Overcoming Fear 5.75g

[JCasterlin]

First Cycle Day 4 - Feeling quite anxious and fearful today. Currently running my loops for the day. The way I'm feeling just signifies to me that yeah I am going to stick with the full eight months as instructed but I will most likely do another full eight months beyond that. I'm so tired of being anxious and afraid of the smallest things or always having worse case scenario thinking and feeling. I want to be free and be able to relax , let go,  live my life,  and have fun. Fear , worry,  and anxiety has kept a lot of that from happening. I crave that freedom probably more than anything
I've spent many years listening to subliminal meant to do one thing or another and even ones that have multiple goals but I know for a fact that until I become fearless nothing will change

[JCasterlin]

First Cycle Day 5 - Not feeling as anxious or fearful as I did yesterday. Spent some time yesterday reading about how fear holds us back and that's so true. Similar to what @Shannon said in the sales page you aren't aware of options or aren't able to think things through when you're afraid or paralyzed by fear.It 100% shuts down rational and critical thinking. I didn't really think about that until I started reading up on fear. Then on social media I came across something George Carlin said in one of his comedy specials and it just clicked. More so lately than ever before I have been into reading about philosophy and critical thinking. I am constantly blown away by the mental gymnastics people do to justify their fucked up beliefs and behavior. Apparently admitting vulnerability or that you're scared shitless is too difficult. A couple of days ago I was having a discussion with my wife about how people we know that talk about how they thoroughly think think things through before doing something and how quickly they get defensive when you poke holes in their choices or logic

[Shannon]

Mental gymnastics comes as a defense against doing what the fearful parts fear would remove the fear. Basically, admitting it and then doing things the common sense way. It's a subconscious defense/stasis tactic.

And thoroughly thinking things through doesn't mean they have the capacity to do so logically. I have noted during my 26+ years of studying the human awareness that nearly everyone thinks they think logically - no matter how irrational they are. I have seen people freely mix real logic and "emotional logic" and convince themselves to the ends of the earth that they are thinking 100% logically. I have seen people who couldn't logic their way out of a wet paper bag if you did it for them vehemently defend their choices as "scientifically logical' or "mathematically logical". I mean really... it gets messed up. REALLY messed up.

[JCasterlin]

@Shannon  The second paragraph of your reply instantly reminded me of this

https://youtu.be/LB9aYkUz8u8

Coincidentally enough part of why I chose OF is to help get over whatever fear I have of learning mathematics. Especially at higher levels.
As much as I know I would most likely offend or upset quite a few people online and in person I would love to prove mathematically that things such as chakras, astrology, energy tapping,  and other similar shit is just that. But like you said they would go to the ends of the earth to prove their messed up beliefs.
The insane level of entitlement and narcissism that goes into something like astrology or the law of attraction is mind boggling

[JCasterlin]

First Cycle Day 5 Update - Currently running my loops for the day while I read. Today is a way better day than yesterday was. Almost a 180 degree difference.
It just hit me in a weird "aha " moment during what I am reading that part of what I crave is freedom. Not really suprising given what is on the sales page for OF but I struggle with forcing myself to make myself listen to people go on about dumb shit than just be straight forward and not be passive aggressive. Yeah that may seem rude but honestly I would be far more likely to trust someone who told me how they actually felt or what they were thinking instead of engaging in false politeness

[JCasterlin]

First Cycle Day 6 - The final day of my first cycle. Currently running my loops while I read. I am finally finishing a book I first bought over four years ago. Just now I came across this and it seems highly relevant given that I'm running OF but also because of recent events in my life
"when I came to the startling realization that if there really is no reason to do anything, then there is also no reason to not do anything; that in the face of the inevitability of death, there is no reason to ever give in to one’s fear or embarrassment or shame, since it’s all just a bunch of nothing anyway; and that by spending the majority of my short life avoiding what was painful and uncomfortable, I had essentially been avoiding being alive at all "

[JCasterlin]

First Cycle Off Day 1 - Like I read in another journal on here I have been curious as to if I will become an asshole as I become more and more fearless. I don't think I will become that necessarily but I am sure I will be far more assertive and not at all willing to give in , let someone take advantage of or criticize me, seek approval, or back down from confrontation. I have always hated confrontation and I would love to be able deal with disagreements or people trying to bully me without freezing almost if not instantly. I want to be truly fearless. To be able to face any adversity without getting emotional.

[JCasterlin]

First Cycle Off Day 1  Update - I went back and read the sales page for OF 5.75g and I am thinking that the DRS is causing a person I live with that thoroughly seems to get off on being critical of everyone and bully folks to turn everything into a pissing contest. The dude is a sociopath , narcissistic, and lacks any sort of empathy. He justifies becoming religious for the reason he isn't more of a shitty person. I don't get what's so difficult about admitting you're wrong or the need to chest thump and be the epitome of toxic masculinity. I honestly think that after I go through eight to sixteen months of running OF I am going to purchase and run the individual stages of LTU6. In a world that seems to be intent on being self absorbed and often very delusional I want to continue becoming as mentally , emotionally,  and morally mature as possible

[JCasterlin]

First Cycle Off Day 1 Update to the Update - For most of my life I have compared myself to other people or often was envious when someone else had something I don't. Tonight it just hit me that at this moment I am ok with where my life is at but I want to grow as much as I can to become less of a horrible person. I don't have any desire to compare myself to anyone else. I hope that's permanent. I was telling my wife a bit ago how we know people who I wouldn't want to be a part of there lives at all if possible as bad as that may sound.

[JCasterlin]

First Cycle Last Day Off - I had a dream last night that I poured an entire bucket of some kind of cleaner over the head of a guy I worked with at a temp job I had prior to the quarantine. I don't recall how I felt I just remember roin it. The guy was an incredibly unpleasant person to be around most days. I sort of see this as a step towards losing the fear of standing up for myself or allowing someone to disrespect me or the people I  care about.
I remember @Shannon stating in the sales page for OF that you would look back and wonder how you lived that way. I'm paraphrasing here a bit. I am starting to see that in my own life as I am constantly asking myself how I placed such importance on things or people that I would have been far better off staying the hell away from? Or how I let myself be so afraid or fearful of something so obviously silly?
I spent a lot of years forcing myself to be an extrovert when in reality I would have been so much happier just working, keeping to myself , and doing my own thing. The headaches and drama I could have easily avoided. 
At this point I am embracing minimalism and JOMO ( Joy of missing out) as opposed to FOMO ( fear of missing out) that I allowed myself to feel for most of not all my life. I don't see the point in making myself miserable over anything anymore especially material possessions.

[JCasterlin]

Second Cycle Day One - Ran all six loops while sleeping. I will probably continue to listen that way as it's way easier to get them in that way. Not a whole lot to report other than that.

[JCasterlin]

Second Cycle Day Two - Once again not a whole lot to report other than not feeling as anxious or worrying about everything as much as I usually do. That's definitely something. Definitely feeling calmer. Not feeling so pessimistic although I don't exactly feel hopeful either. I ran the six loops while sleeping again. Feeling far more bored than usual with ways I often distract myself. Thinking and feeling that no matter what I have to get going on an exercise routine I have planned. My body and current energy level does not match my personality at all. Not that I'm outgoing or extroverted the exact opposite actually. I would just rather not feel like I don't have the energy or strength to do what I need to do and take care of the people that rely on me
I am curious if it's bad to want to be almost if not apathetic towards the opinions of others?

[JCasterlin]

Second Cycle Day Two Update - I am starting to realize that at a certain point being or becoming fearless often means being willing to be vulnerable or admit you're wrong or just don't know. In some ways there has to be a higher level of mental and emotional maturity to be fearless because you have to be willing at times to put yourself out there and say you have absolutely no clue as to what is going on. Be willing to admit you have no clue about something. Maybe even be willing admit you have shitty values and beliefs and you have no idea why. Obviously throwing tantrums or having to be right all the time is not healthy. I have no idea where I am going with this so .....

[JCasterlin]

Second Cycle Day Three - Once again not a whole lot to report. I wasn't able to run the loops while I slept so I am running them now. This morning I had to deal with a situation that would normally throw me into a full blown anxiety attack but I handled it and I felt better afterwards. I am now employed again as well which helps let go of some of some stress and worry. Thankfully I work out of my home so I don't have to deal with very many people and their drama and headaches. I'm just incredibly happy to be productive and be contributing. I have also accepted that I don't have to feel obligated to talk or say anything when I don't want to or feel like it.