Feeling helluva bettre today in general and I'm excited for E3. I want to see how FRM going to hit and enjoy the effects of the protective aura, as I have a bit of a problem shielding out other peoples energies when around them, I'm hoping this will become easier with that.
In general, I have started to look forward to stuff more and more. Before I made plans with people and then was dreadful about them, worrying that I would say something that would kill the vibe or just be draining to other people. I worried a lot about just going to meet some friends and hang out, even just for a dinner with questions like - what should I talk about, etc (this haven't been my nature all the time, but following the depression - but still a big problem anyway...) - Now I more look forward to it and can picture how I will enjoy their company and get to know them or just chill out with my friends not putting so much pressure on myself and have an easier time to relax.
I am also slowly starting to overcome my guilt, the guilt that have driven me far too many times. And the guilt that have caused me to give away far too much of my energy to my mother who is an expert in victimhood - a guilt driven persons worst nightmare. I realize that I don't need to cater to her victimhood, that is her problem, and she has an ability to making her problem to everyones problem. Often by resorting to explanations like "you never do anything at home" which can be hard to answer if you are driven with guilt and already feel like you are in debt. And a further reflection of this feeling of guilt is that it probably come from growing up with a person who can't take responsibility for her life and putting the blame on other people instead. As childs we are pretty susceptible to other opinions and can't really differ from what is true and what is other peoples opinions, and thus I think that her behavior made me take on the blame for her problems, thus the guilt.
I can't describe the discust I hold toward my mother. When I sit at the dinner table I just feel that I hate her from my inner core, I can't really put words on why I feel it, but it just feels like she sucks the living energy out of me whenever I interact with her. Like she has a bond to me, a umbillical cord she uses to control my energy. But I just ignore her. Completely. That's the only thing I can do. I can't talk to her, I have tried, it never work. The only thing I can control, or try to control, is my own space. I really, really, need the protective aura from E3 right now.
In general, I have started to look forward to stuff more and more. Before I made plans with people and then was dreadful about them, worrying that I would say something that would kill the vibe or just be draining to other people. I worried a lot about just going to meet some friends and hang out, even just for a dinner with questions like - what should I talk about, etc (this haven't been my nature all the time, but following the depression - but still a big problem anyway...) - Now I more look forward to it and can picture how I will enjoy their company and get to know them or just chill out with my friends not putting so much pressure on myself and have an easier time to relax.
I am also slowly starting to overcome my guilt, the guilt that have driven me far too many times. And the guilt that have caused me to give away far too much of my energy to my mother who is an expert in victimhood - a guilt driven persons worst nightmare. I realize that I don't need to cater to her victimhood, that is her problem, and she has an ability to making her problem to everyones problem. Often by resorting to explanations like "you never do anything at home" which can be hard to answer if you are driven with guilt and already feel like you are in debt. And a further reflection of this feeling of guilt is that it probably come from growing up with a person who can't take responsibility for her life and putting the blame on other people instead. As childs we are pretty susceptible to other opinions and can't really differ from what is true and what is other peoples opinions, and thus I think that her behavior made me take on the blame for her problems, thus the guilt.
I can't describe the discust I hold toward my mother. When I sit at the dinner table I just feel that I hate her from my inner core, I can't really put words on why I feel it, but it just feels like she sucks the living energy out of me whenever I interact with her. Like she has a bond to me, a umbillical cord she uses to control my energy. But I just ignore her. Completely. That's the only thing I can do. I can't talk to her, I have tried, it never work. The only thing I can control, or try to control, is my own space. I really, really, need the protective aura from E3 right now.
