Natious on EPRHA again

[Darwinn]

Man I feel you, I seriously needed to get back some positive momentum in my life so just want d to do a positive sub, still the real long term growth lies in handling what you are I think , keep going man once it clears you'll be on some next buddha level stone cold playa shit

[SargeMaximus]

Only these extremely low feelings like desperation, anger, rage, hate, guilt, shame. But nothing that would feel like I'm letting go, sadness would be an upgrade, I just don't know how to reach it.

I know how this is, though for me it's currently apathy. I'm vastly approaching a point of "no return" financially here. May end up homeless in the next month, and just don't care. It's like I've lost the will to live. I don't WANT to die, but I don't WANT to live (in the "alpha/rule the world" kind of way) either.

Weird shit.

[Natious]

Only these extremely low feelings like desperation, anger, rage, hate, guilt, shame. But nothing that would feel like I'm letting go, sadness would be an upgrade, I just don't know how to reach it.

I know how this is, though for me it's currently apathy. I'm vastly approaching a point of "no return" financially here. May end up homeless in the next month, and just don't care. It's like I've lost the will to live. I don't WANT to die, but I don't WANT to live (in the "alpha/rule the world" kind of way) either.

Weird shit.

It's like you finished my last post, because this would be the second part of it. I also have apathy, but it seems like more of a constant state and doesn't change much recently. If anything I want to start wanting to live and be motivated about living. Good luck bouncing back from the financial low point. Reminds me when I lived on my colleague's couch for 2 months and then on another's for a month.

[SargeMaximus]

It's like you finished my last post, because this would be the second part of it. I also have apathy, but it seems like more of a constant state and doesn't change much recently. If anything I want to start wanting to live and be motivated about living. Good luck bouncing back from the financial low point. Reminds me when I lived on my colleague's couch for 2 months and then on another's for a month.

Ouch, that musta been weird. At least you HAD a colleague to sleep over at.

[Natious]

The thing is that the second colleague was living with college seniors so there were a lot of parties. It was more like a "build your own business" kind of sales place and everyone on commission, so there was no real who's who's boss ( except the owner of the office branch who has to keep things in check) and you get to know people, but working 12-14h a day is quite rough. Then followed by lots of parties and 2h of sleep some days is not easy Fun but not easy.

[SargeMaximus]

The thing is that the second colleague was living with college seniors so there were a lot of parties. It was more like a "build your own business" kind of sales place and everyone on commission, so there was no real who's who's boss ( except the owner of the office branch who has to keep things in check) and you get to know people, but working 12-14h a day is quite rough. Then followed by lots of parties and 2h of sleep some days is not easy Fun but not easy.

Cool, so what are you doing now?

[Natious]

Well there's a long and a short story, don't know if you have read much of my journal but I'll give you a short one. Let's just say that after I stayed with my colleagues I was completely broke and moved back with my parents, then moved out again, failed at becoming a paid actor, moved back home and now am doing nothing what so ever until I get a new horizon at my sight again.

[SargeMaximus]

Well there's a long and a short story, don't know if you have read much of my journal but I'll give you a short one. Let's just say that after I stayed with my colleagues I was completely broke and moved back with my parents, then moved out again, failed at becoming a paid actor, moved back home and now am doing nothing what so ever until I get a new horizon at my sight again.

Ah I see. what do you wanna do?

[Natious]

Well there's a long and a short story, don't know if you have read much of my journal but I'll give you a short one. Let's just say that after I stayed with my colleagues I was completely broke and moved back with my parents, then moved out again, failed at becoming a paid actor, moved back home and now am doing nothing what so ever until I get a new horizon at my sight again.

Ah I see. what do you wanna do?

I can see myself in a big mansion with a feeling of accomplishment. A feeling that I have made a difference, but in reality there are so many pieces that are missing. I don't know what I want to do to achieve this.

So basically: "no frickking clue!". But I want to figure it out.

[SargeMaximus]

Well exactly. You can make money doing ANYTHING, so what do you WANT to do?

[Natious]

Might go back to sales and make it work, it was quite the feeling working that hard and having commission can be quite addicting really. Not to mention that branching out can get you a bigger income than the average CEO. But that's just a thought for now, I really don't know what I want to do.

[Natious]

Been feeling quite tired and exhausted recently. Oddly I got some work done on the house today, which wouldn't really have happened on AM. Put up a few lamps and a curtain. Internally feeling really broken and hopeless, but I think, I really think that EPRHA is working on it and will help me understand why I am where I am. For some reason I have this urge to do stupid things and not think of the consequences from time to time, especially when drunk. Kind of why I don't want to let go of all the fears, because it might keep me in check. I wouldn't say that I'm a dumb person, I perfectly understand the consequences, yet there are these moments of "I don't care what happens to me". Although ending up in jail and the shame with it is still not what I want, I just don't often realize it at the time.

There are a few things what I never would have thought of about a year ago, but now the guilt/shame part seems to be a lot lower and I think some of my thoughts move at the wrong direction. But guilt/shame is still present in the important thoughts where I'd want to get rid of it.

EDIT: On a second thought, it might be because of my low self appreciation and self esteem. Apparently EPRHA works with that, so all I have to do is let it do it's job.

[SargeMaximus]

For some reason I have this urge to do stupid things and not think of the consequences from time to time, especially when drunk. Kind of why I don't want to let go of all the fears, because it might keep me in check. I wouldn't say that I'm a dumb person, I perfectly understand the consequences, yet there are these moments of "I don't care what happens to me". Although ending up in jail and the shame with it is still not what I want, I just don't often realize it at the time.

I have the same thing, it's almost like I'm subconsciously doing dumb/stupid things so I see it's not as bad as I think. I had this a bit during OGSF I think the first time.

Also, I'm getting to total apathy nowadays, and find myself a bit more free to do whatever because of it. It's interesting but also a bit self-defeating. I don't feel "broken" like you mentioned, but I do feel like there is a mechanical "certain way" to do things (like get together with girls) more than ever, and as a consequence of that, I'm being less and less mechanical. It's weird.

[Natious]

For some reason I have this urge to do stupid things and not think of the consequences from time to time, especially when drunk. Kind of why I don't want to let go of all the fears, because it might keep me in check. I wouldn't say that I'm a dumb person, I perfectly understand the consequences, yet there are these moments of "I don't care what happens to me". Although ending up in jail and the shame with it is still not what I want, I just don't often realize it at the time.

I have the same thing, it's almost like I'm subconsciously doing dumb/stupid things so I see it's not as bad as I think. I had this a bit during OGSF I think the first time.

Also, I'm getting to total apathy nowadays, and find myself a bit more free to do whatever because of it. It's interesting but also a bit self-defeating. I don't feel "broken" like you mentioned, but I do feel like there is a mechanical "certain way" to do things (like get together with girls) more than ever, and as a consequence of that, I'm being less and less mechanical. It's weird.

It's interesting that you mentioned the mechanical part, for girls I feel the exact opposite because I have had some decent success by just being randomly funny and teasing. But I do have/had the same kind of attitude toward a way to live "perfectly", like there is this one key/pattern I need to fully live my life to the fullest. Some time ago I thought it was LOA, then meditation, then not thinking. All of them pretty much ended badly by me stuffing down the emotions and pretending to let them go as they appeared while not dealing with the issue, with breaking down into depression and haven't really gotten out since.

I think there actually is no mechanical part, there are lots of little mechanical parts one can pick up as they go, but it's applied by your subconscious when you have fun and show off your affection. There's no perfect game, just being in the perfect state, not expecting an outcome or getting too serious. I have yet to find a balance on how to apply it daily and at the same time respect my emotions. Well that's my POV for now