03-26-2019, 10:38 AM
Had a rather rough week since about last Thursday, but feeling a bit better now. Didn't get jack accomplished apart from a bit of bardic practice, mostly stayed at home, wallowed a bit, watched a show and played a game or two (haven't done that in a long time, come to think of it) and thought about stuff. When I did leave my place, I noticed an even slightly increased attention level from the fairer sex than before.
There was something going on in my stomach since Wednesday, too, I would feel kinda like throwing up every now and again. This may indicate that something is clearing through or going on at an energetic level, possibly fear-related as far as I know myself - or perhaps trying to get rid of something very negative from my system. I actually did barf a bit at this movement/use-of-body class I have started attending (whoopsie), but nobody appeared to mind all that much ('twas a bit awkward, I'll admit, but stuff like that happens sometimes when doing body work so people did not mind, really).
Apparently, there's a part of me - and a very infantile one at that, so extremely young and unable to use language or even symbolism for communication - that apparently, well, wants to die. All I got from it is bawling, crying, etc., and the most I was able to extract in ways that I can understand apart from emotions is "God, why me?" and "Make the pain end". I have a general idea how this came or may have come to be, although I have no memory as it must have been when I was very, very little and hence have none. On some level, it also appears to be related to women. Thanks, mom!
Don't be alarmed, though, gentle readers! Freud or whoever coined the term would have simply called it the "death drive" (I'd call it the "will-to-die", following existential philosophy, but I guess a drive can be construed as "unconscious will" when it comes down to it). Supposedly everyone has it together with a "life-drive", but apparently, my death-drive iz stronk, and it desires paineless self-destruction. Once I came to this conclusion, I had that "David" song from several posts back stuck in my head again, so I guess that's what it was about. No wonder I'd get depressed periodically without a reason - heck, I got so used to this state there's a chance I simply went on without paying much attention to it and assuming it was "normal".
Dunno really what to do it with this as of yet, but hey, DMSI's apparently now capable of digging this deep if it has to. Not exactly a pleasant experience, but, well, here's to a better tomorrow.
Continuing, getting back to life from tomorrow morning (I have that body movement class in the morning - it also features some lovely, lovely females who appear to be responding to my presence, heh - as well as shows upcoming at the beginning of April), gotta do some laundry and clean up my place, as I let it go quite badly.
There was something going on in my stomach since Wednesday, too, I would feel kinda like throwing up every now and again. This may indicate that something is clearing through or going on at an energetic level, possibly fear-related as far as I know myself - or perhaps trying to get rid of something very negative from my system. I actually did barf a bit at this movement/use-of-body class I have started attending (whoopsie), but nobody appeared to mind all that much ('twas a bit awkward, I'll admit, but stuff like that happens sometimes when doing body work so people did not mind, really).
Apparently, there's a part of me - and a very infantile one at that, so extremely young and unable to use language or even symbolism for communication - that apparently, well, wants to die. All I got from it is bawling, crying, etc., and the most I was able to extract in ways that I can understand apart from emotions is "God, why me?" and "Make the pain end". I have a general idea how this came or may have come to be, although I have no memory as it must have been when I was very, very little and hence have none. On some level, it also appears to be related to women. Thanks, mom!
Don't be alarmed, though, gentle readers! Freud or whoever coined the term would have simply called it the "death drive" (I'd call it the "will-to-die", following existential philosophy, but I guess a drive can be construed as "unconscious will" when it comes down to it). Supposedly everyone has it together with a "life-drive", but apparently, my death-drive iz stronk, and it desires paineless self-destruction. Once I came to this conclusion, I had that "David" song from several posts back stuck in my head again, so I guess that's what it was about. No wonder I'd get depressed periodically without a reason - heck, I got so used to this state there's a chance I simply went on without paying much attention to it and assuming it was "normal".
Dunno really what to do it with this as of yet, but hey, DMSI's apparently now capable of digging this deep if it has to. Not exactly a pleasant experience, but, well, here's to a better tomorrow.
Continuing, getting back to life from tomorrow morning (I have that body movement class in the morning - it also features some lovely, lovely females who appear to be responding to my presence, heh - as well as shows upcoming at the beginning of April), gotta do some laundry and clean up my place, as I let it go quite badly.
"A man who is doing his True Will has the inertia of the Universe to assist him." - A. Crowley
