myself as broken caused my issues to weave themselves into my personality. Instead I'm accepting of being messed up because at least then I know what has to change.

It depends on what it is I'd say.

If you're trying to fix the fact that you like watching Sponge Bob, you're too far in the wrong direction. If you're trying to find out why you always freak out around certain people, you're on the right track.

What exactly is it that you think is wrong?

[mat422]

I get what you're saying. Nobody solved anything sitting around wishing they were different.

I think there's definitely stuff I have to fix though. I can't deny that. And being honest with myself feels better than telling myself I'm ok.

Maybe I'm misunderstanding you. But my past experience with being more accepting of stuff and not seeing myself as broken caused my issues to weave themselves into my personality. Instead I'm accepting of being messed up because at least then I know what has to change.

It depends on what it is I'd say.

If you're trying to fix the fact that you like watching Sponge Bob, you're too far in the wrong direction. If you're trying to find out why you always freak out around certain people, you're on the right track.

What exactly is it that you think is wrong?

Lol, ok. I'm trying to tackle this piece by piece, but it gets overwhelming at times. Yesterday was a particularly bad day.

This is me in a nutshell, http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/avoid...-disorders

I've pretty much developed a mask that comes on when I'm around other people. It's just really tiring. I'm never really at ease, but I'll appear at ease. Most of what's going on underneath the surface is chaotic. In the past my main way of coping with this was being more aloof in a kind of I'll reject you before you reject me mentality.

Even though it's a personality disorder, I'm never settling for the idea that it's just who I am. But because it is somewhat tied in with my personality, it makes it that much harder to overcome. It's a lot of reinforced behavior and patterns that I need to break.

[SargeMaximus]

I'm not going to read the article because you are not a doctor (I don't think!) and therefore your analysis is most likely exaggerated.

Try to give me specific examples from your life without judgement. So, instead of saying "I bottle myself up when around people because I'm avoiding something"

Try to be more observant. WHAT are you doing? Do you stop talking when someone laughs? Do you get hot and feel like you're blushing when someone asks a question?

Objective observation is the only way to solve anything, imo.
By the way, how are your sessions going with your analyst?

[mat422]

I'm not going to read the article because you are not a doctor (I don't think!) and therefore your analysis is most likely exaggerated.

Try to give me specific examples from your life without judgement. So, instead of saying "I bottle myself up when around people because I'm avoiding something"

Try to be more observant. WHAT are you doing? Do you stop talking when someone laughs? Do you get hot and feel like you're blushing when someone asks a question?

Objective observation is the only way to solve anything, imo.
By the way, how are your sessions going with your analyst?

Fair enough. I've always had issues seeing my problems in an objective manner.

First of all the biggest issue is avoidance itself. I'll have a tendency to put off things if I don't push myself hard enough. It's like my default reaction is to avoid things that cause me anxiety. In my moments of weakness this becomes a problem because one slip up can start a chain reaction.

I'll notice in my interactions I'll have a tendency to be overly friendly. Which I only do because I don't want to come across as serious and angry. Either way it's the anxiety itself that drives my unwanted behavior. I'll also stutter at times, lose my train of thought, choke on my words, or have trouble focusing and kind of zone out to get away from the anxiety. I'll watch people's actions and words with hyper vigilance in a kind of defensive manner. I'm always "on", I can't relax, it's like I perceive people as a threat to me.

I don't know if any of that was really objective at all.

My sessions with my therapist have been good. But I could probably get a lot more out of it if I opened up more. My anxiety tends to prevent me from doing that and I'll hide stuff in a very knee jerk response. So it's taking a while for me to actually dig out some of the deeper stuff.

[SargeMaximus]

Don't worry, if she's good at what she does, she either already knows what your problems are, or she's starting to get an idea.

As for our little thing here, let's try this again:

When, in the last week, have you had an experience where you felt like you were bottling yourself up?

Just tell me what happened, not what you think happened. In other words, if you never read anything online about this stuff, how would you describe what happened?