08-24-2019, 02:15 PM
Crappy day today. Couldn't finish a track I was working on. I got stuck. Normally I push through it and try to finish. But finishing for the sake of finishing? It just seems fear based to me. Taking time to craft what I really want, I think that's the route i really want to take. One of my favorite artists Tipper took almost 4 years to finish one of his albums. Now I'm not saying I need to spend that much time, but my point is sometimes I rush to the end a bit too fast and I'm dissatisfied with what I've created. So I start a new track, rinse and repeat. It's no wonder I avoid working on stuff, I try to take it all in big chunks and get it over with. It's the completely wrong way of going about things.
On that note it's the same thing with my own personal growth. I want it now as fast possible as soon as possible. But the fact is if I could have it now, I would. The fact that it's a bit hard for me is due to the fact I still need to work through things to get there. As long as I stay consistent I'm good, but I've been trying to go 100% 24/7 and I realized you can't maintain that. Some days will be better than others and that's ok, it's not a failure to execute the sub.
One thing that's been bumming me out though. Every so often I watch tutorials on youtube for music production and there are so many people out there that have this solid knowledge. That they can teach others and whatnot. I know a decent amount, but I just feel so incompetent in what I do compared to everyone else. In the end for me it's the music that matters and all these techniques are to further my creative expression. Sometimes I just stumble upon stuff and it works out.
At the same time I feel like I've never really been good at anything. I always wonder how people get there. Not the skill, but the confidence. The confidence in knowing what you're doing and competence. I wonder if it's just my self limiting beliefs at times or if I'm really just far away from where I need to be in terms of skill. I feel like anything I really try is harder for me than most people. Maybe my fear of failure that always nudges me to avoid things and play it safe so I always hit a wall that I have to try to overcome that most people don't deal with. There's just the skill gap for them. Whereas I have the skill gap AND overcoming that fear. So it's a lot to deal with. Sometimes I feel like cognitively I'm not all there. Especially lately I find it really hard to follow people in conversation unless it's a chill topic. What I mean is when people ask me things at work about a problem. I hear the words but not much registers. And then I'm trying to figure out what they said and also solve the problem simultaneously. I can't tell if that's due to LTU or I've always had issues with that.
But anyway things aren't as bad as they were a few weeks back. My whole doom and gloom nothing is going to work out episodes are really just fear, I recognize that now. So I don't dwell on them. I remind myself it's just a way to keep me here in my comfort zone or an exaggeration based on my current struggles. But it's not the truth.
On that note it's the same thing with my own personal growth. I want it now as fast possible as soon as possible. But the fact is if I could have it now, I would. The fact that it's a bit hard for me is due to the fact I still need to work through things to get there. As long as I stay consistent I'm good, but I've been trying to go 100% 24/7 and I realized you can't maintain that. Some days will be better than others and that's ok, it's not a failure to execute the sub.
One thing that's been bumming me out though. Every so often I watch tutorials on youtube for music production and there are so many people out there that have this solid knowledge. That they can teach others and whatnot. I know a decent amount, but I just feel so incompetent in what I do compared to everyone else. In the end for me it's the music that matters and all these techniques are to further my creative expression. Sometimes I just stumble upon stuff and it works out.
At the same time I feel like I've never really been good at anything. I always wonder how people get there. Not the skill, but the confidence. The confidence in knowing what you're doing and competence. I wonder if it's just my self limiting beliefs at times or if I'm really just far away from where I need to be in terms of skill. I feel like anything I really try is harder for me than most people. Maybe my fear of failure that always nudges me to avoid things and play it safe so I always hit a wall that I have to try to overcome that most people don't deal with. There's just the skill gap for them. Whereas I have the skill gap AND overcoming that fear. So it's a lot to deal with. Sometimes I feel like cognitively I'm not all there. Especially lately I find it really hard to follow people in conversation unless it's a chill topic. What I mean is when people ask me things at work about a problem. I hear the words but not much registers. And then I'm trying to figure out what they said and also solve the problem simultaneously. I can't tell if that's due to LTU or I've always had issues with that.
But anyway things aren't as bad as they were a few weeks back. My whole doom and gloom nothing is going to work out episodes are really just fear, I recognize that now. So I don't dwell on them. I remind myself it's just a way to keep me here in my comfort zone or an exaggeration based on my current struggles. But it's not the truth.
INFP
