So the last days have been a time of reflection.
I am positive when I have listened to PTPA but it has not reached deep yet. When I am honest with myself I see that I am still avoiding to engage real life. I may have cut back on distractions, I may get along superbly with people, especially at my part-time job. But I still am not able to overcome the invisible but everpresent hurdle to get done what really needs to be done. It's like a threshold I am not able to pass. It has nothing to do with ability, but is more like a mental block. It has all to do with the inner fire and focused curiosity, which I cannot feel anymore.
I have been contemplating to shift the blame onto subs. Four years of consecutive listening almost to the day and I am at the same place and much less inclined to walk the last few steps before I can finally move on and start something new. But this would be just another excuse. Actually it is me and my fear of success, the lack of a vision of what I want to do, once I have completed my PhD, and a fear of not being good enough to get that title in the first place. No hard emotions, I see that stuff clearly. And have been starring it in the eye for a long time. Still, I am frozen stiff.
But it is time. My window of opportunity is slowly but surely closing. I need to find a way to get past my own restrictions, my own self-imposed limitations. Otherwise my life will slide by and be wasted.
I am positive when I have listened to PTPA but it has not reached deep yet. When I am honest with myself I see that I am still avoiding to engage real life. I may have cut back on distractions, I may get along superbly with people, especially at my part-time job. But I still am not able to overcome the invisible but everpresent hurdle to get done what really needs to be done. It's like a threshold I am not able to pass. It has nothing to do with ability, but is more like a mental block. It has all to do with the inner fire and focused curiosity, which I cannot feel anymore.
I have been contemplating to shift the blame onto subs. Four years of consecutive listening almost to the day and I am at the same place and much less inclined to walk the last few steps before I can finally move on and start something new. But this would be just another excuse. Actually it is me and my fear of success, the lack of a vision of what I want to do, once I have completed my PhD, and a fear of not being good enough to get that title in the first place. No hard emotions, I see that stuff clearly. And have been starring it in the eye for a long time. Still, I am frozen stiff.
But it is time. My window of opportunity is slowly but surely closing. I need to find a way to get past my own restrictions, my own self-imposed limitations. Otherwise my life will slide by and be wasted.
_ - Third Stone From The Sun - _
