OGSF5.9G: Time to meet my true self

[MrGnome]

Cycle 5 Day off 1:

Last night I got some stomach pain/cramp.

Luckly it was short even though I got it 4 times but it didn't disturb my sleep too much.

I also noticed that I slightly build up the crave to explore around.

I also start to talk my mind more but sadly without the think before you speak, So I hope I wont get in to much trouble before that thinking part is also fixed hehe.

Although I didn't had a fight with anybody today, It's still seems a good idea to be carefull.

I also got into a sad mood with memories of my mess up's.

But oh well 2 steps forward and 1 step back afterall.

Oh about the pain, No worries I gladly take the pain if it means I keep going.

It's came at a good time because I was starting to forget that I was using an experience to remove trauma's. (Dont worry I didn't miss a single day though.)

Being patient can be hard though but I just keep on going : )

[MrGnome]

Cycle 7 Day on 2:

Okay Last week was Major Stress week why? Because I was playing my 3DS only for Guilt to come up about the fact that I destroyed it's beautifull design by putting it next to shampoo in my back a few years back.

So I bought a new one. Then My stress was telling me about how expensive it was and that I make myself broke. (wich is kinda true but now I'm sure I will get though the month just fine)

Then I stressed about the fact I lost my save file. I even bought the game on cardridge just to make sure it would never happen again. (and even collected amiibo cards to make sure I got the exact same charecters I had in my old save file.)

Later I started to worry I might have lost my exclusive 3ds content (because I brought the originale on day of release) but I still have it thank god.

So it turned out the only thing I really lost were my save files wich was only important for 2 games.. but then I got some brainwave telling me what the big deal is.

Like I got the realization that they are just games, Like I always knew they were games but now it really hitted me about that they are just games and I shouldn't have to worry so much about it and just have fun with it.

I know I still learn or relearn how to relax myself and learn how to stop doom thinking and worry so much about things even more so about things that dont really matter in the end.

To be fair having things always be the same is a part of my autism trait but I know it's not good for me after all good things also come in the form of change.

I guess the point is that I have to Learn to accept change whether is possitive or negative and sometimes you can still fix things or that things are not so bad as you might think.

One thing is for sure. I still got alot to learn and a lot to change myself and I will just keep going and see how things will go in the future : )

[MrGnome]

Cycle 9 Day On 3:

Welp I'm now 2 month's and 1 week into the Exp:

I noticed that my negatives last less time than they used too, Sure I can still get irritated and dissapointed and stuff but it now only last an hour or so instead of a whole day.

I also went to the cinema on my own for the first time ever, Meaning I'm slowly starting to get more self reliant, instead of being depented on invitation from others,

I become more aware of when I'm full when eating but sadly I'm still forcing myself to eat everything, meaning that I'm still not over this fear:

"It sounds to me like the underlying issue is fear in your case. Having your father tell you to eat everything you have would instill a fear of lack of food if you don't eat everything, and telling you to hurry would make it worse by implying that you'll starve if you don't eat it all NOW." Shannon,

However I do begin to start asking question's like: why am I doing this?

I'm full I dont enjoy it anymore so why do I keep going?

Even more so when I already gained, 1,6kg from eastern and my time at cinema (it was the same week afterall)

Am I scared of being critisized by my mother? Yes I know she would be sad that I bought all that food that make me over weight?, Whats the point of being scared of it? It's going to happen because I force myself to eat it all, So I will gain weight anyway.

Is it because she keeps talking about the fact we need to save money? Even then it would be pointless because we already bought the food, So would it really be a waste for throw it away? instead of just forcing myself to keep eating it?

But forcing myself to keep eating even if I'm full will only cause me to gain more weight, So mayby it would be better just to throw it away..

Anyway, I'm serious to see what the rest of the 2 months - 7 days will bring me.

[Shannon]

You may not realize it, but that is major progress for your personality type. Congratulations! I am enjoying seeing you make progress. Keep going!

[MrGnome]

You may not realize it, but that is major progress for your personality type.  Congratulations!  I am enjoying seeing you make progress.  Keep going!

Awesome! : D, I was proud of myself of going to the cinema on my own.  

Also I decided to stop forcing myself to eat it when I get full and no longer enjoy eating. seems like the best thing to do.  

(I wanted to respond yesterday but I got visit from my nephews with whom my interactions also get better.  )

welp, Like I said before in my last post, I can't wait to see what else will improve with the last 2 month's - 1 week.

[Shannon]

You may not realize it, but that is major progress for your personality type.  Congratulations!  I am enjoying seeing you make progress.  Keep going!

Awesome! : D, I was proud of myself of going to the cinema on my own.  

Also I decided to stop forcing myself to eat it when I get full and no longer enjoy eating. seems like the best thing to do.  

(I wanted to respond yesterday but I got visit from my nephews with whom my interactions also get better.  )

welp, Like I said before in my last post, I can't wait to see what else will improve with the last 2 month's - 1 week.

That is huge progress for your personality type!  I am thrilled to hear this.  That really makes me happy.  Think this may need to go into the weight loss program next time I build it.

[MrGnome]

Cycle 11 day off 1:

Okay I know I dont write much about dreams but this one was weird and might have something to do with the exp? since it was the last day on.

I was dreaming about some weird things I sadly dont remember everything but what stayed with me: was that there was a message about time twice the 1st one I forgot but the second one was that time would soon no longer excist or something like that..

Not that People would die or anything,Just that time would soon no longer excist..

Also I remember that I kissed a woman 3 times in that dream.. she also kissed other guys though.. after the third time I kissed her she got caught by the cops who's building mentiont they were anything but straight (the building had all sexuality flags except straight) but I still believed those guys wanted to kiss her themselves (they were with 2..) and just shook it off as not important anyway...

the last thing before I woke up was constantly being teleported to different places inside random buildings..

After I woke up, I felt lighter again.. also it was way to random for my normale dreams to be just normale dreams

Wich means it had to do something with the exp but I dont know what got removed though..

[MrGnome]

Cycle 13 Day on 1:

Welp, Last week I got an operation what resulted in the fact that I can't excercise for 6 weeks (5 weeks now.), Except for walking but I dont think thats good enough to lose the weight needed for my friends wedding.

I'm close to fit my old wedding guest clothes but I just need to lose a little bit more but events kept disrupting me like holiday events and that cinema adventure I talked about earlier.

Now like I said I can't excersise for 5 weeks. (ironicly the same amount of time I have to wait to use HOWL.) so I spent alot of time time worrying about what to do now and a giant fear that everthing would go wrong.

Like having to buy new wedding guest clothes and being forced to go back to work when I'm not fully healed yet. I know my Boss would not do that, it's just my fears messing with me again. (heck mayby it may even be something the last 4 weeks would be spent on.) but I just got an idea randomly comming up with a solution:

I'm going to order stuff for paleo for a while till I can do normale excersice again and use HOWL.

The reason why I stopped with it was just because it was so expensive, However This month is Vacation money month, Where everyone gets more money than normal meaning I can use that cash to spend on paleo related stuff to make up for the fact that I wont be able to excersise for a while.

Hope it will be enough but it's my best option for now and I'm glad I start to think in solution's now even if it might take a few days but it's still then only worrying about it.

So yeah. I hope for a succesfull 5 weeks.

[MrGnome]

Cycle 15 Day on 3:

I have been doing alot of self reflexion lately..

Shanon is right my lack of self esteem IS my BIGGEST issue.

The reason I was a shut in in the first place was because I never had anything to do in my old town and the same applies into the new town I lived in..

I had friends that lived in my old town but they moved away before I did many years later..

The reason why I'm scared to talk to strangers is because I dont know what to talk about with them and my lack of knowledged about anything doesn't help either...
I was also used having people making the first conversation with me... So I guess I never learned how to start it my self..

The Reason I hate being fat is because I dont feel attractive because of it (despite 5 girls being interested in my from age 7-21)

The Reason I never dared to flirt with woman is... Because I dont feel attractive because of my fat and I generally dont know what to talk about with strangers...

The Thought that I might disturb or annoy people doesn't help either..

This is why I'm just staying at Home playing video games, eating food (more then I probbably need) and Fap..

Because I'm... idk.. mayby running away,hiding,coping? it's also why I had a love/hate relationship with my autism (makes reading body language alot harder after all).
It made me feel dumb and stupid and like I would have that fate forever...

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But Lately:

I can atleast say: Hi and good morning to strangers.

I can happily join in my happy neighbor greetings.

I can ask question and try something that might not be a guarentee (Like admitting I made a stupid mistake as I recently did buy buying a sub/exp I already ownt.) and I learned from it thats it's okay to ask questions,
Even if it does make you feel like a dumbass,I also remember it's a one time only and I now will keep better track of what I already bought.

I think more in solutions to my problems now, Even if it can still take a while.

I also feel alot more confident now, Even if it isn't at max level, It's okay.. there are still: Life tune up and Aura of love that can give me the extra push. (and this sub/exp isn't over untill june 15th).

All in all: The fact that I know more about why I do what I do will help me alot..

I also know: That I need to give myself more time and not force myself into things I'm not ready for yet.

I guess I have a secret fear of humanity and it's unpredictablity.

It's okay... Because I know as time will go on everything will go better as I slowly keep asking myself questions.

I dont know if I will be trauma free after the 4 month's but atleast I do know myself better at that moment.

Everything else will be fixed over time: will the many subs/exps I will buy in the future .

So thank you Shannon for making me realise my problems and making these amazing subs/exps that helped me like nothing else in the world could thank you. 

[Shannon]

The secret to making progress for people like you - and I wasn't far off your situation at one time - is to make progress, no matter how little, and keep moving forward. For example, at one time I had social anxiety so bad I couldn't leave my bedroom except to eat, shower and use the bathroom. I couldn't even handle being around my own mother.

I got past that little by little by using my own subs, and finding small opportunities to make progress. Once I got out of my bedroom all the time, I worked on getting out to check the mail. Then I worked on going out to the grocery store. Then I started trying to visit the restaurant at which my friend called trivia nights. I remember being absolutely petrified with fear that first time, but I kept at it and over time, people started talking to me because they'd seen me before and I was familiar enough. Gradually, I became familiar with the restaurant, and the people who worked there, and some of the patrons. And eventually I was comfortable going to that restaurant, even though I wasn't comfortable anywhere else.

Then my friend (his name is Mike) told me the restaurant was closing, and he would be calling trivia at another restaurant. I went there, again petrified because everything was unfamiliar, but this time it was easier. I had some idea what to expect, and in a short period of time, I had made friends with the servers and the people who sat near where I sat. Back then, I always sat in the same place because I was still socially anxious, so it was a way of having familiarity, no matter how small.

Eventually I actually became popular as people started to get to know me, and as I became more and more comfortable and started showing my personality to them. They actually made my table reserved for me, nobody was allowed to sit there on Trivia night but me, and the server I preferred was always there to serve me.

Then he switched restaurants again where he was calling trivia, and this time I was much more comfortable and I didn't need to spend much time getting my bearings because I was relatively familiar with how it worked. I didn't need to sit in the same place anymore and I was able to start making friends and expressing my sense of humor - which is very playful and ridiculous when I'm relaxed. People really enjoyed my sense of humor and they started asking me to sit with their team, or to join mine for trivia night. I even had women start expressing interest in me because they liked my sense of humor and my personality. I even had a few servers start expressing interest, and even gave me their phone numbers eventually.

Mind you, all this took a couple years to play out, but it happened, and it happened because I kept pushing myself just a little bit out of my comfort zone each time I did something. Not enough to scare me back into my shell, but enough to make little steps forward, which added up over time. That's the key: small steps, but always forward. Let yourself become familiar with new people, places and situations at your own pace, and then go from there. If you don't have money to go out to restaurants a lot, then go to places where you can go for free.

Another big thing that I did was I stopped judging myself. I realized that no matter what a person looks like, someone will think you're ugly, someone will think you're beautiful and most people just won't give a fuck, or they'll think you're average. And, I also realized another key fact: what other people think of me does not matter. What matters is what I think of me. So stop judging yourself because you're bigger than you want to be. Stop using it as a convenient excuse to continue hiding from the world. It becomes a vicious cycle for a lot of very emotional people. They fear criticism, so they seek comfort and entertainment in food, which makes them gain weight because they're eating instead of doing. Then they get criticism from people who don't even matter, and they give it way too much importance because they are letting everyone else tell them what to think of themselves (instead of deciding that for themselves) and they then hide and go eat more instead of doing, because they're bored and because the food makes them feel secure for a minute or two. Which makes them gain weight, and reinforces hiding, which reinforces eating instead of doing...

Little steps forward. It's okay to be uncomfortable, just don't try to move faster than you can handle and acclimate to.

I have an idea for you that I think you would really enjoy and it's likely going to be something you'll find hugely entertaining. It's also guaranteed to get people to start talking to you. Go get yourself a metal detector, and get out there with it. Every find is a "What have I found?" moment. And people love to ask questions. Voila, you're out of the house, outside doing instead of eating, and you're having fun, getting exercise and meeting new people. And you can get a great metal detector for not a lot of money if you go look at what Nokta Makro produces. Their Simplex line is great for beginners, and if you have a little more money and or you decide you really enjoy the hobby, then a Nokta Makro Legend is hard to beat. Currently, it's 95% of the capability of the best detectors on the market, and it's a fraction of the price. There are lots of different brands and price levels for metal detectors, but Nokta Makro is hands down the best for value, with their Simplex detectors having features that weren't even on my $1,200+ detectors before Nokta Makro showed up. They an amazing value for the money you spend. And they're hungry, meaning they're pushing hard to get better and competing hard with the best out there. For example, I spent $900 on my Minelab Equinox 800 a few years ago, and the Simplex+ does everything it does, and some things even better, but it's only off by about 1% in terms of finding everything the Equinox 800 can find. It's also in the $200 range. How crazy is that?!

On top of that, metal detecting is a hobby that will actually pay you back if you stick with it. You can find coins, jewelry and even sometimes historical artifacts, depending on where you hunt. If you're in England, you're lucky as hell, because you have literally thousands of years of history that you could be digging up in farm fields and pastures and at the beaches. I live on the "treasure coast" of Florida, but I've never found any treasure. I live in a city that was founded in 1963, and the best I can find in my city is modern coins. I have to go to the beach to find good stuff.

If this interests you, there's a great channel on YouTube that I think you'll find enjoyable to learn from by an Englishman named Joan Allen. Throw his name in with "metal detecting" and you'll find him. Quite informative, even for an old timer like me in this hobby. And entertaining, too. There's lots of channels about metal detecting, and you can learn a lot, but the key is to get the hell out of the house and go find something interesting!

Hope this helps.

[MrGnome]

On top of that, metal detecting is a hobby that will actually pay you back if you stick with it.  You can find coins, jewelry and even sometimes historical artifacts, depending on where you hunt.  If you're in England, you're lucky as hell, because you have literally thousands of years of history that you could be digging up in farm fields and pastures and at the beaches.  I live on the "treasure coast" of Florida, but I've never found any treasure.  I live in a city that was founded in 1963, and the best I can find in my city is modern coins.  I have to go to the beach to find good stuff. 

I live in the Netherlands, wich is still an old country, It's also a small country so there's high chance every artifact may already be found, I also live in the center of the country so no beaches but still it could be fun to try it out someday. (even if I only find 1 euro coins it's stil something).

Cycle 15: Day off 3:

I was able to get back to work yesterday and I felt very different then 3 weeks ago, I felt more confident and less I dont care what people think feeling, also slightly more awake despite being still tired.

Although I do still care though (I got pissed after all after my boss made a joke, making me think my co-workers missed me,When in reality it was the stuff I wasn't able to clean up instead... 

I know your everyday Dutch person would laugh at it but as everyone know I got high self esteem issues.. Luckly I didn't pick a fight with him and just let it go..

I also noticed I had a lot more fights with my Mother lately, makes sense since I talk and react more and thus express my annonences aswell..

[MrGnome]

Little steps forward. It's okay to be uncomfortable, just don't try to move faster than you can handle and acclimate to.

Agree, Luckly I got invited for my Friends wedding yesterday, So I can atleast try to make contact with some new people there..

Even if it's 1,5 month's away from now.

Also I'm thinking to start asking my friends and other friends to hang out, sometime after the wedding and do my own first inniative for the first time.

(also I need to learn how qouting works but I feel like I'm getting closer)

[MrGnome]

so they seek comfort and entertainment in food, which makes them gain weight because they're eating instead of doing. Then they get criticism from people who don't even matter, and they give it way too much importance because they are letting everyone else tell them what to think of themselves (instead of deciding that for themselves) and they then hide and go eat more instead of doing, because they're bored and because the food makes them feel secure for a minute or two. Which makes them gain weight, and reinforces hiding, which reinforces eating instead of doing...

Yeah I also noticed this when I was wondering why I was eating chicken bucket and ice cream when I wasn't hungry..

I told myself: that the chicken bucket was for building muscle (since I use a rowing boat on tuesdays and ring fit adventure on saterdays) and Ice cream to cool myself down.

but I also know it's because of the little bit of dopamine it gives me..

Still if the chicken bucket does work for building muscle than thats atleast a win. : D

(but yeah I should still becarefull since HOWL is only slightly less then 3 weeks away on june 22th..)

[MrGnome]

Last Cycle ending day 4:

I'm done with the 4 months of the experience and now I'm waiting till the week is over so that I can Use HOWL.

OGSF5 has helped me alot, I dont know if it healed everything, since I still struggle with small talk but it's okay.

I still feel more confident than when I started this experience, I even fully complained about the garden hose to my boss (keep in mind that I never had to work out at home) and he would help me out later explaining how to take care of it.

I was also asked to share my beautifull memories about 2 of my best friends who are going to marry soon, I know it sounds weird but it's more about how I put it down than comming up what to write about. So I guess I still have some kinda fear about

comming across as stupid or doing it wrong, yet at the same time I did more reckless things at home to fix a bathroom probleme I would never have done before out of fear of breaking it and yet it went pretty well.

So I would say: despite the fact that not everything is healed, It still did heal ALOT and there are plenty of future experiences that will help me out alot too but I have to do HOWL (and maybe GHO if that one can make pernament hormone changes from the one I got from childhood obesity) first before I get to them : )

It also helps that OGSF5 made me stop eating when I'm full, So I only got the dont eat when you're not hungry part but I'm sure things will go right : )