01-05-2011, 05:38 AM
(This post was last modified: 01-05-2011, 05:39 AM by RainbowAbyss.)
Well I worked it out with my friend
I just let him know where I stood and he said
that he totally wasn't aware of what was going on
and apologized and said how much I mean to him as a friend.
That's enough for me to keep the door open for him, I have a soft spot for supplication and groveling lol, but I'm done investing quite as much as I
use to in our friendship, since he definitely seems to get jealous and use every opportunity
he can to 'amog'- in seemingly very light ways-not so much disguised aggression as needing to make himself feel better. There's nobody I'm closer to one and one but as soon as we get in a group setting he seems to have a dog eat dog attitude with a veil of kindness-its more boring than annoying and despite these drawbacks he still adds a lot of great value to my life so whatever.
But who cares-update on stage 3
I actually have about 10 days left and so far I
am having a really hard time figuring out what is going on. Here is my best analysis.
for one thing thing the fire and solidity that was in my chest in stage 2 is cooling off and opening up I feel more open and connected to the outside world. I do feel much more 'vulnerable' than I did in stage 2-like what people do or say can impact me, not effect my sense of self worth but have an effect on how I feel-I was a block of steel during stage 2
didn't really care about people or what they had to say. I also don't feel as strong a drive to live just for myself as I did in stage 2-I'm almost more caring about others while but still quite 'cold hearted' compared to how I used to be. Not really in a bad way just strong boundaries and refusing to feel bad over other people's crap. Nothing I do in this stage has me 'feel' more confident but I am doing things, asking for promotion and more work, going out way more and pursuing women, that I either wouldn't have done in the past or would have done so with much more worry, stuck in my head-ness, and anxiety. So I guess that ease is a form of confidence. Indifference is still growing with the wave's of neediness coming and going. A feel a little bit a victim some times at certain things but this is let go of very quickly. Stage three seems to really be about indifference and letting go of anxiety, it seems like a chill out, a letting go. I feel the same in every situation, not to excited, not scared, just comfortable, solid, and ready, not really motivated, not really unmotivated. Its weird since I am so use to living in extremes but I kind of like it.
Also my twin brother who I have lived with every day the last three months says he hasn't really noticed any change in me which is annoying to hear. But Alpha is subtle and he has been there as I slowly change so he might not notice it.
Almost forgot, I added carpe diem this last week and it really seems like such a great fit, Alpha can have me being pretty mental at times and carpe diem, without taking away the thinking capacity, really is helping me act on what I can act on and be cool with where I can't. Its also made socializing way more fun and I feel it is also pushing me to spontaneously move things forward with women I am interested in or talking to. Just last night I had a small get together in the studio and my house and a cute girl I liked asked where the bathroom was, in the past I would have just told her, but instead I said "I'll show you, follow me" and we ended up hooking up in the other room. Not sure if that was more carpe diem or Alpha but either way they both seem to work great together.
I just let him know where I stood and he said
that he totally wasn't aware of what was going on
and apologized and said how much I mean to him as a friend.
That's enough for me to keep the door open for him, I have a soft spot for supplication and groveling lol, but I'm done investing quite as much as I
use to in our friendship, since he definitely seems to get jealous and use every opportunity
he can to 'amog'- in seemingly very light ways-not so much disguised aggression as needing to make himself feel better. There's nobody I'm closer to one and one but as soon as we get in a group setting he seems to have a dog eat dog attitude with a veil of kindness-its more boring than annoying and despite these drawbacks he still adds a lot of great value to my life so whatever.
But who cares-update on stage 3
I actually have about 10 days left and so far I
am having a really hard time figuring out what is going on. Here is my best analysis.
for one thing thing the fire and solidity that was in my chest in stage 2 is cooling off and opening up I feel more open and connected to the outside world. I do feel much more 'vulnerable' than I did in stage 2-like what people do or say can impact me, not effect my sense of self worth but have an effect on how I feel-I was a block of steel during stage 2
didn't really care about people or what they had to say. I also don't feel as strong a drive to live just for myself as I did in stage 2-I'm almost more caring about others while but still quite 'cold hearted' compared to how I used to be. Not really in a bad way just strong boundaries and refusing to feel bad over other people's crap. Nothing I do in this stage has me 'feel' more confident but I am doing things, asking for promotion and more work, going out way more and pursuing women, that I either wouldn't have done in the past or would have done so with much more worry, stuck in my head-ness, and anxiety. So I guess that ease is a form of confidence. Indifference is still growing with the wave's of neediness coming and going. A feel a little bit a victim some times at certain things but this is let go of very quickly. Stage three seems to really be about indifference and letting go of anxiety, it seems like a chill out, a letting go. I feel the same in every situation, not to excited, not scared, just comfortable, solid, and ready, not really motivated, not really unmotivated. Its weird since I am so use to living in extremes but I kind of like it.
Also my twin brother who I have lived with every day the last three months says he hasn't really noticed any change in me which is annoying to hear. But Alpha is subtle and he has been there as I slowly change so he might not notice it.
Almost forgot, I added carpe diem this last week and it really seems like such a great fit, Alpha can have me being pretty mental at times and carpe diem, without taking away the thinking capacity, really is helping me act on what I can act on and be cool with where I can't. Its also made socializing way more fun and I feel it is also pushing me to spontaneously move things forward with women I am interested in or talking to. Just last night I had a small get together in the studio and my house and a cute girl I liked asked where the bathroom was, in the past I would have just told her, but instead I said "I'll show you, follow me" and we ended up hooking up in the other room. Not sure if that was more carpe diem or Alpha but either way they both seem to work great together.
1. There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.
2. A thinker sees his own actions as experiments and questions... Success and failure are for him answers above all.
3. I would not know what the spirit of a philosopher might wish more then to be than a good dancer.-F.N.
2. A thinker sees his own actions as experiments and questions... Success and failure are for him answers above all.
3. I would not know what the spirit of a philosopher might wish more then to be than a good dancer.-F.N.
