(03-27-2015, 08:36 AM)SargeMaximus Wrote:(03-27-2015, 08:28 AM)Natious Wrote: For some reason I have this urge to do stupid things and not think of the consequences from time to time, especially when drunk. Kind of why I don't want to let go of all the fears, because it might keep me in check. I wouldn't say that I'm a dumb person, I perfectly understand the consequences, yet there are these moments of "I don't care what happens to me". Although ending up in jail and the shame with it is still not what I want, I just don't often realize it at the time.
I have the same thing, it's almost like I'm subconsciously doing dumb/stupid things so I see it's not as bad as I think. I had this a bit during OGSF I think the first time.
Also, I'm getting to total apathy nowadays, and find myself a bit more free to do whatever because of it. It's interesting but also a bit self-defeating. I don't feel "broken" like you mentioned, but I do feel like there is a mechanical "certain way" to do things (like get together with girls) more than ever, and as a consequence of that, I'm being less and less mechanical. It's weird.
It's interesting that you mentioned the mechanical part, for girls I feel the exact opposite because I have had some decent success by just being randomly funny and teasing. But I do have/had the same kind of attitude toward a way to live "perfectly", like there is this one key/pattern I need to fully live my life to the fullest. Some time ago I thought it was LOA, then meditation, then not thinking. All of them pretty much ended badly by me stuffing down the emotions and pretending to let them go as they appeared while not dealing with the issue, with breaking down into depression and haven't really gotten out since.
I think there actually is no mechanical part, there are lots of little mechanical parts one can pick up as they go, but it's applied by your subconscious when you have fun and show off your affection. There's no perfect game, just being in the perfect state, not expecting an outcome or getting too serious. I have yet to find a balance on how to apply it daily and at the same time respect my emotions. Well that's my POV for now
