LTU: Moving forward

[mat422]

Not having a great day. But the one thing that really pissed me off today is how I still care too much about what people think of me. I had to fix something for someone at work today and this woman ALWAYS gives me a hard time. She has this attitude of "well this is your job isn't it? You should know how to fix this right away". Yeah lady let me comb through my photographic memory and pull out what I need. But it wasn't her that pissed me off. No it was my reaction. I shouldn't care what she thinks of me, I shouldn't care what anyone thinks. And I sure as hell shouldn't care about coming across as super competent at my job. This has been the ball and chain for most of my life. The constant fear and anxiety of being good enough in the eyes of others. If I could obliterate one thing from myself this would be it.

So after that I came home to work on some music. Opened up a project I was working on. Tweaked some faders to mix it a little, messed up the mix, chased my tail, then ended up where I started. Gave up on that one. Moved to something else. Opened a blank project and just started trying to get an idea going. Got something, but it went nowhere. Couldn't develop on it. Decided to just trash it and just keep it an experience rather than an idea. Mouse started acting up, at this point I called it a night and popped on LTU.

I've been looking at switching up my workflow for creating music. I'm trying to be more committed to ideas and to embrace imperfection vs chasing perfection. Part of that is recording right to audio, on the fly. That means no more taking 8 bar loops and copying and pasting in my DAW. My music has been very rigid and non fluid for a while now. I keep ending up making the same mistakes that causes me to finish stuff but I'm disappointed at how it doesn't sound like a song with development and building up. I'm getting a lot of pushback from my subconscious because this is very outside my comfort zone and also I can't really play keyboard. So getting things in one shot seems hard. I still don't know the best way to go about this. But I know my music is suffering because I keep defaulting to the same old safe habits. And I'm tried of never finishing stuff because I'm so obsessed on tweaking things to be perfect. Even when I tell myself to stop, I still do it. And I think part of the reason is because I haven't done a major overhaul to how I approach making my music.

In short. I still struggle with a lot just creating music. It's not a very seamless or low effort state. I can't really get into a flow because it feels like I still have trouble developing my tracks beyond loops.

[mat422]

6 loops is fatiguing no doubt. I think i pretty much go through the entire night listening to the sub. I woke up in the middle of the night several times with what felt like overcoming fears. Just eyes opened with adrenaline shooting through me real quick and the decision to keep going.

Also woke up and went back to sleep with the same dream. Really bizarre.

Overall definitely feels like im being pushed more. Not allowing myself to have those moments where i try to sneak out of executing the sub.

[mat422]

Had some insight regarding my music. I've been pushing and pushing to write stuff. To really finish my songs. But it's been draining, I'm not gonna lie. It just occurred to me it's not the process of making music that's draining, it's my fears attached to it. And I've been pushing more to sort of outgrow the fear, when really I should be targeting that fear directly and getting rid of it.

My focus has been very external lately. The obstacles I'm facing or see are really a reflection of my internal fears. Basically a projection. What I'm seeing is not necessarily the path forward, but an interpretation of what moving forward entails through that filter of fear. Right now I'm still stuck in the fear based reality, the external is reflecting that. But I recognize that now and know the true obstacle is the fear I hold within me. Putting my energy into removing those fears and clearing as much as possible should be my main focus.

I can feel the only thing that holds me back now is fear. It's not a question of if the goals of LTU can be achieved and become a part of my reality, but how. That's a pretty big shift. If you had asked me this a few years ago I would have denied I was capable of anything. Now I can see the possibilities, it's just a matter of removing these fear blocks. I think upping to six loops is helping me push past that fear of removing fear. I'm feeling the ability to directly target fear and eliminate it, not subject myself to it or allow it or whatever passive mentality I had in the past. Lots of layered fear though. If I remove fear I get closer to my goals, but also potential failure. It's like I'm protecting myself from stuff, I want it to happen but at the same time I don't.

[Have at ye]

My focus has been very external lately. The obstacles I'm facing or see are really a reflection of my internal fears. Basically a projection. What I'm seeing is not necessarily the path forward, but an interpretation of what moving forward entails through that filter of fear. Right now I'm still stuck in the fear based reality, the external is reflecting that. But I recognize that now and know the true obstacle is the fear I hold within me. Putting my energy into removing those fears and clearing as much as possible should be my main focus.

 

I've had a similar realization recently regarding professional advancement, so to speak. What you have written here is very much on point.

[mat422]

Awesome! Always good to know someone else is experiencing similar things.

[mat422]

I've been spending more time on loa forums and such reading people's success stories. Some of them very impressive. But it got me thinking how I constantly feel like I should be able to steer myself in the direction I want and manifest what I want without subliminals. Refusal to accept help? Stubbornness? Shame? Not 100% clear what it is, but I know it holds me back a bit. Which is ridiculous. Thats basically like saying I shouldn't use a car as a tool for travel because I have my legs. Well walking works, but a car works better. Same thing with subs. I don't know maybe I feel weaker for not being able to improve myself without these subs?

[mat422]

Feels like I'm having fear vacuumed out of me lol. I don't know how to describe it. But when I really let go and trust the more powerful part of me to let all this stuff go there's a sensation of fear being sucked out. Sometimes I hit a bump and I have to reset and get back into that trusting state. It does take a lot of conscious intervention. As soon as I go off and do something else, it sort of creeps in where I put the brakes on the fear removal. But the important part is not putting in so much effort to do this, it's more like redirection. Good progress for me.

[mat422]

Was going to listen to LTU a bit today, but today is a break and I figured letting my mind rest would be best. From my experience a lot of the listening is absorbing the instructions, but it seems like it gets carried out a lot more on my break days. Today I'm feeling very full of emotional stuff being processed, whereas all week it felt more like a build up to dealing with it.

[mat422]

Quick thought I had. You don't need to be 100 % emotionally healed to have a great life. I've been really getting into the whole idea of how reality unfolds around you. I think one of my biggest mistakes is and always has been thinking everything has to be lined up perfectly or just right before things happen. Obviously I'm not abandoning emotional health, but I'm not obsessing on figuring out every little thing anymore before I live my life to the fullest. When you wait until you're 100% in everything you miss out in life. Friends, opportunities, love. etc. In fact I'm opening myself up to the possibility of attracting things in my life that help me grow more and support me in the quest to heal myself. A lot of my anxiety I have around people is due to my insecurities around my flaws as a person. But I cause myself even greater suffering by trying to hide these all the time vs accepting that I'm in a process of growth and it's ok to not be 100% put together.

Self improvement is not an excuse to hide away and wait until you're all better. I'm understanding that now. I was just feeding into the same old avoidant behavior, but because it had a positive slant to it I let it slide. But in a way it wasn't positive at all. Because I constantly beat myself up for not being where I want to be yet and depriving myself of relationships with people until I was "better". I was convinced for their sake and mine it would be better not to be a part of my life.

Yeah heavy stuff coming up today. I couldn't even admit to some of this a few days ago because i'm just that guarded from my own emotional states in general.

[Shannon]

You will also like this tidbit. You think they're flaws, but someone else might think they're attractive traits, endearing traits, charming, amusing, and/or make you more attractive or approachable. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and everyone has a different point of view.

So are they really flaws? Sometimes, they're just things you don't like about yourself instead.

[mat422]

Very good point Shannon. I like that a lot. I'll be reminding myself of this from now on.

[mat422]

One longstanding habit I'm looking to erase and I know this cripples my ability to achieve what I want in life. For as long as I can remember I'd look for failure in other people. Success being the anomaly, I'd hold the view that failure is the large majority. Whenever I'd hear about people trying to do big things, I'd find myself looking for any way they could fail. What I'm seeing now is that a part of me took comfort in seeing those failures. A sort of confirmation like "yeah that looks scary and this person failed at it, so you shouldn't do it either".

It's probably not just me and these were mostly internal thoughts, I'd never express them to people. But with social media nowadays people get downright nasty if you strive for something bigger or seek to break out somehow. People really enjoy trying to drag you back down to their level if it triggers fear. It's some weird fear by proxy thing, where they see you doing things that trigger their fear and then to quell their own fear they try to manipulate you so they can feel comfortable again. How messed up is that? So not only do you have to watch your own behavior, but also be prepared for people that are going to react in such a polar opposite way. I think the auric shield definitely helps with this. Without it you tend to get blasted with the worst negative energy.

Also switching to FLAC. Gonna see if that impacts results at all with LTU

[mat422]

Turned on LTU to get some exposure in because I started feeling suffocated today.

I think part of the problem is I don't know how to communicate to my subconscious that it's ok to move forward. I have a history of constantly pushing myself more and more to improve, but each step of the way it's like a deeper part of me got traumatized more. I don't know if trust is even a concept the subconscious understands, but really I feel like I've violated that in the past.

I'm very divided in my head. One one hand I guess I had enough willpower to do what needed to be done. But on the other hand there's a part of me that hasn't quite followed along and has lagged behind.

While listening for a few minutes today I got a very strong reaction from a part of me saying I can't do this and wanting to  cry. I know I don't feel that way as a whole, but I do feel that way on some level. And I know it has tremendous pull on everything in my life. It's hard to move forward when a part of you is terrified to near tears. And I think for me my initial reaction to these emotions was always more of a "stop doing that" vs an understanding. Basically like a negligent parent not providing emotional support when it's needed the most. At times it feels like I wear the persona of an adult like a costume because I feel like 90% of how I really feel is more akin to a kid that's terrified of everything.

[mat422]

Woke up today crazy anxious. But I decided I'd run LTU while I was working. So I put the ultrasonic version on my phone. Been running it for about an hour now. It's been helping with the anxiety. And not in a way where I'm pushing past it. It's helping me relax and calm down, take me out of crisis mode so to speak.

I've been really wound up these past few days. Practicing basic relaxation techniques has been helping. Sometimes I forget and get caught up in the whirlwind of anxiety and then on top of that i try too hard to push past it all and burn myself out. But calming myself first definitely helps me move forward more.