Reality can get bent - DMSI 3.3.1-D Adventures and Musings (USLMaxx Interlude Mode)

[Have at ye]

Yeah, the increased volume is bearing fruit. Started doing something I've been putting off for quite some time, even though I know that it's going to work for what I need. Got into a little argument with myself right before that, but it wasn't as heavy an argument as I'd sometimes have to do on, say, ver 3.2 etc.

Continuing tonight.

[Have at ye]

Tonight for the first ~4 loops I got a lot of sadness, had a bit of a cry, about things related to female-stuff directly, I believe. And it was going deep, as far as I could tell - heck, it even bordered on the verge of conscious memory. I don't think consciously I'd be able to go much deeper than that, I don't remember much stuff from earlier in my life. It was definitely FRM at work - got some wonky sensations on the right foot-liver-right shoulder (which has been acting up a bit lately - getting a lot of muscular tension in that area) meridian or watchamacallit. This was coinciding with light buzzing in the areas. Definitely progress being made.

So two more days of looping, then it's three days of break. On Friday, I'll have the opportunity for a little field test at a friend's birthday partay.

[Have at ye]

Hmm. I got really, really frustrated and emotional during bardic practice today. But then it passed and now I'm feeling better.

The increased volume makes me kinda, I dunno, lash out against all fear-based blocks I may be having. Hopefully these shall become eradicated swiftly.

[Have at ye]

No, seriously, it feels like I'm angry with my fears, lol. Like, instead of lashing out at outside circumstances/people/myself/whatever, I want to punch my fear in the face. If it existed in an anthropomorphic form, I would beat the crap out of it.

[Have at ye]

Hmm. During the first break days, I'm feeling kinda weird. On one hand, I'd like to stay at home, sleep a lot, think and allow stuff to unravel (f. in. I skipped bardic practice yesterday, as I had trouble falling asleep, and then slept a whole lot, ~10-12 hrs). On the other hand, I've got stuff to do. On the third hand (lol), I now am able to tell what and how exactly is being blocked by fear, and what results out of these blockages.

The idea now is to remove it, and the barriers should fall.

I can feel myself oscillating between "toeing the line" within the constraints of the fears, lashing out at said fears, and trying to force myself to do stuff despite the fears (which is what I've been doing pretty much all my life, with mixed success).

[Shannon]

Can you give me some insights into what and how is being blocked by your fears and how you believe you should remove the barriers? If it's not too private.

[Have at ye]

I'll try.

Well, as to removal, I was hoping maybe executing the script of DMSI would do it. I mean, it's what FRM's been designed for, right? Apart from that, I don't know. Pushing through does not work in the long run. I could also do symbolic visualization, f. in. should I dream of something that could be interpreted as a representation of fear, I could imagine myself removing or destroying it. I find myself doing that from time to time, actually (squashing bugs, beating up a monstrous personification of the self, etc.).

As to what and how - hmm. What seems to be the issue for me personally is that somehow I have picked up something of an avoidant habit over the childhood years, and apparently have been trained to, above all else, avoid upsetting people, and should someone happen to become upset - avoid confrontation "to not make matters worse". So basically I've been trained to fear upsetting people, and have often been shamed or punished for standing up for myself. And, as we unfortunately all know, becoming extremely attractive sexually and/or successful, or heck, even simply healthy, tends to upset certain people to no end (in my line of work, with huge egos and the like, sometimes to an extent which verges on the criminal, lol).

Anyhow, when push comes to shove, I usually do stuff that upsets people anyway, and stand up for myself regardless of anything (especially when pushed), BUT - the very idea of having to this day in, day out, pretty much all the time, meeting with hostility etc... now THAT's demoralizing, and scary. Because I sometimes am just so fucking tired of having to fight all the time.

So, two solutions to this conundrum I can see: a) hoping, or perhaps doing something - but what? - that would cause people to smarten up and let me do my thing without trying to interfere, punish me, sabotage, etc., b) completely and utterly removing this "fear of upsetting others", which should pretty much solve it. Because, in the end, it's not *my* fault someone's upset with me, especially when I'm not doing anything actually harmful or mean.

Then, there's a weird little block which was related to (hyper)sexualization in clinical terms, so as per the APA:

a person's value comes only from his or her sexual appeal or sexual behavior, to the exclusion of other characteristics;
a person is held to a standard that equates physical attractiveness (narrowly defined) with being sexy;
a person is sexually objectified—that is, made into a thing for others' sexual use, rather than seen as a person with the capacity for independent action and decision making; and/or
sexuality is inappropriately imposed upon a person.

And this resulted in something extremely loopy. Contradictory, even. On one level, it resulted in me really feeling like sexual attractiveness to others, and especially physical sexual attractiveness, and physical sexual prowess, is something that I really, really must be and have (in a neurotic way). On the other hand, a part of me really, really wanted to avoid *becoming* so, to avoid unpleasant scenarios, AS WELL AS scenarios in which the perceived sexual self-image (let's call it sexual ego) would become confronted with a reality that would belie it. But that, I think, has been dealt with somewhat by now, as far as I can tell from physical self-image changes I've been undergoing recently.

There's one more area where a block is apparent (and also somewhat in the "currently being taken care of" category), but I'm going to have to think on it a bit in order to express it.

[Shannon]

Much appreciated for the additional information.

[Tigerismyspirit]

As to what and how - hmm. What seems to be the issue for me personally is that somehow I have picked up something of an avoidant habit over the childhood years, and apparently have been trained to, above all else, avoid upsetting people, and should someone happen to become upset - avoid confrontation "to not make matters worse". So basically I've been trained to fear upsetting people, and have often been shamed or punished for standing up for myself. And, as we unfortunately all know, becoming extremely attractive sexually and/or successful, or heck, even simply healthy, tends to upset certain people to no end.

Anyhow, when push comes to shove, I usually do stuff that upsets people anyway, and stand up for myself regardless of anything (especially when pushed), BUT - the very idea of having to this day in, day out, pretty much all the time, meeting with hostility etc... now THAT's demoralizing, and scary. Because I sometimes am just so ***** tired of having to fight all the time.

I resonate with this a lot, Shannon.

[Have at ye]

Feeling pretty good about myself right now for various reasons, and continuing DMSIng today for another 7 days, so until Friday.

That new LTU sounds like one hell of a program, I'm probably going to purchase and run it sooner or later, but currently proceeding with DMSI.

[Shadow2200]

Feeling pretty good about myself right now for various reasons, and continuing DMSIng today for another 7 days, so until Friday.

That new LTU sounds like one hell of a program, I'm probably going to purchase and run it sooner or later, but currently proceeding with DMSI.

Back to basics with dmsi

[Have at ye]

I've finally received the second third of my weird academia monies (long story with the delays ), 1/3rd more to go.

So I can purchase LTU 5.5g should I choose to do so now. I guess I'll do it sooner rather than later, to buy it now at the initial price.

DMSIng felt pretty good tonight.

[Have at ye]

Good things are happening on the physical front. Long story short: I have returned to this set of bodyweight exercises I used to do several years back with good results, but now with more patience and more knowledge on the use of the body (which I have arrived at through diligent bardic practice, lol), which - together with the proper posture requirements of bardic practice - is now having the effect of straightening my spine. It is a bit of an "ouchy" sensation, but that's because I've some damage (upper neck-shoulders, right between the shoulderblades, a bit below the left shoulder, and a bit over the butt from what I'm feeling). Soon enough, my posture (and my mojo) should be permanently fixed into the upright locked position.

Flab's going down too, gut's getting gradually less gutty (this coincides with improvements in posture, obviously), feeling good, keeping at it. Currently doing the exercises every other day, will be looking to start doing them daily in a week or two (maybe sooner), and then start doing them twice per day whenever possible.

During my Friday's night out, I noticed several females responding to my presence as they did on ver. 3.3. They should soon start responding even moreso, I just gotta unlock that potentiality and let it ride. Putting on my loops for the night in a little while.

[Have at ye]

Hmm. So yesterday in the morning, about an hour or two after finishing up my loops, I got kinda annoyed-y/angry-ish (a similar thing happend after several days on the first week of the new version), but it was not as fierce as before and passed way sooner. While last Monday I felt terrible during bardic practice due to that, this time I practiced my bardic skillz like crazy with very good results. Hopefully this indicates progress. Had some more internal thoughts about breaking down walls, bending cage-bars and the like.

Decided yesternight to increase volume to what foobar says is -10dB to give myself more of a push. Feels pretty good right now, we shall see.