My healing journey - E2, Cold showers, Root chakra meditation

[Greenduck]

I have so much problem with my mother right now. I feel like I just want her to go to hell and go f*ck herself. I don't do this, as it would have catastrophic consequences and i would probably be kicked out of the house. At the same time I am watching this video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LsBRrVqAAs8) where Gabor Maté talk about suppressed emotions and how we are stuck in behaviors rooted in our childhood. This is exactly it. I couldn't just say what I thought and felt because it would upset my mom too much. I started to shut down internally, and taking care of her emotions instead. Becoming a surrogate parent. I'm f*cking furious about this right now, at her, at my f*cking coward that who couldn't handle conflict but was to f*cking scared and just tried to put it under the rug. Things wasn't discussed and emotions were held back, making the connection inauthentic and it still is. But I started to give less f*ck about how other people feel about what I say and I just say it. Not to a degree I want to, but slowly and steadily I am expressing myself more freely and without so much inhibitions regarding on how it will be received depending on my tone of voice, etc. I just say what's inside of me, without this additional step that I always have taken in "how till the other person respond to this emotionally". That isn't authentic, saying what you feel and how you feel it is authentic, and it's up to the other person to deal with it, it's not my responbility, not my f*cking responsibility.

Phew. Lots of anger coming up now clearly.

EDIT:
I had a walk and some deeeeep rooted anger came up, my whole body tensed up and i started breathing heavily. Some of it was directed towards my mom and how she abused me emotionally during my lowest point of my depression and took out all her fear just because she could. I felt like I would be ready to kick the ass out of anyone who would try to do that again.