OGSF2: TIME TO FACE MY TRUE SELF

[MrGnome]

Less self censoring is an opportunity to learn how to find a balance between complaining and asserting your needs.  Frustrations and irritations tell you something's wrong.  Whether it's something you need to change about yourself, or something you rightfully should be asking someone else to change, that's the key to understand.  Then you learn how to best express yourself.  Progress.

Yeah you're right, I need to find a way to express my anger without going into fighting mode..

[MrGnome]

Day 129:

I feel weird.. I'm having alot of mood swings lately at one point I'm happy and later I'm tired,depressed and insecure again..

Also my emotionale eating got worse..

Most likely the effect of resistence who wanted me to stop the sub/exp since my 3th month in..

So, All I have to do is keep going and take those 2 steps forward and 1 step back..

Edit: Okay! There is definitely Fear in the game as well..

[MrGnome]

Day 143:

Welp my summer vacation is finally starting, Not that it has anything to do with what I'm going to talk about but still..

My wish to make my own video games is becomming stronger.. However I'm still entraped in fear and high self doubt..

Pretty much fearing I will never start doing it nor being able to do it in the first place because I cant:

Draw Characters, Cant compose Music, Doubt I'm good at story writing mayby average at best..

I quess I can learn to code but it's not going to be easy since things are going to be hard to understand fast..

Mayby I could start simple by making a visuale novel game and learn how to draw first...

It's weird some part of me tell me to give up, Because I can't do it no matter how badly I want it.. But another Part tells me I should go for it.

Even more so after a friend of mine became succesfull with her dream of becoming a voice actress.. Wich honestly is really inspiring..

Oh well, to be fair I would never know if I dont try it.. Mayby one day after SD or AM6..

[Shannon]

Day 143:

Welp my summer vacation is finally starting, Not that it has anything to do with what I'm going to talk about but still..

My wish to make my own video games is becomming stronger.. However I'm still entraped in fear and high self doubt..

Pretty much fearing I will never start doing it nor being able to do it in the first place because I cant:

Draw Characters, Cant compose Music, Doubt I'm good at story writing mayby average at best..

I quess I can learn to code but it's not going to be easy since things are going to be hard to understand fast..

Mayby I could start simple by making a visuale novel game and learn how to draw first...

It's weird some part of me tell me to give up, Because I can't do it no matter how badly I want it.. But another Part tells me I should go for it.

Even more so after a friend of mine became succesfull with her dream of becoming a voice actress.. Wich honestly is really inspiring..

Oh well, to be fair I would never know if I dont try it.. Mayby one day after SD or AM6..

There is a difference between giving up and being realistic.  Realistically, it is most likely not a "one person job" to make video games anymore, because many people are good at one of those requirements, but not more than that.  That would mean that it is likely that your desire is based on a faulty premise, that you need to learn all of those skills.  If you learn one of those skills really well, you might find a job doing what you desire as a member of a team.    But you probably want to make video games because you think it'll be fun; the reality is, it's a lot of work.

If you really want to do that, pick one of those skills and master it.  Then see about getting a job making video games as that specialty within a group emplyed by a company that makes video games.  Otherwise, you might want to consider some other direction.

[MrGnome]

Day 143:

Welp my summer vacation is finally starting, Not that it has anything to do with what I'm going to talk about but still..

My wish to make my own video games is becomming stronger.. However I'm still entraped in fear and high self doubt..

Pretty much fearing I will never start doing it nor being able to do it in the first place because I cant:

Draw Characters, Cant compose Music, Doubt I'm good at story writing mayby average at best..

I quess I can learn to code but it's not going to be easy since things are going to be hard to understand fast..

Mayby I could start simple by making a visuale novel game and learn how to draw first...

It's weird some part of me tell me to give up, Because I can't do it no matter how badly I want it.. But another Part tells me I should go for it.

Even more so after a friend of mine became succesfull with her dream of becoming a voice actress.. Wich honestly is really inspiring..

Oh well, to be fair I would never know if I dont try it.. Mayby one day after SD or AM6..

There is a difference between giving up and being realistic.  Realistically, it is most likely not a "one person job" to make video games anymore, because many people are good at one of those requirements, but not more than that.  That would mean that it is likely that your desire is based on a faulty premise, that you need to learn all of those skills.  If you learn one of those skills really well, you might find a job doing what you desire as a member of a team.    But you probably want to make video games because you think it'll be fun; the reality is, it's a lot of work.

If you really want to do that, pick one of those skills and master it.  Then see about getting a job making video games as that specialty within a group emplyed by a company that makes video games.  Otherwise, you might want to consider some other direction.

Yeah I guess.., It's just I have many fun game idea's and I just hate the fact that I can't make it reality (yet)..

[MrGnome]

Welp Yesterday was my last day of OGSFv2:

I have to say the last 3 month's were a challenge where I just wanted to stop but stopping subs/exps is not my thing : P,

Yesterday was funny enough the most interesting one..

When I was done with work I ran to the wrong bus. (I was in a hurry for a package being delivered..)

So when I found out I stepped out the first stop, Wich resulted in me having to walk back to the last bus station wich was mainly road...

Luckly there was some grass on the road where I could walk and somehow was able to get back just in time for the right bus. (the interesting part of this is that in the past I had a huge fear of crossing a road without jaywalks but I have to say I handled it pretty good)

also all of this happend during heavy raining..

Luckly I was able to get the package..

Same night using the sub/exp for the last time I was thinking about death again..

not about wanting to die but the opposite this time about how scary and creepy it would be to be gone one day..

It also made me scared of my dark home that day hehe..

so yeah that was Yesterday..

In generale I also found out that most of my fears shame and guilt are based on low Self esteem and Self confidence meaning I really need to use SD next week.

even though I'm able to express myself alot more and even being able to correct my nephews a few times (although to be fair I used to be more scared of my Sister and my Brothers wife and I used to be for my 2 nephews them selfs)

I'm still trying to figure out what an Uncles job is to begin with.. (the wonders of being the youngest sibling hehe xD)

I also have this weird thing were at one point I fully believe everything will be okay and everything will be horrible in the future..

I'm sure SD and both AM will fix this though.. I also learned that I need to stop expecting things to be ultra perfect though..

This is in Part of my Impatient nature though.. Like expecting that package being able to cooldown my whole house (it does purify air at 10km disstance after all..)

So I told myself that I'm going to use SD and AM7 more than once so that I can fix my problems at a more peacefull pace..

as Shannon said:
"I don't want you to try to grow too fast. That's like trying to heal too fast, and it doesn't usually end with the desired results. Yes, grow. Yes, push yourself. No, don't back yourself into a situation that makes you lose all hope and want to die as your only perceived escape!"

and he is right so i'm going to spend more runs with future subs..

[Frosted]

I also noticed a focus on death during OGSF and OGSF2. It was like I was dying before I died. I’m also interested in making games. You can do it if you do it smart and scope down, doesn’t mean it’s easy though.

[MrGnome]

I also noticed a focus on death during OGSF and OGSF2. It was like I was dying before I died. I’m also interested in making games. You can do it if you do it smart and scope down, doesn’t mean it’s easy though.

Thanks, I notice that I still have that Running away fear attitude that I hope to resolve later... 

Also do you think the reason Death shows up is because most people fear death to begin with?

[Frosted]

I also noticed a focus on death during OGSF and OGSF2. It was like I was dying before I died. I’m also interested in making games. You can do it if you do it smart and scope down, doesn’t mean it’s easy though.

Thanks, I notice that I still have that Running away fear attitude that I hope to resolve later... 

Also do you think the reason Death shows up is because most people fear death to begin with?

To my understanding, Death shows up because that’s all fear is at the root of it. All fear traces back to the fear of death.

[RTBoss]

Thanks, I notice that I still have that Running away fear attitude that I hope to resolve later... 

Also do you think the reason Death shows up is because most people fear death to begin with?

To my understanding, Death shows up because that’s all fear is at the root of it. All fear traces back to the fear of death.

I would venture to add that death can represent change, and change can be scary for a lot of people.  People generally fear the unknown.  Change usually indicates unknown territory & experiences.

[MrGnome]

To my understanding, Death shows up because that’s all fear is at the root of it. All fear traces back to the fear of death.

I would venture to add that death can represent change, and change can be scary for a lot of people.  People generally fear the unknown.  Change usually indicates unknown territory & experiences.

That is true and one of my autism trait is being attached to my habbits, So it makes sense that it would show up. 

even though it does make me wonder why it only shows up only once.. (the time before that was entertaining thoughts of killing myself off as a results of alot of disappointments in a row..) 

hmm mayby future subs/exps can give me an answer afterall I did spent alot of time in tiredness (wich I guess ment alot of resistance..)

[Shannon]

Building on what RTB said, death is the Ultimate Unknown for most people. The unknown is the ultimate breeding ground for fear. It is where "what if" can flourish, regardless of how ridiculous it gets.

I think it is possible to extrapolate that all fear, including fear of death, is rooted in the fear of the unknown. It makes a lot of sense, especially when you consider that fear usually disappears when we shine the light of knowledge on it.

[MrGnome]

That is very true.

Also I feel weird and awkward because right now I'm standing eye to eye with my insecurities

I guess my results so far have thrown away my mask either that or could this be TID?

I never really knew what it felt like before and this Saterday Night I can finally start using SD..

not gonna lie, I still want to run away from it.. but at the same time I know I will have to deal with it.. Mainly with SD and AM..

I know I'm going to feel great once I'm no longer insecure about everything : )

[Shannon]

Standing to face your fears instead of hiding from them is serious progress. Congratulations. It's not an easy journey, but nobody achieves their potentials without taking this journey. Those who are on this journey, they get my respect for that.