LTU: Moving forward

[mat422]

Man so many days at work I'm physically there but my mind is elsewhere exploring musical ideas. I felt guilty about this for the longest time. But then I realized today I'm cramming myself into a box I don't fit. I thought I needed to be good at something, I thought I needed to prove I'm a capable member of society, that I have valuable skills, etc. I've realized what I value, others don't. Things like science, medicine, law, the very tangible things that people see, you get a pat on the back for those. As if to say, good job you're actually useful unlike some other people. What if I don't want to do those things? What if my calling lies in music? What if that's what im naturally good at? It would be stupid to abandon that in favor of being "useful".

I'm slowly realizing who I am is not entirely apparent or fully realized. It's been smothered by stupid expectations society has placed upon me. The true power is fully embracing that and following my path that works for me. I still have a lot to uncover and learn about myself.

[Infinite]

edited

[mat422]

There are people who don't even value the work that Mother Teresa did.  I remember the local media even barely covering her death.  There will always be people who won't value your work no matter what you do, but there are also those who might even need your work.

Thanks Infinite. You make a good point.

[mat422]

Had a dream last night about being in a house with my family and my parents back together. Why is this still bothering me? I'm 27, my parents got divorced when I was like 25. I was pretty much an adult, it shouldn't have shaken me that much.

I'm going through a lot of emotions right now with LTU. It's really hitting me that I'm not happy. And I'd convince myself I was happy in the most unhealthy way possible because I was too afraid of changing my life. The result is a lot of repressed stuff that's coming to the surface. One of my biggest flaws has been always caring too much about what others think. But it got to the point where I wouldn't want people to see me as anything other than happy and well adjusted. Anything else wasn't acceptable. It feels like I'm cracking and the facade is falling apart. What's left is the stuff I've been denying for a while now to make other people happy. It's messy and imperfect, far from the perfect controlled state of mind I've been holding onto for years. My first reaction is to control this emotional state, but that's what I've been doing for years now and it's just hurt me in the long run. Sure it momentarily allows me to get on with things, but it seriously messes things up in terms of emotional validation.

[findingme]

That sounds like UD is working on your false beliefs. It's a drastic change initially, but you won't be the same Mat we've seen for years now. This change is freeing you :-)

[RTBoss]

I think you underestimate the emotional impact a divorce has.  The Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale rates it pretty high.  Only two years removed from that, it's a pretty heavy experience.  Cut yourself some slack, my friend.

[mat422]

Initially didn't want to post this, but I had a really rough time last night. I don't know how to describe it other than a profound feeling of not wanting to be "me". The complete opposite of acceptance of myself. In fact it was more like disgust. Maybe this was indeed the detox part of the sub. Maybe I was seeing all my negative behaviors from a position of two distinct awarenesses vs being wrapped up in it.

The only way I can describe it really is that I've realized self acceptance of the past was more like "you're lower than everyone else, accept that". Not particularly positive. This is more like change, choosing to be someone that isn't weak and who is confident. I've really realized my entire mental image of myself is predominantly negative. If most people sort of operate from a space within themselves and navigate the world with a sort of baseline, mines abysmally low. I legitimately have no concept of intrinsic self worth for myself. I never "learned" that. I also have a very weak concept of self because a large majority of it is just negative. I think where I've gone wrong is constantly going into the past to uncover who I am, which just lead to confirmation of more negative stuff . And maybe that sense of worth was never there to begin with. Maybe I just have to create it now. Regardless of what happened in the past.

[mat422]

Messing with volume tonight. Basically I sat in front of my speakers and adjusted the volume while gauging my internal reaction and stopped when it felt right for me. For a while now I've been obsessed with overpowering my subconscious by any means necessary. Pretty much making that mistake that more power is better. Also still stuck with that mentality that I need to go through intense uncomfortable stuff to change. Maybe it's fear that causes me to do that. The whole mentality that I need to go through pain to grow and if pain isn't there I'm doing something wrong.

Either way I'm trying to calibrate it towards what's right for me. If one volume triggers too much resistance it doesn't make any sense to continue down that route if there's a better way.

[mat422]

Nah I screwed up. If I have to rationalize to myself that much why lowering the volume is good, that means I was getting tricked. This was a classic case of avoiding what needs to be done and trying to justify it in a way that absolved me of personal responsibility. Back to the previous volume tonight.

I honestly don't have much desire to post a lot lately. I'm not as depressed as I was on LTU 4 that's for sure. That one really hit me hard with some stuff that made me feel hopeless. But I'm still struggling now with figuring out how to actually improve my life. And along with that accepting kinder treatment towards myself vs the never ending onslaught of abuse I used to give myself. It's definitely a step in the right direction and I am noticing subtle improvements. There's still a lot of fear I feel surrounding the whole idea of me being out in the world more. I'm still very tied to my home, I don't feel comfortable when I leave. It's sort of a safe zone for me, but I'd like to change that.

Overall it still feels like I'm piecing stuff together. I'm a bit disoriented at the moment. Trying to reconcile this new me vs the old one. Even though these changes are postiive, I still fear them. That just pretty much proves how foreign a lot of these concepts are to my own mind.

[mat422]

I feel like I'm not living my life authentically. I can't tell if that's LTU creating that feeling or if I've always felt that way deep down and just buried it. I've also had a lot of anger in the past about people constantly projecting how you're supposed to live life. Or getting mad at structures that I felt held me down or prevented me from living the life I want. What I've realized is nobody is preventing me from doing anything, I am. It was easier to sit there and blame someone else than take responsibility. Yeah there's always pressure from society to live a certain way, do certain things, etc. but ultimately they don't have say on how I live my life. I think this all started early with school and authority figures, you're told to follow directions and don't question stuff. Combine that with low self esteem and it has the effect of thinking other people know better than me. Basically doubting myself, losing confidence in my own decisions, etc.

Anyway I woke up today and I don't know what it is about weekends but they fill me with anxiety. It's like I've got a brief window away from the life I don't really want to be living, but at the same time it lurks around the corner. You'd think the weekend would hit and I'd be full of energy. But it's the exact opposite. I get depressed because it feels like it doesn't matter. Anything I do won't change the fact that I'm not all that happy in my life. So instead of continuing to work on my music I find myself binging some tv show or watching a movie because I don't have the energy. But even those options aren't fully enjoyed because it just feels like another escape.

My main issue is I'm still trying to work out how to fix the underlying dysfunction. What would make me happy? Is it because I'm just not confident enough and careers and work fill me with anxiety? If I was more confident would the field I'm in be more tolerable? Or would I still feel that gnawing sensation that it wasn't right for me?

For me it's hard to leave this job or move to something new because for one I'm not confident. Yet at least. I still hate the interview process, the hoops you have to jump through to prove you're a good fit, how being honest is more of a detriment than the sleazy scumbag that lied his way through the interview with charisma and yet there's no repercussions. And it scares me because I was unemployed for a long time and not having a job is a real threat to survival. Like I said it's probably a confidence thing, if I had the confidence to be able to hop from job to job and have positions readily available I wouldn't worry as much. But I definitely come from a scarcity mentality and have fear that still grips me very strongly when it comes to new things that throws me off. I know I have free will, but sometimes I feel like I don't because I lock myself into these unfulfilling positions out of fear.

[findingme]

I feel like I'm not living my life authentically. I can't tell if that's LTU creating that feeling or if I've always felt that way deep down and just buried it. I've also had a lot of anger in the past about people constantly projecting how you're supposed to live life. Or getting mad at structures that I felt held me down or prevented me from living the life I want. What I've realized is nobody is preventing me from doing anything, I am. It was easier to sit there and blame someone else than take responsibility.

This is exactly what I experienced when I did ran UD by itself. I hid behind masks, masks that worked the majority of the time, but the remaining 10-15% of the time, I identified more and more with it, and I berated myself too. I felt like an imposter when I'd allow myself to be honest. UD is doing some deep, life changing work in you, by your own admission. It doesn't feel good, which is why I'm positive you'll choose to make different decisions for yourself soon.

I think this all started early with school and authority figures, you're told to follow directions and don't question stuff. Combine that with low self esteem and it has the effect of thinking other people know better than me. Basically doubting myself, losing confidence in my own decisions, etc.

I can relate to your struggle. I really can. That was my norm too. In fact, this morning, upon going into some self-doubt, I wondered if Shannon had put some scripting in LTU to address this. However, as I'm seeing now, self doubt is a product of avoiding responsibility (for myself). I thought "If I doubt myself....(ugh), someone may either take over, and I'll avoid trying and failing." There is a tradeoff though. It hurts my self worth bad. OTVM, for me, is a lifesaver. I've not even been thinking like that these 3 days I've been on LTU so far.

But I'll share too that the anger management sub in LTU hit me a day ago. It wasn't because of bad interactions with anyone else. It's that I realized I had been pointing hatred at myself for so long. LTU is like a big eraser, and so I could tell something was missing. My self-hate was going away, and I didn't do anything to make this happen except listen to LTU and accept its changes. I felt tears of relief just writing that.

Healing is definitely happening. In both of us. Keep up your courageous posts.

[mat422]

I feel like I'm not living my life authentically. I can't tell if that's LTU creating that feeling or if I've always felt that way deep down and just buried it. I've also had a lot of anger in the past about people constantly projecting how you're supposed to live life. Or getting mad at structures that I felt held me down or prevented me from living the life I want. What I've realized is nobody is preventing me from doing anything, I am. It was easier to sit there and blame someone else than take responsibility.

This is exactly what I experienced when I did ran UD by itself.  I hid behind masks, masks that worked the majority of the time, but the remaining 10-15% of the time, I identified more and more with it, and I berated myself too.  I felt like an imposter when I'd allow myself to be honest.  UD is doing some deep, life changing work in you, by your own admission.  It doesn't feel good, which is why I'm positive you'll choose to make different decisions for yourself soon.

I think this all started early with school and authority figures, you're told to follow directions and don't question stuff. Combine that with low self esteem and it has the effect of thinking other people know better than me. Basically doubting myself, losing confidence in my own decisions, etc.

I can relate to your struggle.  I really can.  That was my norm too.  In fact, this morning, upon going into some self-doubt, I wondered if Shannon had put some scripting in LTU to address this.  However, as I'm seeing now, self doubt is a product of avoiding responsibility (for myself).  I thought "If I doubt myself....(ugh), someone may either take over, and I'll avoid trying and failing."  There is a tradeoff though.  It hurts my self worth bad.  OTVM, for me, is a lifesaver.  I've not even been thinking like that these 3 days I've been on LTU so far.  

But I'll share too that the anger management sub in LTU hit me a day ago.  It wasn't because of bad interactions with anyone else.  It's that I realized I had been pointing hatred at myself for so long.  LTU is like a big eraser, and so I could tell something was missing.  My self-hate was going away, and I didn't do anything to make this happen except listen to LTU and accept its changes.   I felt tears of relief just writing that.

Healing is definitely happening.  In both of us.  Keep up your courageous posts.

Thanks for the input! Glad to hear you're on LTU as well. I forgot UD was in here. Definitely a purging of useless beliefs and ways of living that are toxic to me.

[mat422]

Starting to wonder if my ongoing fatigue all my life is due to carrying this heavy emotional weight all the time. Feeling lost, alone, unhappy, but forcing myself through life so I don't fall behind or end up homeless. If my intense focus on the outward things is a way to distance myself from the internal stuff. Just gritting my teeth and telling myself to keep going. I feel like maybe I've just been in a constant state of panic or fear, obsessed with always moving. Not necessarily in the right direction either. More like a panicked running.

I can't remember a time other than really early childhood when I've felt ok. And by ok I mean not feeling like my world is going to come crashing down at any point. I always feel one step away from ruining my life.  That fear has always been pervasive and aside from a few select moments, I feel that my life in general just feels like this.

Currently sitting on my couch debating if I want to finish working on a piece of music I started. At what point do I put myself first vs my music? I can't tell sometimes if forcing myself to create is a good thing or not. I feel like maybe I'm still dealing with the "I have to be better" mentality. Discipline is important, but maybe I go too far sometimes. Sacrificing my own mental health. I was reading an interview with a producer that said he never forced anything. He just went to the studio when he felt like creating. The dude has a massive catalogue of work and I can't imagine having that much music done without forcing myself to work. But maybe that's an attitude I have to change. To stop thinking I have to push and push to get better. Maybe I need to relax more and let it come to me.

[mat422]

Had a dream last night. Details are fuzzy but there was a being there. Not human, not really any concept that I could convey. Almost neutral in a way. He told me to be the observer and not the observed. Stop following the rules, stop giving my power away to other people, stop living life dictated by the past. He said if I don't learn to be more conscious, I'll be stuck in a loop of repeating the same actions over and over with the same results. It's not about being more conscious of myself personally, but as a whole. Conscious of what I am and untapped power I have. But it's only accessible if I let go of the stories of the past.