I though about how E2 actually have changed me, and to what degree. Something spurred that thought when sitting in the kitchen with my mother, and noticing how she can make me feel like I should ask her questions, cater her on some way - and I just noticed that sensation, the feeling or urge if you want, without having to respond to it. I then came to think about something that dr. Gabor Maté talks about (I have posted videos with him further back in the journal) that many of our behaviors are unconscious, and so ingrained in out daily lives, that we actually confuse them with who we are. He talks about it in the context of addicts, but it's just as relevant in how we treat ourselves in the presence of others. If we fall into behaviors that are not emotionally healthy, such as being codependent in my case and giving away my power, is also a kind of addiction. I think that E2 i helping me to change the underlying need that fuel this behavior, and helping me to find what I am looking for on the outside, on the inside. And by that changing the behaviors that I have for so long thought was "me", but really was just coping mechanisms in my unconscious mind brought by a deficit of self-esteam among other things.
I am having some kind of almost spiritual experience on E2 now. It feels like I am getting back in contact with who I have always been during all the years until now. All the sides that I have lost contact with. I am experiencing life with a greater intensity, with more presence, it's almost a bit overwhelming. A lot of sensations and feelings I have forgot about is coming back, like the feeling walking around hearing birds sing, or just the feeling of being alive, the feeling of watching the sun shine on a brick-building, all those stuff that make you feel in different ways are coming back, if slowly. I am getting back in touch with life and who I am, not the persona, which I have though that was _who I was_ but a person experiencing life.
Btw. My mom is a cynical egoistical bitch. I'm repelled by her, but I am still not angry or insensitive towards her. I am just present. Just fully f*cking present. In that way she can't get to me, because when I am present, there is no fear, I am facing everything that can happen and I am facing fear. During our family dinners she is trying to convey with her cynical world-view and trying to get my dad and I on the same ship, but I don't accept it anymore. I'm just present, and she feel my presence, and I know that she know what she is doing deep down, and that that shit isn't working like it did before. She will have to face herself. It will be harder and harder to try to hide, because before I was her confidant in agreeing in her cynical shit, and it have made me cynical. But I am outgrowing that stuff, I am seeing the wonderful thing with people and humanity, and I am not falling into thinking that people everywhere are just shallow assh*les as she believe down deep, just to protect her from facing her responsibility in life, in taking care of herself - because if everyone else are assh*les - then she can stay in that victimhood. But if people are actually wonderful and good, then the only person responsible for her life and how she feel is herself. But until she does that, she will stay cynical. The only thing that matter though, is that I don't have to anymore.
I am tired of being afraid and ruled by fear. It feels like I day by day conquer fear more and more. I'm really excited for E3 with FRM and the protective aura. Hope it will be out soon!
I am having some kind of almost spiritual experience on E2 now. It feels like I am getting back in contact with who I have always been during all the years until now. All the sides that I have lost contact with. I am experiencing life with a greater intensity, with more presence, it's almost a bit overwhelming. A lot of sensations and feelings I have forgot about is coming back, like the feeling walking around hearing birds sing, or just the feeling of being alive, the feeling of watching the sun shine on a brick-building, all those stuff that make you feel in different ways are coming back, if slowly. I am getting back in touch with life and who I am, not the persona, which I have though that was _who I was_ but a person experiencing life.
Btw. My mom is a cynical egoistical bitch. I'm repelled by her, but I am still not angry or insensitive towards her. I am just present. Just fully f*cking present. In that way she can't get to me, because when I am present, there is no fear, I am facing everything that can happen and I am facing fear. During our family dinners she is trying to convey with her cynical world-view and trying to get my dad and I on the same ship, but I don't accept it anymore. I'm just present, and she feel my presence, and I know that she know what she is doing deep down, and that that shit isn't working like it did before. She will have to face herself. It will be harder and harder to try to hide, because before I was her confidant in agreeing in her cynical shit, and it have made me cynical. But I am outgrowing that stuff, I am seeing the wonderful thing with people and humanity, and I am not falling into thinking that people everywhere are just shallow assh*les as she believe down deep, just to protect her from facing her responsibility in life, in taking care of herself - because if everyone else are assh*les - then she can stay in that victimhood. But if people are actually wonderful and good, then the only person responsible for her life and how she feel is herself. But until she does that, she will stay cynical. The only thing that matter though, is that I don't have to anymore.
I am tired of being afraid and ruled by fear. It feels like I day by day conquer fear more and more. I'm really excited for E3 with FRM and the protective aura. Hope it will be out soon!
