OFv3 - Only I will Remain...Reloaded

[NOMAD]

Day 59

I imagine fear existing as three tiers. These tiers progress from the simplest/outermost fears to the most complex/innermost fears. Each of these tiers consists of sub-tiers like levels in a video game. Each tier and sub-tier is increasingly difficult to overcome due to the depth and robustness of its root. According to this image,  I feel like I'm at the final level of the simplest/outermost tier. It's not uncomfortable, but it's a fight.

I disagree with your concept of how the fears are structured and work.  Based on what I have seen and experienced, the simplest fears are the deepest and most difficult to deal with, because they arise from the most primitive parts of the awareness operating out of the most primitive parts of the brain.  They are built upon by other parts of the awareness with more awareness, which allows for more complex fears, and those are in turn built on by more aware parts capable of even more complex fears.

The issue we face in removing fears is not how complex they are; it's how primitive and irrational the awareness is at the level of the root fear.  Thus, the deeper we go, the harder it gets to deal with and remove the fear because the part of you experiencing the fear becomes less and less capable of thinking instead of acting instinctually.

That is not to say we cannot remove the root fears.  It's just a slow and challenging process right now.

Fair enough.

My main point was that I imagine a tier system that is increasingly difficult to overcome and that I believe I'm at a point of transitioning between two tiers.

I'm just offering you some alternative ideas to consider.  : I have pretty good confidence in the way I have modeled my understanding so far, but I don't pretend to know everything or be absolutely certain.

I absolutely appreciate your insights. They always give me things to ponder and I've learned quite a bit about myself and my mind since I found this forum years ago.

Anything I note here is my simple take on what's going on. In reality, it's mostly intuition, feeling, and in the end it's all speculation. I attempt to be clear enough in what I'm experiencing so you can extract whatever data you find beneficial to tech development. One potential key to unlocking the data in my posts is that I tend to think in imagery and metaphor. Sometimes, that's hard to communicate through words.

[NOMAD]

Day 62

RTBoss mentioned "skeletons" in his journal and it reminded me of some similar experiences that I've had over the past few weeks. One night, I had a flash of an experience from my younger years where I had done something that I'm not proud of. In my awake state, I can't remember what it was, but I was deeply ashamed and my anxiety was through the roof. That issue has subsided.

Another instance was when I was at work. My mind had wondered off and another experience from my younger years arose. I partially remember this one. I was completely abusing someone with my words and I was doing it intentionally. It was coming from a place of emotional pain and my verbal abuse temporarily took me out of that pain to to a place of power. At the time that this "skeleton" arose, I knew who I was talking to, where I was, my age, etc. As I type this, I can't remember any of that. What I do remember is the guilt and the shame that  I felt. How could I do that to someone? How could this person ever forgive me? Do I even deserve to be forgiven? Why? I thought that if this person could see how much I've grown since that moment that maybe it would help make things right between us. Since I don't remember who it was, I'll have to settle for using this as an opportunity to understand myself then and in this moment.

I've done things that I consider to be very wrong. But instead of blocking it all out to preserve whatever 'precious image' that I try to present to the world and to myself, I need to accept that I've messed up (badly in some cases) and use those experiences to gain understanding of the various aspects of myself. The "me" that was so mean many years ago still exists. I've just locked him away because I'm scared of him. Why? Because on one end of the spectrum, I tend to view emotional pain as weakness. On the other end of the spectrum, I tend to view lashing out as psychotic. But how much havoc and turbulence has that "me" caused in my life because he hasn't had his chance to be heard and understood?

Thank you @RTBoss  for your post on this subject. It's really helping me to ponder my own similar experiences.

[Shannon]

Anyone who has lived for long enough has done things they regret, feel bad about, are ashamed of, etc. The key is to use those experiences to learn and become a better person for having made those mistakes and paid that price. Neither knowledge nor wisdom is cheap, or easily had for most people.

[NOMAD]

Day 67

While driving home from work today, I found myself reminiscing about a window of time in my early 20s. The memories were really fun and I felt really good as I sifted through them. The funny thing is, I've often looked at this point in my life as a low point. But today, my mind focused on the positive experiences. This is the second time that this has happened to me in the past few weeks. It's like I'm looking at the same set of experiences through a different lens than I typically do.

As for sub usage...Anxiety hit me hard last Sunday and Monday. So I increased my loops to two on Monday night. I woke up in the middle of the night feeling panicked, so I ran another loop. Since then, I've been running two loops per night. Yesterday was going to be a day off, but I kept going because was craving more. The same goes for today. I want more, so I'm not going to start my break yet. I'm feeling hints of motivation creep through occasionally, particularly with regard to fitness. I'm not training for a Spartan race or anything, but I've been getting in a set or two of some light exercise here and there. Before, it was nothing but sitting here on my lazy behind.

[NOMAD]

Day 68

I'm facing some deep insecurities today. They're from the same source that the extreme anxiety on Sunday and Monday. These insecurities involve love, romance, marriage, etc. When I feel deeply, I have a tendency to withdraw to protect myself. This is a practice I've developed over the years in response to emotionally painful experiences. The problem with this is that it pushes away the very people the I want to be close to. On one hand, I want to feel wanted, desired, nurtured, needed, and loved. On the other hand, I'm sending the signals that I actually do want the exact opposite. I'm sometimes even delusional enough to believe that. In fact, I've even mentioned wanting to be left alone and anti-social tendencies in this journal. At the time, that's exactly how I felt, at least on the surface.

OFv3 is breaking down the fears that caused these delusions to begin with. Now it's exposing the deeper fears and I'm feeling the flood of emotions that comes along with that revelation. In one post, I mentioned feeling like I was transitioning between two tiers (the easiest ones) of fear. Maybe I just leveled up. If so, the first stage of the real battles is about to begin. I have a feeling that I'm not going to use less than two hybrid loops from here on.

[NOMAD]

Day 69

After having some pretty intense anxiety yesterday morning, I decided to totally bombard my subconscious with loops last night. I built a playlist of 10 loops, but ended up only doing 4. I had multiple dreams, but I only remember the last one. It was night time and my family was asleep. My dogs were barking like crazy so I went to see what they were barking at. When I opened the door, a tall shadowy figure brushed past me. This dude had to duck to walk in the door, so I estimate that he was ~8-9ft tall. I tried to stop him but couldn't. I yelled to alert my sleeping family that there was an intruder, but nothing was coming out of my mouth. I continued to try to yell and to stop this guy. Then I felt my wife touch my shoulder and ask if I'm okay. I had been moaning in my sleep (trying to yell). A few minutes later, my 4th loop ended. I had a bit of a headache, so I stopped there instead of finishing the 10 I initially intended to listen to.

This morning, I woke up wanting more loops. I'm at the 45min mark as I type this. This particular loop feels different to me. It feels similar to the stages of LTU6 that I described as nourishing. I really like it and I might go with another loop. Last night was my 5th night on without a break. I realize that I'll need to stop the input at some point because the data will start backing up. I just don't feel like I'm there yet. A week ago I wouldn't have been able to handle this amount of input. I don't fully understand what's going on, but I'll stick with the urges. It feels like rough patches trigger my desire for more input. In the past it was the exact opposite. Instead of wanting more, I either wanted less or to stop completely. Assuming that's a result of the scripting, and I assume it is, Shannon has really outdone himself here. It's like the script is scaling itself accordingly. That's why I said that I don't expect to use less than 2 loops for here on. In the end, it might be 3 or 4 or 5 or...as I get to the really deep stuff.

[Shannon]

Nobody knows better than you do what you need to do to accomplish the program goals. That's why I created the AutoConfig scripting, and why I favor it over the instructions. I am limited in what I can know. But you know everything you need to know to configure the program the way you need to in order for it to work for you. I'm eventually going to increase the power of the AutoConfig module significantly.

Just a word of caution here for the general reader. Unless you're getting urges from AutoConfig execution, don't just randomly do 5 or 10 loops because you're curious. Follow the gradual increase I have specified. I think a limit of 3 loops, at this point, is probably not a good upper limit, though, so when you're increasing loops each ASRB2 cycle, just keep going until you run out of time or energy before increasing days on.

[NOMAD]

Nobody knows better than you do what you need to do to accomplish the program goals.  That's why I created the AutoConfig scripting, and why I favor it over the instructions.  I am limited in what I can know.  But you know everything you need to know to configure the program the way you need to in order for it to work for you.  I'm eventually going to increase the power of the AutoConfig module significantly.

I've been pretty pleased with autoconfig as it is, but I can see how it would benefit from more power. This past week, it didn't seem to kick in until I increased my loops from one to two. The very next day, I wanted more input. The same thing happened when I listened to four loops a couple of nights ago. I woke up craving input and listened to three more which left my brain feeling saturated.


I suspect that my subconscious was resisting the autoconfig portion of the script. But when I increased the input, the script plowed through that resistance and the autoconfig was in full effect.

[NOMAD]

Day 70

I took a break last night. Today I feel really mellow. That's a far cry from the anxiety I've been dealing with this past week. When I woke up, I rolled over and snuggled with my wife. I don't remember the last time I did that. It has been a while. It was nice. The significance of that is touched on a few posts up. Those extra loops of OFv3 helped propel me in the right direction but there's still something in me fighting against it.

Unless the urge for more input hits me, I'll most likely take another night of then increase nightly loops to three. I'm stepping  into the outer fringes of territory that really scares me. I have a feeling that bouts of increased loops is going to become a regular thing in the very near future.

[NOMAD]

Day 71

I had some of the best sex of my life last night. Not only was the act itself great, but the pillow talk was pretty badass. I'll spare you the juicy details,  but let's just say that my wife was very complimentary of my size and my skills. I'm pretty sure I was strutting around like a rooster afterward. Immediately after my wife cleaned up, she straddled me and kept telling me that she couldn't believe how horny I was making her. Then we made out like a couple of teenagers.

The anxiety I had last week was built around deeper fears concerning relationships, love, marriage, etc. I believe that the amazing intimacy was a direct result of overcoming some of those fears. I recognized this while my wife was all over me damned near sucking my face off. I even chuckled about it at one point. This was crazy.

I start my loops again tonight.

[NOMAD]

Day 81

I've been dealing with some inner demons lately. It has been rough at times, but I seem to be mostly in the clear. I woke up early today and worked out. I also figured out my meal plan so I can get myself back on track fitness-wise. I've been doing some half-ass exercises for a couple of weeks, but it's time to set and stick to a planned routine. That way I can hold myself accountable. Oddly enough, I feel motivated but not fanatical. As I've noted elsewhere in this journal, I've habitually oscillated back and forth from one extreme to the other throughout my life. Now, I'll do it with a healthier mentality. I don't have some unrealistic/unsustainable ideal in my mind, so that helps.

Today I read a post about UMSv2 that intrigued me. I've been considering the use of UMSv2 as my next sub for a while now. The thing is, it's not something that I was ever interested in prior to running the OF-series (mainly v3). I suppose that OFv3 has cleared enough fear from my path that I recognize the UMS goals as a real possibility, where before I was blind to it. Why the blindness? Because I'm satisfied with my income. Because I love my work schedule. Because until recently, I haven't been able to entertain the possibility of doing any better. That's about it. Why am I reconsidering? Because I don't enjoy my work. Because I would love to have multiple income streams. Because I'm interested in exploring possibilities that I hadn't considered. Because I would love to be my own boss doing something that I love to do and something that I do well. Because the possibilities could very well be endless once the shackles are removed. Because frankly, I want those shackles removed regardless of the outcome.

Today, I closed my eyes and allowed myself to ponder what I would do if I had lots of money. At first it was difficult. Finally, I got into it. I felt joy and I felt freedom.

OFv3 is doing a fine job at dissolving the mental prison I've built. Instead of constantly looking at those dull gray walls, I'm beginning to get a glimpse at what's off in the distance. It still has quite a bit of work to do, though. OFv3 isn't done with me yet.

[NOMAD]

Day 82

For the past few ASRB2 cycles, I've been using 3-4 hybrid loops at 3-5 days on / 1-2 days off, depending on how I'm feeling.

I haven't felt like journaling lately. Last night's entry was forced, but I wanted to check in since it had been a while. Today is a different. The possibilities associated with ultimate monetary success are on my mind in full force. In addition to being a potential avenue toward a more fulfilling life for me, the surplus could give me the means to take care of some issues withing my family. While I've been (mostly) responsible and done fairly well for myself, I can't say the same for others. I don't condone or excuse foolish decisions and I despise the victim mentality. I do, however, believe in second chances, particularly when there's clear evidence that an individual understands the full gravity of his poor decisions and is fighting to better himself.

OFv3 is showing me how closed off I've been from possibility. There was a time that I couldn't see that about myself, but it's becoming clearer and clearer to me. This revelation hasn't come without turmoil, though. It's amazing how hard I've fought (and continue to fight) against myself so that I don't see possibility. Thankfully, the blinders are gradually fading.

[NOMAD]

Day 83

When I woke up this morning, I began thinking about UMSv2, possible income sources, etc. Then the anxiety came. Taking steps outside of my financial comfort zone scares me. So, I listened to a loop of OFv3 which put me at ease.

I just had another round of amazing sex. Later, my wife said playfully, "I think you got me pregnant." The humor in that comes from the fact that I had a vasectomy years ago. She was complimenting the act.

I intend to run OFv3 through the 6 month mark at the very least. It's possible that I'll extend the run to 9 months. I highly doubt I'll make it to 12 months. Eventually, boredom is bound to kick in. I also expect progress to slow pretty significantly at some point as the program gets to root of the more primal fears. At that point, it might make more sense to switch to a more targeted program to allow a specific set of fears to be addressed. I'm just 'thinking out loud' here.

As I've noted before UMSv2 is very appealing to me. E5 is also. The draw of E5, for me, is based on my sub experiences starting with LTU5 up through OFv3. What do I mean by that? I'm going to spare everybody the long-winded version of this. I'll simply say that there are things that I am 100% convinced that subs can accomplish. There also things that I think largely fall within the realm of fantasy land. After mostly unsuccessful (celeb vibe was pretty badass) runs of DMSI, I made the switch to what I felt was a more practical sub. That was LTU5. After that, it was LTU6. After that it OFv2. After that, it was OFv3. All of these have been run in succession and have been life changing at the core of my being. I've got a long way to go, but I'm stronger than I've ever been internally. The stronger I become, the more peace I find regardless of the circumstances I find myself in. I also see situations and people more clearly. There are men that I admired once upon a time who I now view as overgrown children. Some of these men are many years my elder. Where I once saw wisdom, now I see fear and immaturity. Inwardly, I find myself on equal footing with people that are 'technically' my superior in one way or another. They see it too. It's obvious in how I'm treated. I'm often consulted for my insights and I'm often confided in due to their frustrations, anxieties, etc. In many ways, I'm more internally developed than they are. I see it and they do too. I was recently told in a performance evaluation that one of the top level corporate king ding-a-lings "thinks I walk on water" (direct quote). This is all due to the gradual building/reinforcing of a foundation that never existed prior to LTU5. Although UMSv2 appeals to me in a major way, the foundational subs have done an amazing job and I can only imagine how much farther they can take me. I'm not getting rich, but I'm achieving smaller, subtler victories that I often don't even recognize until I look back on where I came from. These subtle victories are where the aforementioned peace resides. Based on my sub experience, E5 seems to be the next logical step after OFv3. AM7 seems to be the next logical step after that. But damn...the temptation of UMSv2 is really strong. That was a bit more long-winded than I intended to be.

[NOMAD]

Day 90

I had a couple of rough days at the beginning of the week, but those are gone. Things feel pretty settled now and my focus has changed from an almost overwhelming desire for $$$ back to grounded self-improvement, particularly with regard to fitness and health.

With the exception of last night, I've been true to my diet and exercise program this week. I even added compound barbell lifts back in. I haven't lifted in years, so I'm having to ease back into it. My joints aren't as young as they used to be. Fortunately, I have a healthier mentality than I've ever had, so easing back into it all isn't a huge struggle. I'm also stretching more and doing regular short cardio exercises multiple times during the day.

I'm taking more pride in how I look, even when I'm home alone. I'm actually putting on clothes that I might wear out in public versus looking like a scrub. It feels good. The crazy thing about it all is that I used to pay attention to my physical appearance because I feared looking ugly. As that fear faded another fear took its place. This is when I let myself go. Now I seem to be at the point where both of these fears (and probably more that I haven't identified) have been mostly overcome. I'm focusing on my physical appearance again  but not because I fear being ugly. I'm doing it because it feels good. It feels healthy. I enjoy the sense of accomplishment from waking up early in the morning to lift, work up a sweat, and to set the trajectory of success for the rest of the day.

Fear vs fear been the story of my life. In large part, my successes have come because one fear (i.e. fear of failure) was stronger than the opposing fear. Now I see that I can be successful at something without any level of fear in the mix. Up until now, this has been a theoretical concept for me. I'm happy to actually see it in practice.