OF3 - Seeing some light

[Shannon]

@findingme Please go back and read what I said until you fully understand it. By the sound of it you didn't. It will open your eyes when you do, I think.

[findingme]

Day 12
2 loops, listening now

No Shannon, I actually began replying last night since I'd passed it by, but I stopped. I was angry.

Your statement that lying wasn't safe was accurate. As an adult, if one deceives people, other deceptive people spot it and seek some sort of connection or relationship since they're on the same page. Like attracts like.

I got angry replying last night since you replied with adult thinking and logic, and my post was written from a childhood survival mindset, the one I still use today. To a child, being safe is an absolute priority. It overrides any sound decision of any kind, and the imagined conversation was the little me speaking, which is why I shared it. I heard that part of me and wanted to celebrate, for he told me something I needed to know.

Also, I've been coping with and surviving life using it my entire life. It's the primary reality I have, which doesn't work well or make any kind of sense to someone not using it themselves. I'm aware of it too--which is probably why I use social facades so much. You're not the only one who's either said or thought "Duh! Why doesn't he do/think THAT?!" I've made some major (obviously poor) choices in life, and better options were right in front of me. Fear makes the worst decisions for me in my adult life.

Something I will share is what I experienced on LTU5. It has FRM 4.5, and LTU is aimed at improving your whole life--it covers everything unlike most other subs. I remember 2 or more months in using LTU5, and ..... I found myself realizing...I was making things much, much HARDER than needed. I began seeing and acknowledging it at work. I had been habitually and fearfully making more difficult choices, and ..... I think I'm seeing it now, as I write. Fear, being fear, must survive, but being afraid, it "must be hard". It's very short-sited. No other choices (even GOOD choices) in that moment without awakening more fears. "NO! We stop with this choice made so we're SAFE!"

I'm feeling afraid now. I tend to write MORE when I'm afraid, which isn't needed. I'm listening to OF3 now, but I'm also baring my soul. The little scared me was talking to the girl in my imagination last night. Addressing the roots of its fear makes more sense, so thank you for producing OF3.

I began crying just a moment ago. OF3 is making changes in me.

[Shannon]

Progress is always good.

[findingme]

Day 13
2nd day on
3 loops ultrasonic

I did something different and made a playlist of silent tracks with 3 OF3 loops. I did this since I'd been waking up earlier to run masked tracks. I did ultrasonic in the playlist.

I'm trying to break through an uncomfortable habit I've been in. OF3 will uncover stuff I normally totally avoid, and I'm left with internal reactions which really are more fear-based avoidance tactics. I go around in circles, avoiding it in any way possible. I'll whine to myself, I've imagined whining here. I'm very practiced at avoiding caring for myself emotionally.

One of my internal complaints is a belief I can't do it. I'm trying to change something.

[findingme]

@NOMAD,

Thank you for sharing with me about Universal Detox, as I've loved its affects on me too.

I've been fearing replying to you, listening to "I can't!" along with other "reasons" I shouldn't. Why? Fear. Bump that.

[NOMAD]

I've been fearing replying to you, listening to "I can't!" along with other "reasons" I shouldn't.  Why?  Fear.  Bump that.

Keep going, man. You're using the right sub. At some point, those pesky little fears we'll be a thing of the past.

[findingme]

Day 14
1st day off

I'm still amazed. OF3 showed up for me last night.

I received a text and call from my middle brother yesterday while I was working. He wanted me to call him when I was able. This is the brother I wrote about a week ago, the one who I was closest to--the same who hurt and abandoned me. I found it an invitation to see where I stood emotionally, so I told him I'd call when off work. I forgot after work and called him when I remembered it, maybe 5 hours later.

In a sentence, I was different. So different, since I was not following fears like I've normally done. I'm usually triggered by him stewing over old family shit--but those triggers weren't hammering me. It's like my normal mental landscape had been revamped, and I was in a different place altogether, having different tools to work with.

One proof is he began sharing old memories of us living poor and having to scrounge for glass bottles to cash in in the shady parts of town. He finished that story, breathed, then launched right into another one. I stopped him. I asked why he was sharing it. He said he thought it'd help me.

I mindfully shared it doesn't help me. I shared he sounded scared. He dismissed that. He tried to roll onto another story, but I stopped him again. I was unoffended, yet I needed to share my boundaries. I shared he's monologued for years, shutting down true communication, when in fact, I want to be heard too. He heard me. He even apologized 2 times throughout our talk, realizing he'd began dumping again.

--And a fear has been showing up while writing this: I felt much, much closer to him than I'd expected while talking, and the fear which pops up now is "these guys will take advantage of me if I share that". OF3 is showing up right now, like it did last night. When I slowly dropped my guard last night, doors opened.

I'm slowly realizing I have not had much self-esteem, so standing up for myself has always been a mute issue. And here I'll share that I love my brother. He also hurt me. He did. I know that me healing me doesn't require his involvement, though it can confirm my progress. It felt good speaking up for myself last night. It felt good allowing the communication. I heard a bunch of things which said we carry the same burdens.

I'm fumbling now. I'm used to allowing guys to mistreat me at their whim. I'm just not so fearful of standing up for myself presently, here and in real life. This is new, and I felt some fear stating that. The fear is guys mistreating me.

No. Not here. I have doubts airing this, but I won't allow that.

Maybe I've put all the blame on "other guys" (anyone in general) since I've been afraid to address the one who hurt me. I think I'm seeing this now. Even realizing fear is holding this in place....hmmm. I also felt sad along with a letting go of it. That's been mine to do.

[findingme]

I've shared I've been watching financial webinars. I've even been wary moving forward with big financial ideas since.......I've just been scared. Old stuff can paralyze me.

I did just watch a webinar for a physical product business I'd never considered, and I jumped in. I've been feeling more uncomfortable giving in and listening to fear. So I jumped in since I'd just be copying someone else's business model.

I also did it since I could really profit using my creativity. It's been showing up each day more and more on OF3. I'm in.

[GreekGod22]

Still running 2 loops US?

[findingme]

I did 3 loops yesterday US. I'm not sure if I'll stay on 3 loops or not. I'd been doing 2 loops before, mostly masked, but I've always done well using US. Doing that yesterday morning allowed me to not interfere with it, so I'll stay on US.

[findingme]

I'm writing so I don't push this away--avoid it--deny it--or bury it.

I'm feeling scared now. I want to not be responsible with this--as I've done so often. I'm just coming closer to breaking down and allowing it to come out. I have this physical feeling/belief that "I'll be alone".

I am so used to believing I'm weak, even manipulating others for compassion or attention. I'm stretched between falling into victim beliefs...or being responsible.

I know I'll make it. I'm trying to break my normal patterns when possible. I also listened to 3 loops today since fears were rising and raging.

I procrastinated sending this for the last 5 minutes.

[JustAnotherLeader]

Well, this might be off-topic, but I just want to say that "finding me" is a really cool nickname. : )

Best luck with all your endavours. Stress comes to all of us. We just gotta shake it off and keep riding.

[findingme]

Thanks JustAnotherLeader. Facing it a moment at a time.

[findingme]

Day 15
1st day off (redo)

Something is changing in me, as I realized old motivations to write here are dissipating. I used to come here anxious and afraid, seeking someone's attention, but fearing the worst regularly. I'd even plan messages hours ahead to figure out my angle. Now, I'm coming here and sharing the first things on my mind, like now. I'm not sure where it's heading, but I'm realizing that fear pushed me, becoming like mental furniture never budging.

My fear of abandonment is still the root. I think yesterday was rough since OF3 went deeper. I did 3 loops. That's been my biggest known fear. It's controlled me.

For example, I had a zoom meeting with a business coach yesterday, from the company I joined. I was in that "oh shit" mode, hoping everything would be surface and shallow, but she asked questions about doubts I had, and I shared honestly, in limited amounts. She even said I was extremely self-aware, which she saw as good. I hadn't realized her meaning until I watched a training later, and it was pointed out early that many entrepreneurs fail early on since they don't know their personal limits and make poor choices repeatedly. I had shared I've began in at least a dozen businesses, but fear and feeling alone have been my weaknesses. I sought the coaching for accountability--but it was multiple thousands, and I couldn't swing it. I'll have to find things I've never used, like their FB group. I have fears there, so maybe....this is good (?)

Good morning. Heading out.