05-11-2015, 04:30 AM
8 weeks: I have been less interested in video games lately and it's an odd feeling. I somehow feel desperate to search for new games, like a fear of letting go because I couldn't imagine what I would do for a whole day without playing games. Meanwhile I have indulged in Californication, someone mentioned the series in their journal so I gave it a go. It's odd how much you can pick up on the guy's vibe, he looks like he lives without any resistance, he doesn't constantly fight himself and is incredibly transparent in who he is. Something I want to achieve some day.
Noticed something about me today: when I see someone who's likeable die in a series or a movie, it makes me scared to shit and I get the most horrified feeling in my gut, it somehow just gets to me. Might have something to do with me seeing my grandpa die when I was 6 although I don't have any recollection of it. They said I was playing around and suddenly he collapsed in front of me. Apparently it didn't phase me one bit, I guess I just didn't understand it. I do remember the funeral, I didn't seem to care about that either. Everyone was crying and even I tried to cry, but nothing happened, there was no emotion.
Then there's another memory of being left back when everyone went to the beach and when they got back they said I was sleeping so they didn't want to wake me up, made me feel incredibly abandoned. Actually I still feel the abandonment when I try to remember what happened.
EPRHA has brought up some weird sexual fantasies, which I don't approve of, but I have less shame about them. I wonder what made them appear, must be all the fucked up brainwashing from the internet and childhood. Some of them I would just like to delete, since they don't seem like a part of me, but they keep appearing out of the blue as images and dreams. On one hand I don't approve of them and want them gone, but I don't want to put myself down for having them, that would be a step backwards.
-I wonder if anyone else has had that and if any sub helped them with that issue.
EPRHA isn't that easy to see working for me, yes I can write a lot about what's going on, but it's hard to say what is related to the sub. Most days it seems like maybe it's doing something, but at this rate I would need to run EPRHA for years to see any real results even at my 19h/day habit
Noticed something about me today: when I see someone who's likeable die in a series or a movie, it makes me scared to shit and I get the most horrified feeling in my gut, it somehow just gets to me. Might have something to do with me seeing my grandpa die when I was 6 although I don't have any recollection of it. They said I was playing around and suddenly he collapsed in front of me. Apparently it didn't phase me one bit, I guess I just didn't understand it. I do remember the funeral, I didn't seem to care about that either. Everyone was crying and even I tried to cry, but nothing happened, there was no emotion.
Then there's another memory of being left back when everyone went to the beach and when they got back they said I was sleeping so they didn't want to wake me up, made me feel incredibly abandoned. Actually I still feel the abandonment when I try to remember what happened.
EPRHA has brought up some weird sexual fantasies, which I don't approve of, but I have less shame about them. I wonder what made them appear, must be all the fucked up brainwashing from the internet and childhood. Some of them I would just like to delete, since they don't seem like a part of me, but they keep appearing out of the blue as images and dreams. On one hand I don't approve of them and want them gone, but I don't want to put myself down for having them, that would be a step backwards.
-I wonder if anyone else has had that and if any sub helped them with that issue.
EPRHA isn't that easy to see working for me, yes I can write a lot about what's going on, but it's hard to say what is related to the sub. Most days it seems like maybe it's doing something, but at this rate I would need to run EPRHA for years to see any real results even at my 19h/day habit
