Aaaah... I just needed to write myself off here. I have some kind of sexual oneitis for my ex-gf. I get fantasies about her, and still feel almost obsessed in my thinking about getting her sexually turned on and just the thought of having sex with her. I guess this isn't really emotionally healthy so I hope E2 will help me with that. I have read somewhere a guy who wrote that he rarely think about his ex gf anymore.
But it's like those thoughts are so rewarding, but it feels like an addiction of some sort. Like a desire that I don't really have under control. But I know it isn't healthy because my thoughts about her take up space that can be thought on girls in general. And that give signs that's kind of obsessive thinking, just zooming in on her.
I remember how it felt to make her excited, and how it felt to look into her eyes and feeling that strong emotions, that lust, desire and just diving right into it. Like raw sexual energy. That really got me hooked.
EDIT:
i started to do some reflection on the reason why I got depressed, something I haven't been able to do before. I was in a really bad place, had broken up with my girlfriend and moved to a new apartment, didn't know what to do with my life, had tons of anxiety and smoked a lot of pot. Then I met this girl who now is my ex GF. And in some way, I got obsessed with her. Really. Everything I could think about was her. And then I started to feel inferior to her. I am not sure it was because of her, because of the state i was in, but probably a combination. That was how I found subliminal shop and alpha male. I decided to run it to become and alpha for her. Everything handled about pleasing her. I ran AM and didn't listen to the signals my body was sending me, I was going downhill and fast. AM is a challenging program and you need to have a core self to be able to handle it. AM guides your core to become stronger, to challenge itself and grow. But if you don't have a core, if you are so down into anxiety and have almost lost yourself and everything you know, this challenge can become too much. That was what happened. AM broke me down to a level that no human being should have to experience. I know this now, 2 or 3 years later, I have lost count, but the state I was in was horrible, constant horror, fear and loss of self. It's hard to imagine even for me who have lived through it.
Anyway, I have pondered about the reason behind why everything went south, and slowly I am starting to be capable of grasping the bigger picture and understanding what I did to myself during that period.
Instead of becoming obsessed with a girl and running AM to become the person she probably wanted me to become, because that was what I was aiming for - not to become my strongest self for myself, but to become the person I saw in her eyes that she wanted me to be. And that is a slippery slope. Women are amazing because I truly believe that they can see our strongest self and help us towards that, but if you don't have your own compass and can see if this expectations are unrealistic and be able to take a step back for a minute, you will get lost inside that hunt, the hunt to become someone in the eyes of someone else. You must first be the person you are and be happy with it, be happy to be alone, not needing to please someone else but yourself, find a direction to grow in and THEN you have a base to spring from and benefit from the wisdom that women hold in helping you finding your strongest self.
But it's like those thoughts are so rewarding, but it feels like an addiction of some sort. Like a desire that I don't really have under control. But I know it isn't healthy because my thoughts about her take up space that can be thought on girls in general. And that give signs that's kind of obsessive thinking, just zooming in on her.
I remember how it felt to make her excited, and how it felt to look into her eyes and feeling that strong emotions, that lust, desire and just diving right into it. Like raw sexual energy. That really got me hooked.
EDIT:
i started to do some reflection on the reason why I got depressed, something I haven't been able to do before. I was in a really bad place, had broken up with my girlfriend and moved to a new apartment, didn't know what to do with my life, had tons of anxiety and smoked a lot of pot. Then I met this girl who now is my ex GF. And in some way, I got obsessed with her. Really. Everything I could think about was her. And then I started to feel inferior to her. I am not sure it was because of her, because of the state i was in, but probably a combination. That was how I found subliminal shop and alpha male. I decided to run it to become and alpha for her. Everything handled about pleasing her. I ran AM and didn't listen to the signals my body was sending me, I was going downhill and fast. AM is a challenging program and you need to have a core self to be able to handle it. AM guides your core to become stronger, to challenge itself and grow. But if you don't have a core, if you are so down into anxiety and have almost lost yourself and everything you know, this challenge can become too much. That was what happened. AM broke me down to a level that no human being should have to experience. I know this now, 2 or 3 years later, I have lost count, but the state I was in was horrible, constant horror, fear and loss of self. It's hard to imagine even for me who have lived through it.
Anyway, I have pondered about the reason behind why everything went south, and slowly I am starting to be capable of grasping the bigger picture and understanding what I did to myself during that period.
Instead of becoming obsessed with a girl and running AM to become the person she probably wanted me to become, because that was what I was aiming for - not to become my strongest self for myself, but to become the person I saw in her eyes that she wanted me to be. And that is a slippery slope. Women are amazing because I truly believe that they can see our strongest self and help us towards that, but if you don't have your own compass and can see if this expectations are unrealistic and be able to take a step back for a minute, you will get lost inside that hunt, the hunt to become someone in the eyes of someone else. You must first be the person you are and be happy with it, be happy to be alone, not needing to please someone else but yourself, find a direction to grow in and THEN you have a base to spring from and benefit from the wisdom that women hold in helping you finding your strongest self.
