OFv3 - Only I will Remain...Reloaded

[MegaMan]

Nice journal NOMAD, have been reading for some time.

For the past few weeks, I haven't been drinking as much coffee. I used to have 3-4 cups a day. Now, 2 cups is pushing it. I'm finding that I don't need it. If it's sub related, my guess is that I have less fear siphoning off my energy.

Concerning the coffee intake, I have also observed that when the task does not invoke fear I don't need the coffee. Accordingly, I have noted that coffee helps me when I am daunting a task and procrastinating.
Had some days where I was very productive with 0 caffeine while on MLS4. My normal intake is 1 to 2 cups per day.

Wishing you victory over fear
MM

[NOMAD]

Nice journal NOMAD, have been reading for some time.

For the past few weeks, I haven't been drinking as much coffee. I used to have 3-4 cups a day. Now, 2 cups is pushing it. I'm finding that I don't need it. If it's sub related, my guess is that I have less fear siphoning off my energy.

Concerning the coffee intake, I have also observed that when the task does not invoke fear I don't need the coffee. Accordingly, I have noted that coffee helps me when I am daunting a task and procrastinating.
Had some days where I was very productive with 0 caffeine while on MLS4. My normal intake is 1 to 2 cups per day.

Wishing you victory over fear
MM

Thanks man. I'm wishing us all victory over fear as well.

[NOMAD]

Day 45

Last night was my first "on" night (two hybrid loops) after a two day break. I didn't experience any anxiety this morning like I did during my last cycle, so that's nice. The antisocial tendencies are still there. At work, I enjoy keeping to myself. I find myself irritated when someone interrupts my train of thought, particularly since I've been making headway on a pet project.

The hybrid loops are definitely pushing me. I sleep well, but I also get very sleepy a few hours before my bedtime. The sleepiness usually deepens my moodiness. I've been allowing myself an extra hour of sleep this week but it hasn't stopped the intense evening fatigue. When I started my "on" night (last night), I considered backing the loops off to one. But before I do that, I want to get a good feel for what two loops is doing before I reduce the input. I plan on at least one more cycle of two loops, then I'll reevaluate. It's a long weekend, so I should be able to get whatever extra sleep I might need.

[NOMAD]

Day 48

For the past two days, I've woke up hot, sweating, and trembling. I'm sleeping really deeply and I'm getting lots of bed time. i haven't had to work for a few days, so I've slept for 12-13 hours every night this weekend. It feels like OFv3 is using my sleep time to really dig in and do its thing.

After a two day break, I'll begin my loops again tonight. I feel like two loops is bordering on too much input. It's tough enough when I'm able to sleep for 12-13 hours, but I can't do that when I have a work day following. I'll most likely reduce the loops to one, but I don't know whether that will start tonight or during the next cycle.

On a positive note, I haven't felt any cravings for alcohol in at least a week. I've had a few social drinks this weekend, but nothing more. The last time that I can recall losing my taste for alcohol like this was during a run of DMSI (v3.0.1, I think).

[NOMAD]

Day 49

Last night I decided to reduce the loops to one. I had to. The fatigue was too much. Considering how much better I felt today, I think it was the right decision for now. I suspect that I'll return to two (or more) loops in the future, but one hybrid loop is as much as I can handle for now.

I had some anxiety earlier today. It wasn't directed at anything in particular and it wasn't anything earth shattering, but it was definitely present. I just sat with it for a while, allowing myself to feel and observe it until it left my awareness. Other than that I can't say that I've felt anything that seems to be fear based.

[NOMAD]

Day 52

I start my loops again tonight after a two day break. OFv3 has my brain pretty well loaded,  even at one loop. I didn't sleep well for the first three nights after reducing the loops from two to one,  but last night I  was knocked out. Also, my morning anxiety is gone. Since I've been using the hybrid format, it seems like my upset subconscious has used loop reduction as a desperate attempt to fight back against the script until it finally runs out of gas and gives up the fight.

Although I'm tired today, I'm feeling hints of "I can do anything" . It's a new feeling and it's barely noticeable,  but it's there. That's progress. I have a feeling that if OFv3 can really accomplish all of what it's intended to do then the results are going to be pretty damned spectacular.

[NOMAD]

Day 56

I had my 2nd tidal wave dream last night. I was standing on a beach backed by a sea wall. The wave was approaching  laterally along that sea wall. I decided that if I could get ahead of where the wave crested that I might avoid being pummeled to death by the tumbling force of the water.  Somehow, I pulled it off and found myself standing safely on top of the sea wall. Several people didn't survive.

As I type this, I'm feeling a sense of renewal. It's the exact feeling I had in high school when I put rims on my car and thought I was hot shit. It was summer time.  I can still smell the tire shop. I can still see those wheels gleaming in the sun. I can feel those hot ass cracked seats on my legs. I can feel the sun beating down on my arm as it hangs out the window. In my adult life, I've looked back on those years as being emotionally painful. That's still true to an extent. But it wasn't 100% painful 100% of the time. There were good times...really good times and good memories that follow. In my adult life, I've learned to apply a psychological filter to remove excitement, hope, dreams, etc. from my experience. Why?...to protect me from the disappointment that inevitably follows. It seems that OFv3 is beginning to dissolve the reason(s) for developing that filter to begin with. I feel like OFv3 is prying an old a door open that has been stuck for years. So far, the opening is only a crack but the light on the other side looks very promising. 

I'm continuing with one hybrid loop 2on:2off.

[NOMAD]

Day 59

I imagine fear existing as three tiers. These tiers progress from the simplest/outermost fears to the most complex/innermost fears. Each of these tiers consists of sub-tiers like levels in a video game. Each tier and sub-tier is increasingly difficult to overcome due to the depth and robustness of its root. According to this image,  I feel like I'm at the final level of the simplest/outermost tier. It's not uncomfortable, but it's a fight.

Fear has had a push/pull effect on me with regard to physical fitness for years. I tend to be an "all or nothing" kind of guy. I'm either going to have a perfect routine and be ripped or I'm not going to waste my time... I'll just stay flabby. I think this is rooted in a deep-seated fear of failure. I either muster up enough energy to make sure I succeed by going all in or i don't even try. I justify this outlook with mind games...if i don't try, i don't fail. As I get older and slightly wiser, I  realize more and more that this outlook is a failure-based mentality. That ultimately means that avoiding something due to fear of failure means that I'm accepting failure by default. That's a pretty simple truth that I've wrestled against for as long as I can remember. I perpetually allow "perfection " to get in the way of "good enough" and end up experiencing "nothing at all"...pathetic. Given that background, I decided yesterday that I would start taking steps toward getting back in shape. I hadn't worked out my diet plan but figured I would consciously reduce my calorie intake to jump start the practice of self-discipline. Before bed, a ravenous craving for something sweet hit me. Before I even realized what was happening I had eaten an apple coated in peanut butter and a huge bowl of ice cream. So much for self-discipline. While falling asleep, I went inside my mind to observe what was going on. That's when i realized that I'm in a struggle to level up to the next tier of fear. Apparently my half-hearted attempt at discipline triggered a fear response which, in turn, sabotaged my initial effort (if you even want to call it that). In the end,  I can overcome it with proper planning but this post really isn't about fitness. It's about overcoming fear a d where I believe I am in that journey.

[Johannesbrst]

Day 59

I imagine fear existing as three tiers. These tiers progress from the simplest/outermost fears to the most complex/innermost fears. Each of these tiers consists of sub-tiers like levels in a video game. Each tier and sub-tier is increasingly difficult to overcome due to the depth and robustness of its root. According to this image,  I feel like I'm at the final level of the simplest/outermost tier. It's not uncomfortable, but it's a fight.

Fear has had a push/pull effect on me with regard to physical fitness for years. I tend to be an "all or nothing" kind of guy. I'm either going to have a perfect routine and be ripped or I'm not going to waste my time... I'll just stay flabby. I think this is rooted in a deep-seated fear of failure. I either muster up enough energy to make sure I succeed by going all in or i don't even try. I justify this outlook with mind games...if i don't try, i don't fail. As I get older and slightly wiser, I  realize more and more that this outlook is a failure-based mentality. That ultimately means that avoiding something due to fear of failure means that I'm accepting failure by default. That's a pretty simple truth that I've wrestled against for as long as I can remember. I perpetually allow "perfection " to get in the way of "good enough" and end up experiencing "nothing at all"...pathetic. Given that background, I decided yesterday that I would start taking steps toward getting back in shape. I hadn't worked out my diet plan but figured I would consciously reduce my calorie intake to jump start the practice of self-discipline. Before bed, a ravenous craving for something sweet hit me. Before I even realized what was happening I had eaten an apple coated in peanut butter and a huge bowl of ice cream. So much for self-discipline. While falling asleep, I went inside my mind to observe what was going on. That's when i realized that I'm in a struggle to level up to the next tier of fear. Apparently my half-hearted attempt at discipline triggered a fear response which, in turn, sabotaged my initial effort (if you even want to call it that). In the end,  I can overcome it with proper planning but this post really isn't about fitness. It's about overcoming fear a d where I believe I am in that journey.

Perhaps what you are doing is that one part of you, being a more fluid part disliking rules is revolting against the other part of you who want to "discipline" yourself, bouncing from one part to the other, each one trying to have their way.

What I have noticed regarding taking care of my health is to stick to small steps and being kind to myself. There is really no need to have a super-strict regimen to be healthy, rather to achieve a balance between pleasure and exercise. Letting yourself enjoy eating and develop a healthy relationship to it, and learn to enjoy exercising and having a healthy relationship to that as well.

I'll try to take a few runs every week, and exercise in body-weight training a few times every week, eating good food (no low-fat products or artificial sweeteners - but instead the real stuff in moderate quanities, that give the body real nutrients and the enjoyment of eating a real cooked meal). 

I'm enjoying reading your thoughts!

[RTBoss]

I am exactly like you, Nomad, regarding diet & exercise. I'm either all-in, or not exercising and eating like a trucker. Currently in the latter, and instead of beating myself up about it, I accept it. I need to start changing over to a more moderate approach, where I exercise and eat healthy because it's good for my body, rather than do it for the aesthetic reasons. Right now, the motivation just isn't there yet, and I accept that. I'm hoping that will change during this run of OF. I had an easier time of it running LTU6, but I guess my energy is being spent under-the-hood on overcoming fear.

[NOMAD]

My motivation dried up a few years ago, but I've been seeing small glimmers of it recently. OFv3 is beginning to open my eyes to other possibilities that I've had a tendency to overlook. Overall,  I'm getting better at seeing shades of gray instead of boiling everything down to black and white. In fact, I'm seeing this in multiple areas of my life now. Along that line of thought, I know that I can be in better shape than I am now without having to fight for a fitness model physique. My mind is opening to the idea that I don't have to be ripped or flabby,  but that I can expend a reasonable amount of energy to accomplish a reasonable goal somewhere in between.

I'm still a long way from where I'd like to be, hence words like "beginning to" and "opening to idea". But I see where OFv3 seems to be pointing me and I think the end result will be a more fulfilling life overall. It's difficult to adequately communicate my thoughts in a post, but I think I can summarize it all by saying that I'm starting to see layers upon layers of how I've limited myself by the "either / or" thinking I described above.

[Shannon]

Day 59

I imagine fear existing as three tiers. These tiers progress from the simplest/outermost fears to the most complex/innermost fears. Each of these tiers consists of sub-tiers like levels in a video game. Each tier and sub-tier is increasingly difficult to overcome due to the depth and robustness of its root. According to this image,  I feel like I'm at the final level of the simplest/outermost tier. It's not uncomfortable, but it's a fight.

I disagree with your concept of how the fears are structured and work.  Based on what I have seen and experienced, the simplest fears are the deepest and most difficult to deal with, because they arise from the most primitive parts of the awareness operating out of the most primitive parts of the brain.  They are built upon by other parts of the awareness with more awareness, which allows for more complex fears, and those are in turn built on by more aware parts capable of even more complex fears.

The issue we face in removing fears is not how complex they are; it's how primitive and irrational the awareness is at the level of the root fear.  Thus, the deeper we go, the harder it gets to deal with and remove the fear because the part of you experiencing the fear becomes less and less capable of thinking instead of acting instinctually.

That is not to say we cannot remove the root fears.  It's just a slow and challenging process right now.

[NOMAD]

Day 59

I imagine fear existing as three tiers. These tiers progress from the simplest/outermost fears to the most complex/innermost fears. Each of these tiers consists of sub-tiers like levels in a video game. Each tier and sub-tier is increasingly difficult to overcome due to the depth and robustness of its root. According to this image,  I feel like I'm at the final level of the simplest/outermost tier. It's not uncomfortable, but it's a fight.

I disagree with your concept of how the fears are structured and work.  Based on what I have seen and experienced, the simplest fears are the deepest and most difficult to deal with, because they arise from the most primitive parts of the awareness operating out of the most primitive parts of the brain.  They are built upon by other parts of the awareness with more awareness, which allows for more complex fears, and those are in turn built on by more aware parts capable of even more complex fears.

The issue we face in removing fears is not how complex they are; it's how primitive and irrational the awareness is at the level of the root fear.  Thus, the deeper we go, the harder it gets to deal with and remove the fear because the part of you experiencing the fear becomes less and less capable of thinking instead of acting instinctually.

That is not to say we cannot remove the root fears.  It's just a slow and challenging process right now.

Fair enough.

My main point was that I imagine a tier system that is increasingly difficult to overcome and that I believe I'm at a point of transitioning between two tiers.

[Shannon]

Day 59

I imagine fear existing as three tiers. These tiers progress from the simplest/outermost fears to the most complex/innermost fears. Each of these tiers consists of sub-tiers like levels in a video game. Each tier and sub-tier is increasingly difficult to overcome due to the depth and robustness of its root. According to this image,  I feel like I'm at the final level of the simplest/outermost tier. It's not uncomfortable, but it's a fight.

I disagree with your concept of how the fears are structured and work.  Based on what I have seen and experienced, the simplest fears are the deepest and most difficult to deal with, because they arise from the most primitive parts of the awareness operating out of the most primitive parts of the brain.  They are built upon by other parts of the awareness with more awareness, which allows for more complex fears, and those are in turn built on by more aware parts capable of even more complex fears.

The issue we face in removing fears is not how complex they are; it's how primitive and irrational the awareness is at the level of the root fear.  Thus, the deeper we go, the harder it gets to deal with and remove the fear because the part of you experiencing the fear becomes less and less capable of thinking instead of acting instinctually.

That is not to say we cannot remove the root fears.  It's just a slow and challenging process right now.

Fair enough.

My main point was that I imagine a tier system that is increasingly difficult to overcome and that I believe I'm at a point of transitioning between two tiers.

I'm just offering you some alternative ideas to consider.  : I have pretty good confidence in the way I have modeled my understanding so far, but I don't pretend to know everything or be absolutely certain.