Overcoming Fear v.3 - 5.75.7G - Ampers&d's Journal

[Ampersnd]

Day 11 AM,

I would be pretty comfortable in saying that I've overcome certain "Level 2" fears:
- I don't feel stifled by the presence of my boss
- I am not preoccupied or kept up at night by fantasies of being violently attacked by animal or humans, or fight scenarios
- I am not stressed out about the deadlines relating to my coding bootcamp

I do give a lot of thought to money, and thinking of ways to get more and to cap my spending; these thoughts don't agonize me but they are in mind a lot, acting as a distraction (unless I were running a business).

I'm hesitating before buying the workout program (mentioned yesterday) and there's no justification to do that.

[Ampersnd]

Day 12,

Went to a big arena to get my second vaccine dose. A decent number of women in good shape; didn't make sense to skip lines or jump across a room to introduce yourself. Felt some inner hesitancies, but not anxieties.

Realizing that my style could use an upgrade; I have a men's style pdf that I haven't finished reading; also have some clothing items in the mail.

I figure that I'll run 3 days on, 2 days off in the next cycle, as I feel excellent the morning after a loop (i.e., not exhausted)

[Ampersnd]

Day 13, T-Minus 168 days until end,

I have a major group assignment due on Saturday. Normally, I would feel anxious and apprehensive that the work is hitting roadblocks and not getting done as quickly as it 'should'.
I feel a bit blocked and frustrated but not anxious or nervous about it.
We have four opportunities to show our work to top experts, meaning that the chance of failure is <5%.

[Ampersnd]

Also, forgot to mention a dream I had last night:
I was in a small indoor rally/event; a wooden stable-type location with circular bleachers. Just having a good time. Then, jackboots storm in and a Mussolini-type figure comes in, insisting that we repeat his unique 'arms-together' salute. I hesitated, but ultimately complied.

Eventually, the town I was wandering around - with cobblestone and French-style downtown buildings, were getting overrun. People were getting assassinated by the Mussolini guy himself; one even got garroted in a confession booth, BY the Mussolini guy. I was frustrated and saddened by it, but not exactly fearful.
I was eventually hiding out through a basement window, then was under some floor boards with some guy I didn't like for some reason. Then, Kyle Kulinski from Secular Talk (YouTuber) reaches in and antagonizes the other guy. Then I woke up.

[Ampersnd]

Had a dream last night where ALL of my front teeth were deeply chipped and frayed; it was unsightly and had me not only self-conscious, but 'on eggshells' that I would chip/fray them further by biting into things or having a tight jaw, etc.

I came to peace with it by the end of the night, then was relieved when I woke up that I didn't actually have that problem.

Also had a woman who was trying to have sex with me in public; I was apprehensive, then later changed my mind, at which point she was apprehensive. No sex was had.

[Ampersnd]

Day 16, T-Minus 165 days until end,

I've got a major presentation in under 48 hours. We had a major malfunction in our code that we just resolved.
During the previous presentation - about two months ago - I began to feel anxious/rumblings in the stomach around the day before.

This time around, we'll see how well OF v.3 handles the pre-show jitters.

[Ampersnd]

Day 17, T-Minus 164 days until end

Still no jitters pre-presentation. We're about 12 hours out. I have a heightened sense of alertness and a glow in the heart area

[Shannon]

If you do get jitters, see what running a loop starting 20 minutes before the presentation does.  

[Ampersnd]

If you do get jitters, see what running a loop starting 20 minutes before the presentation does.  

Sounds good! Noticing my IDGAF levels are increasing; willing to make bolder statements and calling out conversational dynamics.

[Ampersnd]

Should also mention that yesterday was the day where I got a LOT of looks from female colleagues (that I hadn't seen before) and friendliness. A gal that I stumbled my words around a few months ago was hanging around me, trying to "help" me with a minor errand.

I've lost the need to respond to women's statements; they seem to light up more when I do this. And it isn't intentional on my part.

[Real-Me]

Should also mention that yesterday was the day where I got a LOT of looks from female colleagues (that I hadn't seen before) and friendliness. A gal that I stumbled my words around a few months ago was hanging around me, trying to "help" me with a minor errand.

I've lost the need to respond to women's statements; they seem to light up more when I do this. And it isn't intentional on my part.

I totally get that  ..nothing says I am interested & really listening to you more than a happy silence.

 I think men often make suggestions/comments to 'fix things' when most  women just really want to voice their thoughts/frustrations...  


It may be that you appear more relaxed & things are just lighter around you so others are more more drawn to your lighter calm atmosphere 

[Ampersnd]

Day 19, T-Minus 162 days until end

Of all my fears, conscious or unconscious, I've noticed that I've had the nagging fear of striking out and starting a side business, cutting off ties with a traditional paycheck. Though I make decent money, I realize that I have a scarcity mindset when it comes to money.

I've been developing my web development skills, and I have some decent copywriting/FB ads skills, so if I spent 6 months hyperfocused on that stuff, I think I be on my way!


LATE NOTE: This relates to Friday (two days ago); I realized that I was gaining the freedom to think in any way I choose. For the longest time, I did not fantasize about coworkers sexually; but I did it once and it was fine. Then, I had sexual thoughts around two coworkers while at work (don't worry; not in a creepy way). Just had the epiphany that fear had been strangling my desires in unproductive ways).

[Ampersnd]

Day 20, T-Minus 161 days until end, 3rd day on

Had a hot 35-year-old married Russian woman tell me, over Zoom, tell me that a) I'm a distraction, b) that she is always horny, c) that she can control her dreams and has sex dreams often, and d) that maybe she'll have a dream about me tonight. She says that I'm a mystery and that she's trying to figure me out.

We have an online course together, so we've never met in person. I'm also 5.5 hour drive away, so with that and the married thing, I am cautious.

All I do is chill out during our coding sessions, code, answer her questions, and ask her questions back if I'm curious about something.

This is pretty funny.
Had a first date yesterday that went pretty well; trying to set up the second.
Might have another first date later this week.

[Ampersnd]

Day 21, T-Minus 160 days until end, had 3rd loop last night,

This was the first time where I woke up drained the morning following a loop.
Had tight muscles around my joints, especially at my forearms near my elbows and at my glutes/hips. Following the Knees Over Toes exercise program; 2nd week in.