Re-DMSI 3.1 - ( Stopped 25th October )

[Illumi]

After 50+ days on MLS 5.5G ill be back on DMSI in a few days. My run with MLS was a bit dazy and resistance filled, more H&C need i assume. The dreams were craaaazy like this one dream i was experiancing an alternate made up ending of Game of Thrones and i was spectating from above. Man im it was so good i truly believe it will be 1000x better than the actual ending.

Little background on me: I've been testing DMSI since v2.3 and have deleted most of my journals out of fear. I was pretty much a virgin pre DMSI ( Only had sex once five years ago drunk at a party and can't remember any of it. I was one shade above stonewalling and had a pretty rough year with the earlier versions of DMSI although there were moments of pure execution ( Where the design goal was met ) although i never closed the deal out of fear even with the many chances i had.

In May i met with my INFJ ex and she was exactly what i needed. She healed my insecurities and we kinda evolved toghether. We didn't have sex though since she didnt want to. So we were toghether for a while then she went cold, thats when i match with my fwb who im seeing right now and the sex is great. That was 2 weeks after i started MLS and i was still feeling DMSI doing it's thing. A while later i met another one off tinder and now im seeing both now.

Back to DMSI NOW

PS: Having went from being a total loser to someone who is actually good now i can't say it was quite as expected. It was cool for a while but now its like yeah no big deal. It was never a big deal i suppose. Im still the same person, though i did grow a lot when i was with my ex.

[Kol]

Those not so big deal are the best. Welcome back on DMSI bro.

[Illumi]

Those not so big deal are the best. Welcome back on DMSI bro.

Its good to be back! Im one of the earliest testers and i feel somewhat responcible for moving this thing forward! Im also going to need the celebrity effect for various reasons.

[Illumi]

Its been 10 days off MLS now. Starting DMSI tonight

[Illumi]

Day 3 on B: I met the new girl im currently meeting 9/10 Blond Bombshell! She asks if i cut my hair or Something. I said no why? She said you look hotter somehow! Then i take her home and we have sex for one hour, funny enough the first time i had sex with her ( pre DMSI ) i had hard time getting aroused. I was still hanging on my infj ex. Now with DMSI im not only hard but my stamina is Insane. I dicked her down for 40 minutes non stop and i was nowhere close to orgasming.

Then i go to my ex's house to pick up some stuff i left long time ago. We are friends right now but i want to see if she could resist me on DMSI. For science. The vibe is playful, i could get away with as much physicality as possible. Blowing on her stomach, playing with her hair, slapping her ass etc. Its freaky seeing her text some new dude on snapchat! Later reacting positivly when im engaging with her physically.

I really really wanted her to kiss me, or initiate physically for that matter. She didnt. I guess im not sexually irresistable yet. The bad news is that a part of me wants to get her back later since DMSI has the Auric Reset there is never a game over. All the rules are broken. She isnt that hot but i've never felt a stronger chemistry with anyone. She resisted me like hell, she didnt initiate a thing but she never denyed any of my advances.

[Illumi]

Just set up a date with a tinder girl i have been chatting with for quite sometime but never met because she lives far away, since my father is driving to the same town and asked if i wanted to come with. She has 20K followers on instagram or something so why not!

[Illumi]

Cancled date since its really not worth it, she is hot but damn thats a long distance and for what? Im only there 4 hours. I feel terrible today. Its one of those days when you feel like everything is going south. I apologize to Shannon for partaking in the charade on his journal disscussion thread. Im on this fourm... not from this fourm..

[Illumi]

Im going to be 100% honest here.. I feel miserable. Im not in controll. Im picking up on the same intolerable resistance from last time i ran it. Its like i've reached my growth limit with this version and going further is like escalating more and more uphill. I know what DMSI does att full power but damn that only happened few times and the last time was months ago. Im definitly a stonewaller if not then im one shade away from being one. Willpower is the only thing keeping me going.

The goal was getting laid and ending my celibate existans. I got an amazing girlfriend but she does not want have sex ( go third base ) and i was dissatasfyed. Then i break up with her and now im having sex with a stunning girl but I miss the connection i had to my ex.

Man she was both warm yet cold. The only thing that held the relationship toghether was DMSI and the evidence was that whenever i stop DMSI to clear my head for MLS she starts acting cold and disintrested.

When i was with her i only saw her faults which led me to be with the new girl im seeing, now im seeing the new girls faults in order to justify wanting to go back to my ex.

Im not happy! At least back then i had hope, now that i've gotten what some may call success i feel more miserable. Sometimes apathy takes over and I think the healing/clearing will fix everything. I really dont care about DMSI's design goal anymore! I just want to be cleared/healed! I dont care about being a player/pimp and having massive success. I just want to be happy with who i am. I dont want to need anyone or anything for it.

The irony of ironies is that i dont know if im happier since i have started. The progress its self was worth it but i feel like all i did was chase phantoms. The more progress i make the more uphill the road becomes. I will keep doing DMSI for the H/C because for me this is whats truly worth it.

E3, AM7, BASE and BAMM thats the road to my salvation! To contribute! Create a legacy! Give back! Without those im not truly living.. only breathing

[Illumi]

At this point im strong enough to handle whatever is going on but whyyyyyyyyy i switched to A two days ago and im still feeling drained. If this was me a while back id run away but no longer. I can't logically fiqure it out. Is it resistance that is making feel this bad, is it Real Life and i should be doing something about it. Im just 22 and have been running subs for 2 years now. I dont know where i stand! I feel emotionally frained and all i wanna do is procrasinate to stop thinking about it except im not doing that.

Things do get better eventually but im starting to doubt my startegy because of the way things have been going. I see any problem from 10 different angles and that type of over analyzing is a double edged sword. Maybe i need get rid of those crazy expectations i have with myself.

[Illumi]

There is a lesson in all this: I keep going and stay positiv yet productive and do whatever it takes to make it. i wont let my emotions run me down, im the master of my destiny and ill keep going The Way

[Illumi]

Finally i was able to afford going to a new gym since i've moved out! Damn its been 3 months of no gym. But as i was training i could see that my body remebers and i will regain my lost gains in now time. On my AM6 days i was so buff nobody dared to mess with me. I just didnt know that! Damn i feel alive!

No more females drama! Im staying tf out. Its me, my work, my hobbies and my happiness. Ill be damned if i ever give away my happiness to someone. So no serious relationships for the next few years

[Illumi]

So i hear that my ex has been out and about meeting guys and going to " parties " where wannabe gangsters hang meanwhile i have been working on myself. Hitting the gym hard, reading books and going forward in life! Its really painful to think that just because she is a good looking chick she is getting validated left and right by anyone with a d1ck.

Brings something i've read somewhere to mind: " An ugly woman could get laid faster than the biggest alpha/player ". Its sh1t like this that make me believe its never worth it to be in a monogomus relationship. Basically all women want that badass alpha who leaves everyone and choose her. And by not being that badass alpha in the first place you get rejected and ignored. Thats why it makes sense that most men cheat! Because most women dont get toghether in the first place with a man who dont have options.

With that being said! DMSI is the perfect sub to run for any male who did not have major success with women. It makes sense to cheat! Since she wouldn't even be with you if you are not a person who is able to. Unless you they were bribed with fancy dinners and supplication.

When i was toghether with my ex. She had 8 guys on text BEGGING her to be with them and that they love her even though they barly know her. One even said he'd kill himself if she doesnt love him.

Dont be that guy! Be the player instead and choose from many options! That way they know it in thier bones that any bullshit will not be tolerated! And that they could be replaced faster than they could say Sayyonara!

I hope someone learns something from this! Absorb the context of why being alpha id the way to go! Not for anyone but yourself

[Illumi]

I texted my ex on snapchat for some reason and she texts back saying she has a flu. Then she says that she have met with a new guy! I try to play it cool but inside i feel crushed. I tell her that im happy for her and she says thanks and that the new guy is very nice to her. I then just lose it and block her and her sister on Snapchat and Instagram. 3 hours later after agonizing emotional pain i text newspaper text to her phone number which i did not delete/block! Its 3 am in the mourning and im texting her all sorts of shit that i hurt her, she got her payback! That i love her, and that i dont want to see her again. Lastly im just making fun of the fact that i need stop texting her at 3 am because im butthurt.

A part of me believes that this is all just a big game and that we are inseperable. That she just want to hurt me and make me jealous.
I haz zero control. My emotions were all over the place! To say i was beta and weak is an understatment especially when i have been avoiding her for the last 4 days. Why im i like this? Im meeting with a much hotter girl at the moment! Better yet An old female friend just texted me about a pic of us from halloween 2016 and a while later she says that she is renovating her apartment and im welcome if im ever in Gothenburg!

Most definitly a DMSI manifestation! This one is also a 9/10 banging alpha female who share a great chemistry with me. Yet i just cant let go. The reason is that i always thought that no matter what happens i could always get her back with DMSI! That she is the only exception to the rule! That she is special and what we have is perfect! Its not.

Chaosvergn was right when he warned me about INFJs the first time i broke up with her. That she knows Intuitivly how to push my buttons and that she is taking advantage to the full. That she is deadly on an emotional level. Stupid me didnt listen.

Strangly i feel good after repeatedly texting her like a loser at 3am while she sleeps! Like i could truly move on. And i couldn't have done that had i not said everything i had to say.

I have never felt so crushed, so out of control, so humiliated in my life. Shannon hurry up with V3.2 and please beef up reality bending and the healing/clearing modules so nobody ever goes through this again. I believe the resistance im going through is also why im so sensitive. I wasn't even that happy when i was with her it just that now its over she just seems 100x better. An illusion i cant shake off.

Right now i have zero energy and zero willpower! I dont how im still standing with all the sh1t that have been going on. Must be a habit huh? I just cant quit.

[Determined]

Better out than in. Those emotions needed to be expressed. Be happy you let that happen.

Whether you acknowledge it or not, you seem to be in the grieving process.

LET.IT.HAPPEN

The worst thing you can do is call your grieving "beta and weak" in fact it's quite manly to grieve openly and unabashedly. To really experience the depths of your own despair is the bravest and most powerful thing you can do when faced with a hit. To grieve intensely is the truest way to do it "like a man".

Take the hit, feel it, acknowledge the loss and move on.

You also might want to educate yourself on the grieving process. It's something society never teaches us which we all have to endure at some points in our lives from loss of loved ones, to losing a job or a bad breakup. You'll find yourself coming out much stronger for it.