Re-engagement (AM7)

[Benjamin]

2 days into stage 1.

Yesterday, in the morning after my first listening the night before there was something subtle in the background, but really I didn't 'feel' that much different.

I felt like going out to look at a shop that had moved to a bigger building. A guy I know was waiting at the door, turns out it wasn't open yet. I met him through my public speaking friend, but this guy is a bit wary of me since a few years ago I was talking to him at a market and some of the volunteers were trying to force some totalitarian shit that I directly said no to and kept walking, one tried to grab me by the shoulder and I turned around and said "don't touch me" and he stopped then I kept walking.

Well this guy is a bit timid and doesn't say much to me since. Not really a great loss. I'm mentioning this cos I noticed he seemed wary of me, almost intimidated which he usually does anyway. Then when he got served and talked to the girl it was almost like another guy talking and I didn't recognize his voice and how he was talking compared to with me he's all timid. This was probably increased more on stage 1 i'd say.

Anyway, as soon as the cute girl opened the door I started talking to her. Then went to look at some stuff. A kid come in, maybe early teens and he was looking at me in awe for some reason, then his dad said "how's it going" to me, or I said it first I don't know, as I remember him from a clothes shop in town.

I looked a bit, talked to the girl again briefly and left. I ended up going home.

Today I went to the post office to pick up a parcel, feeling fairly comfortable and neutral. Didn't interact with anyone so can't speak for that.

I notice today my head feels a little constricted, i'm partly a bit scattered like wanting to look at facebook, but also at the same time i'm wanting to get some other stuff done, though the second isn't quite established yet, it's there subtly.

Also the weirdest thing, yesterday after my first listening to stage 1 the night before my friend from the public speaking club messaged me saying that a guy we know come into the shop he works at yesterday. It's like sharing a little bit of gossip basically about a guy we both haven't seen for a while.

I find it too coincidental it happened straight after starting stage 1, and I don't know why it would be. But all this time he hasn't messaged and suddenly he does. I was wondering whether to reply, yesterday I felt a bit better about it, less annoyed at him and thought "well I guess I could talk to him" but in the back of my mind knowing he doesn't have my back if it comes to it, due to the stuff at the public speaking club.

Today after messaging him back though I had an interesting thought.

On AM6 I started to lose interest in haging out with him, back then we would hang out a fair bit. And I noticed when I did hang out with him it would bring me down, i'd start to feel like shit and go back into old patterns of how I felt and acted.

In the last few years it felt like he grew in himself, stopped doing much social stuff and mainly working and disconnected from me this time. Now on stage 1 it seems he's appeared again, and I wonder if it's something from stage 1 bringing that old relationship/pattern in like it brought me down a bit in AM6 as part of the process.

I can't explain it properly, but that was a quick thought.

Not sure what else for now.

[Benjamin]

Stage 1 started off good. I started to get the urge to be more social again, have organized a gathering for the weekend wheras on stage 0 I could barely get myself to do so. I just felt like I "couldn't be bothered".

I started doing something that I should have been doing but never did, a couple of days in a row starting small. Then yesterday I thought "I'm doing this without getting tired and shut down" which tends to happen when i've tried it in the past, and then after I had that thought I then got really tired.

My motivation for workouts and training increased a bit more, I even felt stronger in my workouts so far this week but that seemed to be combined with some of my muscles being more sore. Though I did add a set to everything. The strength could be the siberian ginseng tincture I started to help physically, or stage 1. It seems to coincide with starting stage 1, and also being more enthused for the workout.

I just looked at it seems it may not be long enough using that tincture to notice strength benefits, so it may be more from stage 1.

I was feeling good. Then last night I 'crashed'. I went to bed and all this kind of resistance and sabotage come up. I was really looking forward to training and next workout and then the sabotage come up and ruined it. Today is a training day with my training partners and i'm not that keen for it.. but when I do it I know it'll be okay. Also really feeling tired and drained.

Last night when I went to bed I had an old symptom come up and was in fight and flight (another old symptom) and struggled to sleep, I was hyper sensitive to sounds outside. This hasn't happened this much for quite a while.

Again though it could be the tinctures (i'm taking a few others to help) causing a healing response, but also stage 1 working on something. It's hard to know which.

I'm noticing a little annoyance at some things, like ways i've been treated. And being hyper sensitive to little things today like things I read. It almost feels like my testosterone has crashed, like I kind of felt like I wanted to cry earlier. So definately emotional upheaval from somewhere.

It makes sense stage 1 is digging deeper, I don't think i've felt like this for a while since early in stage 0.

I've also been more hungry, again I don't know if it's the tincture or stage 1. But it might make sense along with the strength as others have reported testosterone type effects on AM7 even if it's not directly in there. Anyone notice increased strength and hunger in stage 1?

[Benjamin]

I felt better today.

Another weird thing, another old friend messaged me and with the other one I can only attribute it to something in stage 1. I used to goto her place for gatherings to play card games but then her boyfriend who I initially got along with started being a dickhead to me, one night I had enough and told him to stop his shit and then I told her directly after that that I won't be coming anymore because of him.

Haven't really heard from her since I went there one day and talked to her about it. It's weird she suddenly messaged me, as opposed to the other friend I instantly got a negative feeling when I thought about replying as I don't really want to be in that environment again even if they boyfriend was gone, which I don't think he is.

I was thinking earlier that i'm noticing some other stuff from stage 1, but not necessarily confidence and such, though I haven't been out for a few days until today.

I don't really feel different, but when I went out today it showed that I was projecting something different. Picking up a package at the post office the girl who served me was basically just rude, I said "how's it going" and she didn't reply, was just like "address" and "id" and of course she was the bitcy, aggressive type from her vibe. So that's fine, because i'd rather push away girls like that anyway.

I went to the pool after that, and though I didn't feel massively different I was comfortable. Talked to a guy i'd said hi to and talked to briefly a few times but neither of us really engaged much, it's the most i've ever talked to him. Then in the sauna was talking to him, a woman from last time (who told me not to join the organization another guy was talking about) and a few others. It was almost again like a couple of us talking were the centre of attention.

I also noticed reactions from other guys, like the more quiet ones some of them almost wary, or upset, or just looking at me in a weird way. It's seeming like the confident, comfortable kind of guys are engaging, the others seem slightly upset or annoyed or just stare at me weirdly. But that's fine, I have to get used to that.

So it shows I was projecting something different, and acting different in talking to different people that I usually wouldn't. 

I can see that it projects more and happens more with people I don't really care about much like other guys first, as opposed to with girls which is where most of my baggage, insecurities, past neediness and such is, aswell as a higher level of fear.

[Benjamin]

Stage 1 started off good. After a few nights of listening I went to some hotsprings with friends. I was talking to almost everyone who I come across, talked to a couple of sexy girls and had everyone responding well.

Since then it's almost like that was too much and i've had little desire to go far, last time I went out I was fairly anxious and today I had an urge to go out which I haven't the last few weeks much and I felt fairly anxious too. It's the same pattern, open up a bit or even have a day of high confidence like this then isolate and hide and not want to go anywhere for a while after that, and if I do I feel anxious.

In one shop I seen this woman and thought it was possibly someone I know, and I left and was sitting in my car thinking of going back to confirm but was feeling anxious. I eventually did and it wasn't anyone I knew, but I felt better not just running away and felt a bit better after that.

Still when i'm in this state I almost seem to project something that makes most people not talk to me, even in shops. But it seems I may still have been projecting something, I went into one shop and the woman working seemed to look at me in awe like she was going to say "how's it going". I said it to her and she didn't even answer at all which was weird.

I was getting annoyed thinking "well fuck her then" but then when I was walking out she's like "you didn't find anything?" and was all of a sudden friendly. So maybe she was anxious too. We just said a few lines to each other and I left.

Also been feeling a bit annoyed at things in general, a few days ago I was especially sensitive to everything emotionally. Feel a bit better now.

30 days doesn't feel long after 4 months of stage 0. I'm a bit over half way through.

Have no idea what stage 1 is doing now. I also yesterday had urges and thoughts to use something else, or another method like I used to. I didn't have that much on stage 0 so I assume it means something in stage 1 I want to run away from.

It wasn't as strong as say on AM6, so it's not a serious concern.. but it was coming up where it hasn't as much previously.

[Benjamin]

To expand on the above, in stage 0 my confidence felt more stable, I felt comfortable for example with my training partners and such. On stage 1 i've been just feeilng fucking awkward with them, other than the few days after starting stage 1 feeling awkward in general.

And also another weird thing. Since starting stage 1 I suddenly feel like my martial arts skills are shit and even my training partners seem like they aren't as skilled. It's almost like my perception is different, my first thought is that stage 1 is increasing the 'standard' for different things, and looking at it from there things suddenly aren't matching up, where before I could see we had a good level of development.

I'm not sure, but those are my thoughts.

[Shannon]

This is called "making progress".

[Benjamin]

It's definately not feeling like progress right now, but I understand what you mean.

Also I realized something else with training, is that last night I gave less of a fuck of giving more resistance. By that I mean I gave them more resistanc in certain drills and wasn't as worried about going too hard. Though I still know how to balance it and i'm not actually trying to hurt them during training.

But it stood out as an effect of stage 1, like less of a need to go easy and to challenge them more. And also to challenge myself by asking for more resistance from them. We do this but sometimes I probably don't plan enough of it in the session, so it's good for me to want to do so more.

[Benjamin]

I went to another town today to exchange something I ordered online from a clothes shop.

Felt better today. It stood out the service I got from the guy at the clothes shop, I rarely remember anyone in a clothes shop coming over and showing me different things and such. Yes he was trying to sell more, but it stood out because customer service is shit in most places in general now so I feel I can attribute it to stage 1. The girl working also smiled and talked to me, asked how my days been and such. Doesn't seem like much but this rarely happens any more in most places either.

What's also interesting, with that and getting better responses, staff more talkative like this is that it happens with the 'normal' people and people who are kind of cool, but the weird cunts tend to ignore me and not talk to me, they don't come over and ask if I want help, funnily enough it's the same people who i'm repulsed by anyway and who predictably would hate masculinity, be generally unpleasant, have a horrible personality, and all kinds of delusions that are going around in society at the moment.

So that's fine, repulsing people like that and attracting more of the people who are cool suits me.

[Benjamin]

After some times of feeling awkward, I felt a bit better this week.

I went down the street earlier, before I went home I went to the supermarket to get some stuff. When I got to the checkout I looked at the girl working and was thinking "damn she's sexy" and waited in the line. I was feeling fairly relaxed and natural.

But it went weird. When she was scanning my stuff I noticed some hats sitting up on the checkout and I said "I see they've given you some hats, but you aren't wearing one". It was really just a simple statement, a bit of a joke. But she reacted so fucking weirdly, she paused and slowly looked around at the hats like she was weirded out, then at me like she was freaked out like I said something really suggestive or something and gave me this weird "ahhh no, i'm allright thanks" like I suggested something to her and she was freaked out. 

What the fuck? It was way out of context and so very exaggerated for the situation. When she started looking at me in the weird way I was about to say something about that weird behaviour, like a subtle sense of assertiveness but I can't remember what I was about to say. Then she answered, I paused a little and said "I guess they aren't the best hats anyway" and she said "no they aren't". Like she was seriously pissed off or 'offended' at the very suggestion she could wear a hate like that, I don't know.

I left and was thinking she was a fucking weirdo for that response. And sadly it triggered shit for me and I couldn't stop thinking about it and my mood went down and I started to feel like shit. It's annoying that things like this, mostly from girls can bring this spiral down.

My thought is that it may be something i'm projecting from stage 1 that i'm not fully aware of yet, causing this kind of weird response to something so simple.

Tonight I went to see my friend and his girlfriend, went to an art gallery then to dinner. Well compared to earlier in the day I felt so fucking awkward and weird, I guess brought on by the reaction I had got. I just felt totally 'off' and awkward, in talking and in my manner and in how I felt.

It was weird I felt like I was getting weird looks from his girlfriend when I looked at her, then I put it together that i've got this several times on stage 1. I think earlier in the week with my dad, I felt that I was getting this same weird look from him, and tonight some guys come selling raffle tickets and one of them seemed awkward and seemed to be giving me a similar reaction, but he also seemed kind of nervous.

So it could be that i'm projecting something else that's both making me feel really awkward and either feeling like i'm getting weird looks from certain people.. or they are picking up something that i'm starting to project that is coming across kind of incongruent. It's just started recently in stage 1, whatever it is.

[Shannon]

I think you're just stepping out of your comfort zone and have no calibration, and you're also projecting something that's not finished developing yet. I find that it helps to think about what I want to say and consider how it will probably be received.

[Benjamin]

Last night I was thinking it will be good to goto the hairdressers today after starting stage 2 and see the vibe, as previously I talked to everyone and felt good. I think that was on stage 0.

Well, I feel completely shit today. I remember waking up and having stuff go through my head, it seemed feminist brainwashing i've been given like it was being worked on. Also I noticed I had an old physical symptom come up that hasn't for a while. I don't think it's totally due to trauma, but trauma most likely contributes and it worsens when i'm in fight and flight.

So it kind of feels like the start of stage 2 was a bit overwhelming in that area, this morning i felt drained, my head a bit sore and constricted. Also been feeling depressed most of the day, struggled to find other things to do this morning, though I eventually found something. And really down about other physical stuff coming up, like "I already fucking have enough shit to deal with other than this". It also felt like some of the head soreness was from the massively increased volume which is increased input. Yes stage 0 was one higher on the volume, but I was on the 6g version of stage 0.

When I got up my dog seemed weird with me, every morning she comes running up excitedly for a pat. Today she seemed to be standoffish like i'm projecting something different from stage 2. I patted her later, but it was noticable initially.

It seems I must have been in fight and flight alot of the day, as I just put something on that brings me down from that a bit (and so far hasn't conflicted, i've used it the whole time) that helps me feel better and I felt myself coming down a bit.

But I feel like i'll be at the hairdresser and just be a social retard and not be able to think of anything to say. I'd happily just sit there and say nothing or not even go with how I feel today honestly.

I just feel like I could almost cry, like i'm overwhelmed physically and mentally. But the only changed input is starting stage 2.

[Benjamin]

It seems starting stage 2 coincides with me getting sick which doesn't help, so it's hard to know what to attribute to that and what to attribute to stage 2.

I decided to stop taking siberian ginseng as I felt like it was 'numbing' me a bit and back when I first took it on stage 0 I felt it lessened the effects. After a month I decided to stop taking it, it's a shame cos I felt noticably stronger and was sleeping well.

So last night I just couldn't sleep, it was almost like my cortisol went up massively (it balances cortisol) and I was in strong fight and flight, hearing sounds and suddenly scared it might be a home invasion. That's also connected to previous trauma so it also may partly be stage 2 bringing it up and without the numbing of siberian ginseng I felt it more.

I did notice this morning when I got up that I felt a little more 'alive' and realized how siberian ginseng was 'numbing' me a bit. I still don't understand why it was lessening the results but somehow it was.

One definite sign of resistance is that the last few days i've been thinking "I don't want to be alpha anymore, what's the point of this" and wanting to stop. I don't think i've had those thoughts so far until stage 2.

That's not to say i'm giving into it, just reporting what's coming up.