OF3 - Seeing some light

[tolgaocal80]

İ don't know if İ did a good thing to ask it, it takes real courage to talk about these, İ admire that, if İ would live these, İ don't know if İ would be able to talk about it to anybody.

These are really hard things to live with, they all past but İ know, they still trying to down you, İ hope Shannons subs will help on this, İ will look for your posts, please remember, consistent is very important.

[Shannon]

That's pretty deeply personal to share on a public forum. Kudos for having the cojones to do that. I'm glad my efforts can potentially be useful to you.

[findingme]

Day 9
1st Rest Day (redo)

I deleted it. Attracts attention I really don't want.

I'm also resistant to getting up this morning. I'm awake, but clearly avoiding something. Fear.

I've done this hundreds of times in my life, and from experience, my thinking is if I avoid people today, I may not be aware of something bothering me. People are my mirrors.

I'm still feeling vulnerable. Sleep didn't push it away.

I'm seeing it now. I usually....abandon myself when around people when I feel sad and scared, not knowing how I "should" appear, coming from childhood people pleasing behaviors.

What am I afraid of? I think.....me abandoning me. Yeah, Ultimate Detox helped me see that. Being honest is courageous. I'm just remembering "not winning", or losing control--from what I wrote last night.

[findingme]

I had a good feeling and remembrance surface. Heading out soon.

I came here in late 2016, having been using my first subliminal hypnosis sub from an old vendor. I read posts at first, and i fearfully bought E2. I owned it for weeks, in fact, before I started it. I was afraid all my denial and protections I used would suddenly be ripped off, leaving me vulnerable and helpless. My worst fears.

Fear stayed with me for weeks.....but it kept me on it. Feeling deserving to heal myself. Beginning to validate.....my very existence (common among abuse survivors). Feeling like--this was big--like I DIDN'T need or want other's approval to heal--that is major to me. Feeling like actually growing up...might be a possibility.

Those fruits showed up early. Then came losing my victim mentality slowly....nice. Finally, in my last month was the positive thinking showing up, feeling joy at anything and everything, good and bad.

I have a fear of abandonment showing up sharing this, but I'm looking forward to E5 with this very FRM I'm using. I know I "could/should" stay on OF3--but I came to IML to heal. That's been my life's focus here, and unless I hear otherwise, I'll probably jump on E5 when it's out. I have E4, but I'm waiting on the new FRM.

Healing/coming out of denial/facing my holdups and life hindrances has been my goal since coming to IML. These tools work. Bring it on

Heading to work now.

[findingme]

Day 10
Rest day 2

Regarding my last post, I'm unsure when I'll pull off OF3, mostly since I'm in execution and seeing more fruit presently. It's nice, and it's new.

For one, even writing here has been plagued with difficulty for me for a very long time. Fearing negative reactions from others was always on my mind. It's like my mind was trying to live in a fantasy of peace while simultaneously avoiding, ducking, and dodging fears that shrieked the worst at me. I've been paying attention as small barriers (which are big to me) seem to fall away.

And something shifted lately. I first noticed me washing my dishes last night right before going to bed. I'll usually have 2-3 dishes in my sink for days (connecting my thoughts to old "unfinished" business). Then, I actually began cleaning my bathroom vanity after brushing my teeth--which I've not touched in the six months I've been here. It's not earth-shattering, but something's shifting.

I felt a twinge of sadness this morning, the same I felt last Friday on my 3rd off day. It feels like something big is shifting in me again. When I just paid attention to it, it feels like it's covering my whole mind and reality. I'm rather abstract--since I only sense it. I've never experienced this before.

And lastly, upon leaving work last night, I realized.....I didn't feel afraid and helpless after talking to our female manager. My gut's usually tied up, I make quick, short responses, I avoid eye contact, and I exit quickly. Last night I relaxed, had no "escape plan" in my head, she laughed at things I said, and wow, my gut wasn't tied up in fear while walking out.

Something's shifting nicely.

[findingme]

Day 11
Rest day 3

Rest days are when my subc fights back. I had a fear crescendo last night and I listened to about 3/4 of a loop since I had to leave for a store--it was late and unplanned. I also just drank coffee instead of eating dinner. It was me trying to self-sabotage. When its execution time is when the tests come on.

And for whatever reason, I feel good this morning. I considered feeling some fear just seconds ago, I didn't have to or want to, so I didn't. --That's kind of new, and I like it.

I'm feeling hopeful this morning.

[Shannon]

If off days are days your subconscious tries to fight back, then you're probably using too many off days per cycle.

[findingme]

Thank you Shannon. I've been wondering about that since you've given us freedom to see what we each need. I'll take it to 2 rest days. I'm finishing my 3rd rest day now.

[findingme]

I was at a store shopping 30 minutes ago since I was in the area and it'd take it off my weekend to-do list. I saw one girl, I know she saw me, but I really wasn't ok with my usual "putting on a fake face" impression thingy. So, I just did my shopping and left.

When I got back in my vehicle, I allowed myself to imagine. I instantly imagined a getting to know each other conversation. While doing this in my head, I began searching myself, seeking to be honest with myself. I was overly honest, sharing I used to lie a lot. She asked me why I lied.

I replied "Because it was safer."

This imagination happened in seconds, and that came very easily. Still sitting with it. That statement is true.

[Shannon]

But is it really? By lying, you draw into your life people who aren't a good fit for you. By being honest, only the right ones will stay.

[findingme]

Thank you for replying Shannon.

Most of my lying--is to myself. It starts there. I've been afraid of people knowing me and possibly rejecting me all my life. The fear's been something like "I shouldn't be honest with them or (bad things happen)" Just writing that gave me a small childhood flashback of hearing my own thinking in survival mode around my mom.

Universal Detox was so powerful for me since it almost forced me to start being honest. It was incredibly freeing.

Lying to others is obvious to me--and I usually cave. Lying to myself? Not always seen right away. I'm grateful you put UD in EPHRA now.

[findingme]

--And my lies are usually about WHO I am. Meaning what I really think and really feel--vs. the sanitized or socially permissible front I carry a lot. I did some of that today at work.

It stresses me out greatly. OF3 has some UD in it I think, for I wasn't really comfortable holding the facade up today.

[NOMAD]

Universal Detox was so powerful for me since it almost forced me to start being honest.  It was incredibly freeing.

UD is an awesome sub even at the lower level of scripting technology. It's the first sub that I feel like fully executed from the very beginning. I had a very similar experience with it as far as self-honesty is concerned and how liberating it was.

...I wasn't really comfortable holding the facade up today.

I can relate to this. I don't put on much of a polite front with OFv3. If I don't feel like smiling, I don't. If I don't feel like talking to someone, I don't.

[findingme]

I chose LTU5 since it had UD in it, along with everything else. While running LTU5, I remember riding with a guy one day at work, my first day with him, and I said something which sounded "cool"....but I instantly had a pain and regret. I'd just lied. I changed my tone suddenly and got honest regarding my last reply.

I remember him being quiet, but in a shocked and amazed way. I usually will blow my own cover when I realize I'd suddenly just fibbed, but it's been a while since I've ran UD or anything with it. UD allows me to be honest with me.

I'd done UD 5.5 loops a single night in recent months. The next day was when I began considering LTU6 since it has it. UD allows me to be honest with everyone (me too), and that is a most sought-after freedom for me.