PSTD Recovery Aid 6.0g

[Sal]

Running 30 minutes Ultrasonic format

I started this sub over 2 weeks ago and am one day away from completing my second cycle before taking a 3 day break
Using this Sub not only to heal after a break up but also from all the other things that are not healed that lead to the 
breakup. I guess I thought I was fine as I was, but did not realise how and what I do or don't do impacts others. 

Cant say I really feel anything or something, Im naturally a kind person who doesn't like to to show too much emotion 
to the outside world, but on the inside I am emotional. When unexpected things happen like a break up from someone
I am attached to happens, I tend to spiral and i dont recover from it, but tend to repeat the same patterns and behaviour
with the next situation, whether it be a relationship or family, friends, career etc. I tend to repeat my behaviours. 

I took the plunge on this Sub because of the number of subs that are in here. 

Am getting some heaviness in my head, not quite headaches but it feels heavy. 
Do occasionally get some "wonky" feelings, but really don't know if this sub is working or not. I guess I will find out in a couple of 
months.

[GreekGod22]

I resonated with this part “Im naturally a kind person who doesn't like to to show too much emotion
to the outside world, but on the inside I am emotional.”

In my case, I realised that not showing too much emotions was a protective mechanism of the ego, to ensure I don’t get hurt or humiliated. So a trauma response.
With healing, one should be more at ease with expressing his personality and being more authentic and vulnerable.

[Sal]

I resonated with this part “Im naturally a kind person who doesn't like to to show too much emotion
to the outside world, but on the inside I am emotional.”

In my case, I realised that not showing too much emotions was a protective mechanism of the ego, to ensure I don’t get hurt or humiliated. So a trauma response.
With healing, one should be more at ease with expressing his personality and being more authentic and vulnerable.

Yes that seems to make sense. But regardless with my situation of the break up I got hurt and humiliated and I spiralled, did some things that I am not proud of. 
Hurt people again because I spiralled. Didn't communicate effectively enough was very vague and distanced and thought I was protecting myself, but I did just did the opposite.
Got hurt go to close go to attached, I thought I was not attached I thought I was protecting myself. 
In all my situations in the past. I never learned, just repeated. Until a couple of weeks ago something clicked and I told myself I cannot be doing this shit again, if I am truly 
going to be happy. I need to heal and repair the past hurts and traumas.

[Have at ye]

Enjoy the program, it's very good.

Don't worry about whether you feel anything "wonky" or not, not everybody gets that. Doesn't mean the program isn't doing its job.

[Sal]

Well I had a little break through today. Since 2020 I’ve developed a fear of heights. And other physical impediments that are impacting me and my confidence. Today I parked my car on the other side of a river. I thought the bridge that I had to cross was a low bridge and wide bridge. Nope it was a high bridge and fairly narrow. If I didn’t cross the footpath bridge it would take me an hour to go around and across a road bridge. but I slowly did it.  Took me a few minutes just to climb the stairs to the bridge, then I was stuck there and had to ask someone help me cross it. But I eventually did it. It’s progress. Not sure what it means and if it’s got anything to do with this sub.  But I’m glad I did it.

[Sal]

I had to cross that bridge again to get to my car. I did it again with some help. Got lots of wonky sensations as I was crossing it. I did get someone to help me a little bit just to be with me whilst crossing. But yay I did. 

I also joined Muay Thai training class. I’ve been saying for years that I wanted to learn. I finally did it.
 Also want to get my motorcycle licence. That’s next. Been saying for years that I wanted to learn to ride, so this year I will learn and get a bike before summer starts. 

Not sure if my traumas are healing. But definitely want to heal so that I can open up and let people in and not be afraid to get hurt or and not to control in a bad way. Just love and enjoy and do fun things. I’ve always been a little to serious and guarded.

[Shannon]

Progress, even with help, is still progress. PRA is designed to go at your pace and work on things in the best order. Give it the time it needs, and that you require from it, and you will be well rewarded.

[Sal]

After reading GreekGod22s post and the entry by callie. I looked up what a fearful avoidant is and thats definitely me. I knew I already was an avoidant, but the description of the fearful avoidant nailed it. And Ive come to realise why I am like this. Childhood traumas. I knew of these already but did not realise until now that this is whats having an impact on my relationships. Makes a lot of sense. Not sure how Im going to work this through now. But Im sure it will happen. 

Im Starting cycle 5 tomorrow and one more cycle to go before completing this run. Was thinking of doing the Complex PTSD run for another cycle. 
Not sure if I need it or not but may give it a shot in 3 week time. Either that or run another 2 month cycle of PTSD or run AM7 stage 0.