08-14-2026, 03:55 AM
I went to the pool today to meet a friend and another couple of friends come along. It was funny a guy was trying to recruit me to an organization and there was others listening like our conversation was the centrepeice and then later in another part a woman who was there listening was telling me to stay away from that organization. 
After having dinner I went with my friend while he did deliveries and I noticed something and was thinking about it while driving home before.
I don't know where it come from, but I remember a concept around 'micro avoidance' and I can see it's a pattern but I was more aware of it tonight. Like I get some space and things open up a little and I want to take certain actions and talk to a certain person for example but I won't do it, then I shut down a little, the next one shut down a little more etc.. and then my energy starts to drain and I start to feel less confident.
It's like if i'd gone with the urge on the first one and went with it then my confidence would have opened up more and I would have felt better, but instead fear makes me not do it and the opposite happens. It's not like i'm standing there with a shit in my pants, shaking and freaking out, totally frozen on the spot.. but it's definately fear stopping me taking these actions that in reality, in practice is a small action.. but in my mind is built up to be alot more. This little simple thing has this fear attached to it.
In general my obsessiveness and neediness for girls is lower, but still some of the old pattern gets triggered to a certain extent, sometimes less like tonight where I was realatively okay, but other times more like it sends me down to feeling depressed.
But there is progress on that pattern generally, like sometimes I can go out and not go down in that hole just because I don't or can't talk to girls like before. I'm seeing more focus on myself recently and less on my confidence and such, though last weekend went out to dinner and felt it a fair bit. But not necessarily feeling the confidence or masculinity I was feeling earlier in stage 0.
Tonight is my last night off in the cycle, tomorrow night onto stage 1.
Tomorrow i'll write some of the main things i've got from stage 0.
After having dinner I went with my friend while he did deliveries and I noticed something and was thinking about it while driving home before.
I don't know where it come from, but I remember a concept around 'micro avoidance' and I can see it's a pattern but I was more aware of it tonight. Like I get some space and things open up a little and I want to take certain actions and talk to a certain person for example but I won't do it, then I shut down a little, the next one shut down a little more etc.. and then my energy starts to drain and I start to feel less confident.
It's like if i'd gone with the urge on the first one and went with it then my confidence would have opened up more and I would have felt better, but instead fear makes me not do it and the opposite happens. It's not like i'm standing there with a shit in my pants, shaking and freaking out, totally frozen on the spot.. but it's definately fear stopping me taking these actions that in reality, in practice is a small action.. but in my mind is built up to be alot more. This little simple thing has this fear attached to it.
In general my obsessiveness and neediness for girls is lower, but still some of the old pattern gets triggered to a certain extent, sometimes less like tonight where I was realatively okay, but other times more like it sends me down to feeling depressed.
But there is progress on that pattern generally, like sometimes I can go out and not go down in that hole just because I don't or can't talk to girls like before. I'm seeing more focus on myself recently and less on my confidence and such, though last weekend went out to dinner and felt it a fair bit. But not necessarily feeling the confidence or masculinity I was feeling earlier in stage 0.
Tonight is my last night off in the cycle, tomorrow night onto stage 1.
Tomorrow i'll write some of the main things i've got from stage 0.
